If you have caused unintentional harm, or if you are trying to help someone who has, you can find support and encouragement here. Click below and join the conversation. Tell us your story, ask a question, or offer your advice and guidance – we want to hear from you!
I’m not ready to share my story yet. But yes yes yes unfortunately I understand these feelings. A rollercoaster of survivors guilt and remorse and Shame all rolled into one . It’s been 17 or 18 years and I still feel my stomach churn. I have gone thru so much therapy that there seems to me to be nothing left to mend. I’m simply broken
Hi Tammy. I feel that the best thing about sharing these stories with each other is to know that we are not alone with these feelings. I don’t know anyone else who has been through something like this, but of course, if they have, they probably don’t talk about it. My accident was many years ago and I still feel guilt and shame. I have found that the right therapist can help though. I have also found that helping people also helps me get out of my own head and focus on others. I try to stay busy, I work… Read more »
I was driving down a dark 4 lane road coming home from work. The road is unlit and no lighting from anywhere, I encountered a big tall truck with pircercing led lights shined down right into my small car, I could not see a thing. And when he passed I was blinded for about 2-3 seconds. I immediately looked to right curb lane for relief from on coming traffic. I saw only darkness in front and behind. I moved over quickly and when I looked back there was the small red light Of a cycle right in front of me… Read more »
I was heading home from my mom’s house at 1:30am July 29th, 2023, and was going up a one way bridge I always take to get to my apartment. It’s not a straight bridge you go up then straight then you go down and around a curve. As i was coming around the curve out of nowhere I saw a flash of a guy on a motorcycle and I saw his shocked face right before he hit me. He was going the wrong way down the one way road. I instinctively put my car in park took my seatbelt off… Read more »
May 29, 2021. It started out so normal. I got a call from dispatch that they had a couple loads for me. I get in my Peterbilt, drive to the rental yard, load the machine for delivery and drive to the first site. It goes off without a hitch. I load another machine and head off to the second. I was driving down a two lane highway, and I see a Dodge pickup with a welding bed come at me at a high rate of speed. I see him sideswipe the truck in front of me. He goes into a… Read more »
Hey Andy – Thanks so much for sharing this story – it’s the heartbreaking, soul-crushing reality of the transportation world we live in.
I hope you’re getting therapy – you’ve been incredibly traumatized and God bless you for your dedication to your profession.
Please peruse our site and take advantage of any of our offerings. Let us know if there’s anything further we can do to help. We’re here – I’m here – because we’ve gone through the same thing – and know that we can make it through.
Chris+
A week ago exactly, I was driving home with my dog in the car after picking up dinner. I was driving down an intersection less than half a mile from my house, and was turning left on a green light. Out of nowhere it seemed like a man appeared right in front of my car. I braked, but it was too late. The officers stated that I had followed all the rules, drove under the speed limit, called 911, but I still cannot get the image of the incident out of my head. They called me the next day to… Read more »
Hey Harshini – Thanks so much for reaching out – and please know you are not alone! I am hoping you’ve contacted and are seeing a therapist. Many of the question you ask and feelings you’re experiencing are best to share with a trained professional. However we are here! And I’m so happy you’ve reached out. You’ve been through perhaps the worst incident in your life and you need to know that most of us do fine a way through it. Notice I didn’t say ‘over’ it – because it’s like a severe wound with a permanent scar. Do peruse… Read more »
My husband accidentally ran over and killed a young woman. It was not his fault. He’s been trying to find counseling but everything he’s tried they want to go back to his days in Vietnam. What he needs is help with this most recent trauma, not 50 years ago! He thinks he’s fine but he’s not. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Donna- What a terrific wife you are – thank you for your compassion and assertiveness here. By all means, find a counselor. Trauma like this is like buried toxic waste – sometimes it takes 5 months, sometimes 50 years. But in every case, let’s let the experts handle it. Do peruse our site and find what looks good – and is appropriate for your husband. Of course he is welcome at our monthly fellowship meetings – and we do offer ‘Peer Support’ if you think that would be helpful – look around the site and see. And know that… Read more »
I found this website after reading the book Accidental by David Peters. It was super helpful. I read it in two days. One year ago I was involved in a fatal crash. I was turning left on a blinking yellow light. Suddenly my car was stopped with a bang, the airbag had deployed and my passenger said a motorcyclist had hit me. I went to him, he was laying motionless in the street. I began chest compressions as best I could. I couldn’t get his helmet off and he had a protective vest on. 911 operator told me to straighten… Read more »
Hi Susie – Thank you so much for writing! And I am so sorry you’ve had to go through this. The reality is that you are not alone – we live in an accidental world and your trauma is shared (by me and) by millions of people. Do make sure and get a counselor to walk with you through this dark time. Do check out our resources here – we want to help as much as we can. And do the best you can to forgive yourself. We are here for you! Feel free to reach out in any way… Read more »
I agree, this is certainly a fallen world, marred by death and suffering all as a result of sin. Death is guaranteed for all of humanity as we read in Romans 6:23 and Hebrewes 9:27. We see that all are sinners and that none are good as we read in Romans 3:23 and Romans 3:10-12. Death is a consequence of sin and will be experienced by all at some point. Eternal death (eternal seperation from God in the lake of fire) will be experienced by those who die in their sin apart from Christ. The only hope man has in… Read more »
Did his motorcycle have aworking headlight?
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I was in a situation where a motorcycle was going the wrong way down the road and hit me head on coming around a curve at 1:30 am. He died on scene. I’m only 21 yrs old and am now traumatized for the rest of my life. My car was totaled. He had hit my windshield and flew over my car. I hope you can heal from this. Sending hugs to you.
I am so glad that I found this site. My grandson, 16 yrs old, accidentally shot and killed his 18 year old friend. He was arrested for Manslaughter but is out on bond. I can “feel” that he is having a hard time accepting what he did and I realize that he needs someone to talk with and that he may have a hard time discussing his feelings with his family. I will give him this site and hope that he will engage in conversation or at least put in words what he is going through emotionally. Please send me… Read more »
Hi Betty –
You are not alone here – so many good friends/family have been good advocates for their loved ones – like you.
Yes, go ahead and see that he gets counseling – he has been through more than he probably comprehends. And let us know what else we can do – as we have already responded via email!
Chris+
My name is Jay and I was in an accident on Thanksgiving of 2023. I was driving home with my girlfriend (passenger seat), my stepfather (back seat behind driver), sister (in between her dad and boyfriend), and my sister’s boyfriend (back seat behind front passenger side.) On the way home I fell asleep behind the wheel and my girlfriend noticed we were going towards incoming traffic. When she had alerted me I over corrected myself which lead us to swerve. I seen a ditch in front of us and I thought if I skim the edge of the ditch it… Read more »
Hi Jay! Thank you so much for stepping in here and sharing your story. You have been through so much – you have such relatable guilt and regret – both signs that you’re a decent human being and worthy of getting through this. I’m so glad to hear you’re getting therapy and have people around you who love and care for you. You have connected with a community that’s just like you. We’ve harmed seriously, or in my case, killed – all unintentionally. You are invited to not only peruse any relevant resources on our site – but please, do… Read more »
First, congratulations you got back in the car. Small steps, small victories. You are going to see that anger is shared among some of us. I hit my 8th month last week and my story is below, if you feel like reading it. I wish I could tell you that things are better for me right now but at the moment, I am a work in progress. You have a family who loves you and first and foremost, be grateful that everyone survived. Look at how many times you got in a car and got from point A to point… Read more »
I never knew this group existed, and still wish that were true. But Dec 13, 2023 was a day like any other, spent the day working and on my way home.- 8 pm and its pretty dark this time of day in the mid west I was driving home from work, down a road I have driven a million times. When suddenly a dark figure appeared directly in front of me. I slammed on the brakes, but couldn’t stop in time. I saw the vehicle hit the pedestrian and push them into the intersection. I immediately stopped and got out… Read more »
Hi Devin – Thank you so much for sharing your heart here- You are not alone in your struggle! You have found a group that ‘gets’ you – and I hope you will peruse the site and find what works for you. I also commend therapy. Telling a professional what you’re feeling – how you’re doing – etc – can be really helpful. Yes, holidays are tough. The guild, shame, regret… But please know – incidents like yours happen once every 18 minutes in the U-S. You are not the first nor the last who will go through this –… Read more »
Hi Devin, I was in basically a similar situation except that it was 3am I was on my way to work and there was zero visibility. None. See my story below. The what if’s are endless, aren’t they? Being part of this group is not how anyone wants to do things. Trust me, I am at the 8 month mark and all I could think about was how someone was spending their holiday with an empty chair. I wish I didn’t know exactly how you feel but I do. Please remember to keep remembering that you are here because you… Read more »
In my childbearing years, I experienced Big T-trauma and abuse, which started long before that as Little t-trauma growing up (Gabor Mate terms). I had a daughter and then gave birth to three more children in the traumatic conditions with a Vietnam combat Marine veteran. My children suffered greatly, each in their own way. My third born child suffered from addiction and depression and died in 2015 at the age of 38. My business is now helping people with grief, trauma, and loss. There is a short video about my story of loss in my website. In 2016, my grand… Read more »
Shanti –
Thank you for letting us know about your journey. You are a true survivor and I thank you for thinking of others in their pain. May your work of inspiring those who have been harmed in like manner prosper and grow!
Chris+
Has anyone here ever used EMDR therapy to process their guilt, shame, etc. I am seeing a trauma therapist who specializes in this practice of EMDR.
Hi Mary!
Thanks for reaching out.
I have not used EMDR but know that many of our members have. Please send an email to hyacinthfellowship@gmail.com and our office may be able to get you in touch with someone!
Praying for you.
Chris+
November 19, 2023. Just a few days ago I accidentally killed someone. I was driving the car, 2 of my friends were with me. I was driving along Maharlika Highway here in the Philippines, when I saw a motorcycle rider about the enter the highway, fell down and slid towards the car. I braked, but it was too late. I felt him go under the car. The car already stopped but he was still under there. I froze. My friends went outside to help. But I already heard people saying he’s dead. I stayed in the car, crying. Thinking that… Read more »
Hi Avah – Thank you so much for telling us your story – I am SO SORRY for what has happened! Your grief, care, concern, and sorrow are all so raw and real – and I can honestly say that for me – and many others in the Fellowship – we get it. We have done the same thing. You are in the initial stages of trauma – and do the best you can to surround yourself with supportive people. Receive their love and care for you. As the days go by and you can come to a place of… Read more »
I was in an accident where a motorcycle was going the wrong way down the road and hit me head on and died. I know how you feel. It was not your fault and you shouldn’t carry any guilt. Sending hugs.
Hello, I never wanted to be a part of this group. This happened 6 months ago. I am a travel worker and was re-routed by construction, didn’t know where I was in a huge city at 3 am and going to work and it was very very dark I was just going onto a freeway I had never been and just accelerated to freeway speed and out of nowhere a human being on foot became one with my vehicle. It all happened so fast that I didn’t know what happened. I pulled to the shoulder of a 5 lane highway… Read more »
Hi Lynn. I am a nurse also, and my heart goes out to you. My accident was many years ago, but I feel that I have some understanding of where you are coming from. I have also spent some time asking “why me?”, although the crash was my fault. I was 16 at the time. I do get so jealous of other people at times who do not have to wake up with this reality every day. However, after several years of trying to punish myself for what happened, I began the slow journey of healing that I feel never… Read more »
Thank you for responding!! I think its been hard for me because I had no one to go through it with, I am struggling particularly hard right now because I have been around a “trigger person” and my family wants me to be “the bigger person” because this person ” has issues” and its been a very challenging situation. I just wish I could part more details but waking up with this everyday is horrible because I wish this person was not a trigger for me or the situation in general. Im trying but its new and not having a… Read more »
Hi Lynn. I am so sorry this unfortunate accident happened to you. I was involved in a pedestrian accident myself 9 years ago, where an intoxicated male stepped in front of my car when I was coming home from dinner. I am so glad to hear you are trying to get the right help. I also was against medicine for years! I also believe when it comes to therapy it is a great start, as it took me years to also make that step. I am in the medical field as well, and trauma is something I see often with… Read more »
Thank you for responding!! Thank you for caring. I really appreciate it. I feel broken and it’s only been 7 months. I dont understand how to make sense of my “new trauma brain” and its incredibly frustrating. Does that get better? I literally threw trash into an empty dumpster like 3-4 months ago and the crash sound that it made incapacitated me for at least 3 hours and I was in bed unable to function. This is not how I want to live. I learned that I have to avoid these situations.
Thank you again.
Lynn, so many people care about you! Trust me I know what it feels like, and all the questions that go through your head. The worst part is we will never know why us..?? I do believe over time it gets better, and definitely by seeking the right therapy. This accident doesn’t define you as a person! You are more than welcome to email me if you’d like to chat. Brittanymichelle4349@yahoo.com
Lynn! So sorry to hear this – So glad you shared it. Yes, do seek therapy – in person is great. Do join our zoom group if you feel up to it – you can join anonymously – without showing name and video if you like – there’s no pressure – just our attempt to let you know loud and clear that you are not alone! You have been through a significant trauma here – a human life was lost – it hurts to hurt others. You can email us too – we can arrange for a phone conversation. Peruse… Read more »
when is the zoom meeting? I dont need to hide. I just need to talk to other people. Thank you.
Hi Lynn,
Our monthly Fellowship meetings are 3rd Sundays at 5p EST. Hope to see you soon.
Chris+
I didnt get the secure link and I thought I could just join…..
Hey there! Just email us ahead of time and we will email you a link! Use the contact tab to do so.
I recently found out that one of my dearest friends accidentally backed over her infant daughter in 1989. The baby did not survive. I have also experienced the loss of a child to a drowning accident and know how all consuming grief and GUILT are. I lost Jordan in 2000 but with God’s mercy, have healed and forgiven myself for not being there for my son when he needed me the most. My question for you all is… how do I help my friend forgive herself and learn to LIVE again?? She is the most wonderful person and deserves to… Read more »
Hi Rhonda – It is so heartwarming that you have such love and concern for your friend! She is so lucky to have you! There are three things you can do: 1) Validate her feelings. She is rightfully stricken to the core over this – others may brush it off ‘It was an accident, get over it’ – kind of attitude – this does not help. She needs affirmation that her feelings are valid – do this. 2) she needs to know she is cared about/liked/loved – communicate this to her at all times. You can’t send enough cards, texts,… Read more »
I made this post on the “anniversary” and in a mix up it got deleted. While it is quite long, I decided to re-post and leave it as is. While it is quite lengthy, I didn’t want to change it as it was extremely cathartic. If you read it all, thank you for taking the time. It’s been 20 years today. On 10/24/2003 mine and so many other’s lives changed forever. To say these last 20 years has been hard living with the guilt is an enormous understatement. When it happened I didn’t even know or understand what was going… Read more »
Hi Friend-
You have been through much. Be good to yourself.
One of the drawbacks of being a healthy, well-adusted human is that we hurt when we hurt. Your pain is a sign you care.
You are doing the right thing when you seek therapy and reach out to caring people, like you’ve done here. You are so much more than your worst mistake.
I hope the recounting and the posting of this tragic event helps give you clarity – and that you are worthy!
Chris+
Hi. I am now sobbing at your pain because I can only tell you I can identify with it. I read your entire post. Mine just happened 6 months ago. Mine unfortunately has same ending but different circumstances. Im not ok. Heres the difference, I just graduated from Psych Nurse PRactitioner school and Im supposed to help others. I wish I had some words of wisdom. I can tell you its not just the trauma, its the very very very hurtful stuff that people say after the trauma. I will post my story. Please know I am not judging you… Read more »
Hi Lynne, thank you for reading my story and responding. I also read your story above. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m glad you have decided to embrace medication. I hope it has helped.. Im so sorry the people in your life have been so hurtful and insensitive. I (thankfully) cannot relate to that. I wish I had some words of wisdom in regards to that, because of course that just makes the guilt and pain so much worse. PLEASE seek a therapist if you haven’t already. They may be able to help you through that aspect of… Read more »
Thank you for reaching out! Im working on not letting this define me and its shocking to me how little support there is for “us” and more so Im going through trying to grow my skin by the insensitivity of others. I tell people who know me, “you know where my bar is for a bad day” and other things. I refer to it as “the incident”. etc. Im trying to come to grips with it but I have to remind myself not to get angry with myself when I cant think of a “regular” word….Its supremely helpful and upsetting… Read more »
Hi! I am sorry for my grammatical mistakes. English are not my first language. My terrible story occurs one month before. It was morning and i was going to work when i hit with my car a pedestrian in a road turn when i could not see her in time. Yesterday the police officer called me and say that the woman died. I am feeling awful. I feel like i should not continue my life cause i dont diserve it. I am going on a psychologist but I don’t think that it has helped my feelings. I search all the… Read more »
Hi Nina. I also just found this organization and felt that sense of liberation. It’s like on one hand you wouldn’t want anyone else to go through what you’re going through. On the other hand knowing there are others, and there’s actually a place to come together, is a strange but very real relief. All I can say is please continue the therapy. I know you say it hasn’t helped, but it can and will, it just takes some time. Also if you read through some of the comments here by Chris he says multiple times that you must have… Read more »
Thanks you dor your kind words. My people is the only reason why I try to deal with this. Otherwise I would have end my life. The pain is getting worse everyday. I simply can’t find a reason to be happy again. I hope one day to be able. Thanks again for your words. You make me cry knowing that someone cares to make me feel better. I hope you are ok and blessed. Thank you again ❤️❤️
Hi Nina – I’m so happy to hear this very kind response. You are a very special, caring person. This is one reason the pain is so intense – were you a serial killer and not bothered when you cause harm, you would not be experiencing the pain you describe. But you are a precious, fragile soul – thus your intense pain. This, of course, does not lessen he pain, but understanding it can make it easier to carry. Do keep lifting up the people and purposes you have in your life as a way to stay alive. And –… Read more »
Hi Nina! Thank you so much for reaching out with your story! Indeed, you are not alone here. 82 people accidentally kill someone – like you. And many of them are here – to form a group of support that is here for you. I am so happy you have a therapist. If he/she is not able to help properly, go find another. Therapy is a lot like finding a spouse – it often takes a bit of dating around. Therapists know this and are not offended. They will also tell you that the number one factor in making progress… Read more »
Thank you very much. I’m looking forward for the meetings. I hope to be able to participate. Thanks for your kind words. The pain now seems devastating. I really hope to get better in time cause I could not be able to live with this for the rest of my life. Thanks again!
Hi Nina, I just want to applaud you for sharing your story. About a year and a half ago I was in that same deep hole you find yourself now. The one where smiling even feels like it’s wrong. The one where it feels like you’ll never deserve happiness but I am here to tell you that you do and as much as I hate to say it you just have to give it time and you have to seek help. I ended up turning to an IOP program who’s focus was group therapy, individual therapy and much more. I… Read more »
Thank you, Sandra for you kind words. It feels good to know that someone can understand your pain. I don’t know how to reach out in blog but I would really like to have someone to talk. Thank you again for your kind words. I hope you have great time!!
Hi Nina, I’m writing to let you know that I had a very similar accident January of this year and have experienced an unbelievable amount of sadness, guilt and every emotion over the sun. It’s been the worst year of my life, but I want you to know that I’m feeling better now 10 months later and I do truly feel there is hope for you! I’ve seen a trauma therapist since February and she has been very helpful. I suggest finding a trauma specific therapist as they will know what you’re going through and can provide helpful guidance. I… Read more »
Nina, Please do not hurt yourself. I am certain that many people love you and you would cause them significant pain. Adding to the pain is not the answer. You are not alone. If you look at how many people this happens to, it happens more often than you think. As awful as all of this is, its comforting knowing that we are not alone. I have spent 6 months looking for other people to talk to and Im in a major metropolitan area. The VA denied me help. It seemed everywhere I turned there was nothing for me. I… Read more »
Thank you Lynn for your kind words. I am trying to think positive. I have decide to trust my therapist. I hope you are better and have people to talk about it. I hope someday this wont be taboo to talk about it. We also need help.
Almost 4 years ago now, I was driving home from the supermarket with my children. It was dark and I didn’t see an elderly pedestrian who was crossing the road until it was too late to stop. Two weeks later the police came to tell me she had died in the hospital. I used to be a hospice nurse and I am still so devastated to have caused another family such suffering. I got an 18 month driving ban and community service order, I got my licence back last year, but find it so hard to get behind the steering… Read more »
Hi Miranda – I can only imagine the difficulty you face having to drive following such a harrowing experience! I am so sorry for your pain. Having to live with such a fatal mistake is usually made easier with psychotherapy – so if you haven’t availed yourself to that yet I recommend that. Most people respond to opportunities to talk about or listen to those who have done the same thing – which is why this blog and website are here. Do take advantage of our offerings in ways that are comfortable to you. Harm like this is such a… Read more »
Hi Miranda
I am so sorry to hear about your accident. I want you to know you’re not alone! I had a similar accident 9 years ago, that I know I will always carry with me. One things I’ve learned over the years is that bad things happen to good people unfortunately. Because a horrific tragedy happened to us, doesn’t mean we’re bad people. Id love to connect with you, and share our stories. Take care!
Brittany
My car unintentionally accelerated in reverse, while backing up to pick up flowers at a small, family owned garden center. The break did not respond, and my car ran into the small cashier stand, killing the woman running the garden center, and injuring a child and her dad. The woman left behind her mom, dad, 4 sisters, brother, new husband, stepchildren, and was beloved in her town.
Heartbreaking! I was unanle to show that it was sudden acceleration, pleading guilty to negligent homicide.
I am devastated for this family!
Hi Janet – Thank you so much for posting this! As you know, your story is not unique – as once every 18 minutes someone is killed unintentionally in the U.S. – and many times that number are seriously harmed – causing many of us to feel exactly as you do. I am so sorry for your pain and want you to know you are not alone. I am guessing you have heard the advice to seek a therapist. This is key! You have suffered serious trauma and getting back to center is a weighty task. I hope you’re able… Read more »
Two weeks ago I was driving through eastern New Mexico. I turned left and was broadsided on the passenger side by a motorcyclist coming from the opposite direction. He was not wearing a helmet or leathers and his motorcycle did not have a headlamp. I did not see him until he hit me. He died while being transported by ambulance. The police are conducting an investigation. I have no idea what my level of culpability is or will be determined to be. My partner, who was with me at the time (I was driving his car), has been wonderful and… Read more »
Dear Jane – What a horrible event! I am so sorry for you and your partner! You are doing the right thing out of the gate: getting therapy! This kind of wound tends to be analogous to a physical injury: it will likely get better with time though the scars will always be with you. The kinds of support we offer are outlined elsewhere in the site – under the Support tab – and I invite you to become involved as much as you’d like. Regarding your question – this is a unique event you are sharing with your partner… Read more »
Im just thinking about you. Wanted you to know.
I’ve sat here and tried to write something profound or intelligent and keep erasing every line.
So I’ll just say that I am happy to find a community that I will hopefully feel comfortable enough to share my story with at some point. It’s been 20 years for me.
I’m thankful to have finally found this avenue to help facilitate my own ongoing healing and to possibly help others who have walked in these lonely shoes of mine.
Christine! Thank you for sitting through the awkward silence and posting this. It doesn’t matter if it was 20 days or 20 years – we’re wired to feel this pain. And when it’s something as irreversible as death – well, it won’t go away. But yes, Christine, you have found a wonderfully caring and loving community to come alongside you – reminding you that there is hope – there is a modicum of healing – and yes, to use the overused phrase, it gets better. Do make yourself available to the resources and opportunities for growth found on this site… Read more »
Hi my name is Lora. I’ve been married to such a great and genuine soul for about 10 years. My husband is selfless. He is kind hearted. He is amazing. My husband is afflicted. When my husband was 15 he was in his room with his best friend (16) enjoying a night of video game play. We are southerners. It’s normal for southern children to have weapons but not usually have unlimited access to them. However my husband was failed and was allowed to have a pistol LOADED in his room. On the tragic night he and his best friend… Read more »
Hi Lora – Your post is as alarming as it is tragic. Please do all you can to hook him up with a therapist, a clergy person, even us – to help him break this wicked cycle of self-blame and self-harm (yes, alcoholism/binging is self-harm!). I am so inspired by your faithfulness and care for your husband – and the wisdom you have to look beyond his cutting words – and see the pain that’s motivating him, Good on YOU for seeking his health and well-being! He needs serious help and I trust you are doing all in your power… Read more »
Haunted? My accident was July 14th, 1998 So we’re coming up on the 25th anniversary. Seems crazy that it was that long ago. I have been struggling as of late, not so much with guilt, but the feeling that I never really dealt with what happened. A month after my accident I returned to work as a way to “keep my mind occupied”. 3 months later I was charged with Vehicular Manslaughter, and ultimately pled no contest. Received 3 years of summary probation (basically, stay out of trouble). My life basically carried on as normal, and I kept working. Had… Read more »
Hi Byron – I heard a story recently about a chemical company that, in the 1930’s, had generated toxic waste. Instead of disposing of it as the law required, the company cut corners. Years later, people around the disposal site began to come down with unexplained illnesses and diseases. Some people actually died. This was traced to the water, and to the buried toxic waste that had started leaking. When we fail to deal with the toxic things in our lives in an appropriate manner, we cannot be surprised that it eventually leaks out and causes problems – sometimes even… Read more »
What to do on the anniversary? It’s 12 years today. Every year on this day I avoid making plans, and tend to withhold good things from myself. Some kind of penitence, I guess. I never know what to do. If feels wrong to enjoy things today. On most days, I try to avoid falling down the rabbit hole of my experience. Of course, it persists: in the back of my mind, in shadows of nothing on sidewalks and 2-lane highways, in news headlines and street-side memorials and movie plot twists. But I try not to let it take over. But… Read more »
Hey There – I am so glad you posted this! So many of us have the EXACT SAME THOUGHTS – and you’re the first person in a long time to really hit this nail on the head. The truth is, if we’re decent humans, feelings of guilt and shame are harmful – we hurt. We hurt for our victims, we hurt in our frustration at not forgiving ourselves, we hurt in our inability to find some way to mark these anniversaries that are not painful. And this pain is a result of the goodness of our humanity. Only well-meaning, thoughtful,… Read more »
I’m not sure how to heal. In 2020 I was involved in a car crash that killed a girl who was a year younger than me. I had glanced away from the roadway and ended up crashing into her on the interstate. When I went to the hospital they did a tox screen the night before I had used and it was in my system still so I was arrested on OWI causing death, currently on house arrest while I wait for plea deal or trial date. Mentally it has been really hard on me, for the first year after… Read more »
Hi Jessi – Thank you so much for your post! Yes, welcome to a club no one wants to belong to… you have found many people like you (and me) here. I always, first suggest, psychotherapy. These folks are trained to assist in this manner – most of them – you may have to try more than one therapist – most of us have – before you find one with whom you can really connect. Don’t be discouraged. The biggest predictor of success with a therapist is the degree with which you connect. I would also sign up to come… Read more »
I have been aware of this organization for several years, but have been hesitant to share my story. One reason for this is that my accident happened almost 39 years ago in June of 1984 and I did not want to scare anyone into thinking that whatever happened will, in fact, effect them for the rest of life. I have certainly gone through many “stages” of healing and truly believe that keeping the lessons close to heart have made my overall living comfortable, peacefull and dare I say, fullfilled, even though most of these effects are internal and spiritual. I… Read more »
Hi Cliff –
Your carrying this for so long is indicative of the wonderful heart you have.
I wish you peace and solace as the journey continues. Do let us know if we can help in any way we can.
Thank you for being so brave to share.
Chris+
I was in an accident 8 years ago at the age of 19 where a homeless heavily intoxicated man stepped in front of my vehicle and was never seen until he was going through my windshield. Later to find out the man passed away a few days later in the hospital. I was told over and over again that this accident wasn’t my fault and the man passed away from alcohol withdrawals due to being a heavy alcoholic. This accident has completely changed my life and is something I think about daily. It has made me think so negatively about… Read more »
Hi Brittany. I hope you’re doing ok. I know all about the what-ifs, BELIEVE me. It’s been 20 years and even still to this day I think about those what-ifs; especially on the “anniversary” which for me just passed. I hope you have been able to seek some therapy. I suffered greatly for 10 years before I finally sought some help. And help it did. Of course my life will never be the same, but time and therapy does make it easier. I’m actually at the point now where I need to go back. I haven’t gone in some time,… Read more »
Hi Deana! Thank you so much for the kind words. I have seeked therapy in the past, but it has been awhile. I believe that’s one of the hardest parts, trying to find one to connect with. Unfortunately my anniversary just passed as well on 10/25. I believe it definitely hits even harder around that time. I hope you are doing okay, and I’m here if you’d ever like to connect. Stay strong 😊
Brittany, Im so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story. I cant imagine getting that phone call. The last thing you want to hear is, “it wasnt your fault”…..because it doesnt change what goes on in your mind and body. I have heard that one before and its useless. Everyone who is on this site….can attest to that fact. Im hoping that I can become mostly functioning human being again. I believe in progress not perfection. Reading each of these posts and knowing that I am not alone has helped tremendously. My analogy is this….once someone has open heart surgery… Read more »
I was in an accident where a pedestrian was killed. I wasnt at fault but I think that makes it worse. If I had done something wrong, I could avoid doing that thing moving forward. I dont have that. Also, I find myself afraid of everything! Im staying home more and more because going outside is just always so much. Its a lot to wade through. I feel myself falling into a deep depression and lying to myself about having it under control. I’m a mess.
Hi Jamie –
Thank you for sharing this – I can only imagine your pain and I’m really sorry.
If you haven’t already, do seek out a therapist. We humans are not programmed to hurt members of our own species with impunity. The thoughts and feelings you are experiencing are totally normal and it is your body’s natural response.
Do go ahead and peruse our site – even come to a Fellowship meeting – there is a way through this. You are not your accident. You can find a way to cope in a healthy and life-giving way!
Chris+
I know all to well, as many do- the unending pain that comes along with unintentionally harming another, most especially when the injury turns fatal. What helped me most, most especially early on, was the Serenity Prayer- ‘God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’. Early on, and still today, when the broken record starts playing in my head of how horrible and worthless I am – I try to remember the serenity prayer and replace the self loathing broken record… Read more »
I have not been able to speak about the tragedy to anyone who understands. I stumbled upon this site and I feel this might be a safe place to find guidance. I am so lost. It’s hard to tell my story but it’s gotta come out somehow. On July 4th, 2021 in Bedford, Virginia after a fireworks show my life changed forever. I was celebrating and drinking enjoying the holiday with my girlfriend and our beautiful children, it was a wonderful evening until the end of the night. Me, my girlfriend, and kids got in the car and I was… Read more »
God can and will bring you peace, turn to him. Bring Jesus all your sorrows. I’ve seen others healed from these same kind of situations. They say time heals all pain but it is truly, time with God. Bring it to him.
My husband (also named daniel) would understand. At 15 years old he shot and killed his best friend while pretending to rob him. They was in his room hanging out and my husband unloaded his gun but forgot to clear the chamber. He pointed the gun at his best friend and pulled the trigger thinking nothing would happen..to his shock, he Shot him in the head and killed him. His best friends mom wrote him a letter stating she forgives him and encouraged him to go on and live a full life and to seek God. However to this day… Read more »
I was just trying to offer solace. I think 5 years in prison is ample accountability along with the loss of your daughter. Or was your comment aimed at me? I refer you to Dr Brian Goldman’s TED talk, Doctors Make MIstakes. He is more eloquent than I could ever be
Hi Julie! Just saw this post of yours, I didn’t get a notification (I don’t think…). Typed messages can get misunderstood at times… But, please be assured- I meant my earlier reply in the best possible way. I truly appreciated what you said and was just attempting to express that I agreed on a personal level. I look forward to listening to the TED Talk you referenced, thank you much!
Love, peace, and gratitude- to all, always🌻
I was driving and lost consciousness, we think there was a carbon monoxide leak in my car I had just gotten. I ran off the road flipped my car before slamming into an electric pole. My 5 year old son was killed he was asleep before accident and I don’t know how to not hate myself because he was my savior, after my second rape I was drinking extremely hard and ended up pregnant, he gave me reason to live and knowing I killed him is breaking me
I can imagine this must be hard to deal with. I encourage you to please seek help. I will pray for you.
Allie, I hope you are hanging in there. I am so so sorry this happened to you. Of course you hate yourself. That’s a very valid feeling and I can’t say I wouldn’t feel the same. I hated myself for a long time for killing a complete stranger, so the pain of it being your very own child is unfathomable. I truly hope you have been able to seek therapy and get some help. If you have fallen into an abyss of self loathing and self medicating with drugs or alcohol, please know you don’t deserve to feel this way.… Read more »
I want to correct something in my last post. When I said that making mistakes as nurse is “worse” than hitting someone accidentally in your car I meant that I think it seems morally worse. I may be wrong. A car accident would be horrifying and traumatising and I apologise if I seemed to minimise anyones experience.
J. I was a nurse and I made more than one fatal error. It was at a time when these things were swept under the carpet and not properly addressed. I tried to persevere in my profession because I thought if I could help other people it would make up for my errors. I did leave nursing as I was totally devastated and now in my 60s remain unsupported. Every aspect of my life has been affected and I will grieve to the end of my days. I feel my story is so much worse than someone who accidentally hit… Read more »
One of the most compassionate and extremely insightful posts I’ve read. I often feel the need to explain my life and circumstances and upbringing when I share my tragic experience- but, many times don’t- in fear that it will sound as though I’m making excuses for my bad behavior- but, nothing could be further from the truth… I appreciate background when an experience is shared with me- as I feel it helps me to get a full sense of things and to really understand and fully relate to the person sharing . Thank you so much for your wise words-… Read more »
Thank you Bekah. You have helped me with your story also. I think that background does matter. It is extremely relevant to what happens. And I don’t think that it’s an excuse but an explanation. And yes I think it is mitigating of guilt. Some would say that such extreme determinism leads to nihilism and abdication of responsibility but I think with grace it leads to great compassion. Much love Bekah and thank you too 🙂
“If there was no intent how can there be blame?” Legal culpability exists for a very good reason. A drunk or distracted driver (i.e texting,) may not have had intent to cause the “accident”, yet their negligence resulted in the accident. I’m not trying to sound harsh so please do not take it this way, it’s just that this statement seems to negate accountability.
This comment raises an important issue for our community. As this website indicates, we consider accountability to be an integral component of healing. By accountability, we mean that we look at ourselves with integrity and courage and conduct an honest appraisal of our responsibility, if any, for a tragic accident. It is also important to bring compassion for ourselves and others to this process. Accountability without compassion is harsh; compassion without accountability is empty. In my experience, the members of The Hyacinth Fellowship feel a tremendous sense of accountability and responsibility, while recognizing that they did not intend harm. Our… Read more »
We discussed this in the group last weekend (forgiveness) which is the opposite of blame obviously but it brought up the topic of blame and Im just going to throw this out there…I wasn’t supposed to be in the city that I was in when my “incident” happened. Furthermore, I had left a relationship with a man that I was “certain” I was going to grow old with because he let his VERY adult daughter move in with her children (for the 4 or 5th time-after his 25 year marriage dissolved–she had never left their home) and so I decided… Read more »
Here to re-add my story. On 10/24/09 I hit and killed a pedestrian that was attempting to cross a freeway. It turned out, she left the nearby hospital before being discharged and was trying to get home. She had no idea what she was doing, as she was inebriated, had been beat up by her boyfriend and was being treated for pain in the hospital. Somehow, I knew when it happened that she didn’t know what was going on. Our eyes met for a split second before the accident. It was like she came out of nowhere. The accident was… Read more »
HI Melissa! Thank you so much for telling your story. Those of us who have done similarly can experience great solace knowing others have learned to get on with life. I like to think of this ongoing pain as a sign of my humanity – even God-given compassion. Our pain, guilt, sadness, etc. are signs of our care for others – we don’t feel badly about doing things like this unless we are somewhat loving and caring toward others. 13 years after the fact, as you’ve mentioned, you’ve been changed to your core, reminds me that we are always changing… Read more »
Hi Melissa. I just found this site yesterday and read through all the posts here. I thought about you all day as my terrible anniversary is the same as yours, just 6 years before. This year has been especially hard. It’s the 20th “anniversary” (I wish there was a better word for it) on top of another terrible tragedy that occurred just a few weeks ago involving more unintentional deaths and injuries. It’s been rough to say the least. I hope you’re hanging in there.
The holidays can be a difficult and lonely time for CADIs. Please share with us how you are coping and what your experience has been like. The Hyacinth Fellowship is here for support.
Hello, i so appreciate that there’s a place where i can connect with others that can relate to my pain… My car accident was nearly 24 years ago. At the time, I was 25 and the woman whose life I accidentally ended was 51. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of her. Though I served 5 years in prison for my actions, the true sentence is life long- as the pain is never ending. It was was completely my fault. I fell asleep at the wheel after I had been drinking. Now that I am close… Read more »
Hi Bekah,
Your story is so tragic for both families. People makes mistakes. Sometimes nothing comes of them, and sometimes something terrible results. You unfortunately experienced the latter, but you’ve suffered enough. I wish you peace and self-forgiveness.
Bekah my heart goes out to you. I have had a drink and driven. I was lucky. You weren’t. You have paid more than enough for your error. I wish you peace and joy. If it helps you to know, you have dragged me out of a deep hole today. Thank you and much love. Your courage is inspiring 💕
Julie, your words help me more than you can imagine… for the last 24 years, it’s been by sharing my story, in hopes of it maybe helping someone else- that i find any sort of solace or sense of salvation from my demons of the past. Thank you and much love back to you! Your kindness is inspiring to keep on sharing. It’s not always so easy- but, if I can in some small, itsy- bitsy way help someone else- it’s MORE than worth it💕
Bekah and Julie. I found this website as I’m going through personal trauma. I read your story and felt “ oh god I’ve been so near and just barely passed the hardships you have faced.” I’ve so narrowly missed tragic occurrences as a mother. When one missed second of watching out could have and nearly cost some tragic occurrence that would devastate me and others. As a baby my son escaped from my flat while I slept. The door was off the latch when the boy I babysat left. My baby son crawled in the early hours along a busy… Read more »
Michelle, words cannot fully express how much I appreciate- not only your post, but, the tremendous love, compassion, honesty, and empathy behind it. I pray daily for peace and comfort for all those I’ve harmed and for my daughter to recognize how much I love her and that my past mistakes in no way were a result of not loving her enough but, rather, not loving myself, at all. One day at a time, I find myself inching closer to acceptance of what is, rather than lamenting over what isn’t. A lot of times it’s 1 inch forward, 2 inches… Read more »
I found the comment and reply sections, where people shared their stories and received support from other commenters, to be the most helpful part of the old website. I hope this will continue in its original form. It is a relief like no other to know that you truly are not alone, and all of the comments give that gift.
Thank you for this comment, and I think many people would agree. Although we are unable to bring over comments from the old website we are eager to encourage our community to share new stories, comments, and questions.
Thank you for sharing with us. Sharing and support are important elements of healing after we unintentionally harm someone.