If you have caused unintentional harm, or if you are trying to help someone who has, you can find support and encouragement here. Click below and join the conversation. Tell us your story, ask a question, or offer your advice and guidance – we want to hear from you!
I’ve just had the police come round to pass on a message from the deceased’s mother that she holds no animosity towards me and that she’s sorry I’m going through this too. I don’t know how to handle this. A beautiful gift that breaks my heart at the same time.
Hi Becky- Wow – how unexpected. This sounds like such a kind gift from the family of the deceased. These instances can be filled with a lot of emotions. Perhaps you’re not thinking you’re worthy. Perhaps you’re being reminded of the event. The family of my victim never did this – and I suspect it would be rare for most of our Hyacinth Fellowship – but it does show me that there are good people of compassion who are out there – lots of them – and it was a real stand-up thing for her to do. Perhaps bring it… Read more »
Saturday morning my 18 year old son was driving home. The sun caught his eyes, he reached up to close his sunroof visor and collided with a 38 year old cyclist as his car went left of center. She was a wife and a mother to a 2 year old. He never saw her and I can only imagine she never saw him. He was going 10 under the speeding limit, no cell phone and no other impairments. To say the least-I am begging to know why him. Why her. It is a twisty windy country road and he is… Read more »
This is exactly what happened to me 3 weeks ago. I could have written your post, driving safely (always have), sun in my eyes, didn’t see cyclist who wasn’t wearing a helmet. Tragically he hit my car head on and died. I’m now waiting for outcome of police investigation which I’m told could be a year. I could end up going to prison. My heart goes out to your son and I’m here to tell him I know exactly how he is feeling.
Dear Starla and Becky – OMGoodness – I am so sorry to hear this from you two – similar circs – similar tragedy – similar gut-wrenching pain. Why do these things happen? Will we ever know? Perhaps some time in another universe – but for now, we are all members of a club no one wants to join, all asking similar questions. And we reach out to one another. Your son’s accident Starla, is certainly hurting him – and because he’s a son – you”re very understandably in indescribable pain. It’s called ‘secondary trauma’ – and it can be just… Read more »
I would like to know where there are meetings! I cry all the time and am so scared if what that outcome of my investigation will be! I need help and my friend and family don’t understand and sometimes are insensitive with comments and hurt me more. I just feel so alone
You are not alone! Holly, our administrator, will update you on the meetings. Look forward to seeing you there. You are not your worst mistake. You can get through this.
Chris
Dear Adriana, Thank you for reaching out and sharing your feelings. I’m sorry you are struggling. Being scared is something I’m sure we can all relate to at one time or another. I think it just comes with the territory of the unknown in the unintentional harm experience. I hope you can find some solace knowing that at The Hyacinth Fellowship you are not alone. We are here for you, and we ‘get’ you. We have regular meetings online. You can get connected by emailing us at hyacinthfellowship@gmail.com I hope to see you at a meeting soon. Also, if you… Read more »
Unable to speak about all this openly. It’s just unspeakable even to the therapist I’ve been seeing. My partner and best friend is gone three years now and I still can’t speak openly about this subject
Hi Frank –
Thanks for articulating what so many of us feel.
I pray you’re seeking professional help for this deep, deep wound.
You are not alone.
You are more than your worst mistake.
Chris+
Friday I collided with a cyclist who died the next day. I was turning into a junction so it would have been his right of way. I don’t know what happened. I was driving carefully and was not distracted. I slowed to take the junction and to me the road was clear. As I turned the sun was in my eyes and I just didn’t see him. He wasn’t wearing a helmet and it was a head impact that killed him. I’m disassociated from it. I feels like a dream and I feel numb. I’m giving a police statement next… Read more »
OMGosh Becky – I am so sorry – And I am so glad you wrote this! Please know that you are not alone here. I was just out on a book tour and spoke with a woman who did something similar – she went through a stop sign that she never saw. Try to remember that the depth of your numbness is an inverse relationship to the amount of the love in your heart. Just the fact that you sought us out and wrote this tells me you are a woman of great compassion and – I’m sure – an… Read more »
Hi, i was in a smiliar situation i hit a cyclist in the dark he wasnt visable no lights or reflector.several years later ive finally come to a point where the inquest has been and o can finally starts my healing journey. Its a horrible sitation to be in but it will get better. I thought id never be ok, but it takes time patience and self compassion. Sending love 💜
Thank you. I feel so lonely. I have supportive family and friends but no one who knows how I feel.
Only people who have been throught it will understand . Healing is long process , but look after yourself to
Four years ago I was driving a van for my employer when I blacked out, went through a red light and T-boned a car with a women driver who I killed, she was dead at the scene. I was going 50 mph in a 25 zone and I have absolutely no memory of the accident. No drugs or alcohol were involved.I suffered a fractured pelvis, had multiple plates and screws put into my hip and I did not walk for three months. The District Attorney and the Judge knew and understood that this was an accident. However, The DA had… Read more »
Hi Paul – What powerful words – thank you so much for sharing this. I am so sorry for this. Accepting responsibility certainly needs to be done – but it needs to be done so compassionately. Think for a moment that you are not you, but your best friend is you – and has told you this story. How would you respond to your friend? Chances are you would not be nearly as judgmental and condemning to him as you are to yourself. But chances are you will have a hard time doing this – it’s a very human thing.… Read more »
Thank You Chris, I appreciate your words.
I am in the middle of your book now and it is proving to be very helpful.
I was pregnant with my first child, and he’s 25 now, a little 80+ year old woman ran in front of my car. It plays like a movie in my head on repeat all these years later, but I deal with it. Or so I thought I dealt with it. On a business conference a month ago, my coworker thought it would be funny to pretend to drive at another coworker. I had the worst public PTSD episode ever. The movie suddenly became my coworkers. I couldn’t look at them without the new movie going off in my head 100… Read more »
Dear Heather,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story and, perhaps more importantly, this valuable advice. This is why we always, always, always recommend people seek good therapy immediately.
When we do this we are not just helping ourselves, we are helping our future selves, as you so vividly remind us of how things can trigger us, even decades later.
Again, thank you so much, and if we can be of any help, know that you are welcome at our meetings and to any of the resources we have.
Peace,
Chris
On March 14th, 2025 around 9 pm I was driving home from a horseback riding lesson, something I’ve been doing for myself since completing mental health treatment. It was pitch black and I was on an interstate road with no street lights. There are no sidewalks, just trees and fields. Suddenly and very quickly a woman emerged from the side of my truck and I couldn’t stop quickly enough. It was too late. I braked as fast as I could. I struck and ran over her. It was an accident. I didn’t see her. I’m only 21. I veered to… Read more »
Hi Maddie – What a horror – and on top of the mental health issues you allude too – I’m so sorry. Please know that you’ve come to a Fellowship where, indeed, people do know the pain of accidentally killing someone, although, granted not yours. I mention this because you need to know that ours is a community where we ‘get’ one another – where age, income, race, ethnicity, don’t come into play – but where we work together to cope the best we can. Your first step is managing trauma – and I trust you have a therapist who… Read more »
In 2022 i hit a cyclist, it was dark i was on my way home from work. I was arrested and the investigation began now im at the point where the police have found it as an accident. 3 years on im waiting to attend and inquest, after having 9 months of investigation and a further year of and appeal which found it as an accident. Im dreading this as i will have to face the family. The cyclist had no lights and no high vis on. How am i going to cope with this? Im trying my best but… Read more »
Laura – Thank you so much for reaching out! What an ordeal – and I am so sorry for you. You have reached a community that ‘gets’ you – I have accidentally killed someone as well and gone through legal proceedings as well – as have much of the rest of our Fellowship. Make no bones about it, this is hard. For many of us it’s the hardest thing we’ve ever had to deal with in our lives. That said: you are doing the right things. Therapy and the advice of professionals is the best place to start. It’s also… Read more »
My wife died due to my inaction. This happened only 2 months ago in Febuary (snowy) in Wisconsin. My wife and I took our children sledding on Sunday. It was a great family day out and about – The perfect weekend day! On Monday everything was normal. I went to work and she went to paint a house we owned 30 minutes away. At dinner that night she said she was feeling run down and was tired and wanted to go to bed early. We ended up going to bed at 8pm Monday Night. Tuesday morning I left for work… Read more »
Hi Adam – Oh my goodness. I am so sorry for you and your loss. I can’t imagine how devastated you are and I am hoping you are arranging for counseling. You are in the throes of trauma, and the number one job ahead of you is getting control over it – which a psychotherapist can help you do, in most cases, faster. Second guessing our steps is common – we all ‘should’ on ourselves. You are in contact with a group of people, like me, who have accidentally killed others. So you are safe here, you are among friends.… Read more »
Hello, My name is Thant Sin and I’m 20 years old living in Myanmar. We, in myanmar, are celebrating Thingyan water festival in which people pour water on one another in hopes of cleaning one’s wrongdoings in the past year. Me and my 3 friends were visiting Mawlamyine and having fun going around the city getting poured by water tho we are not in any way intoxicated. Then at 6 p.m we stopped and we went back to our town which is like 42 miles away. The road is dark and I was doing 70 to 90 in sparsely populated… Read more »
Dear Thant – Thank you so much for taking the time to write! Your story is so heartbreaking and sad, unfortunately, it’s like so many of our stories. Like you, I have accidentally killed somebody. Remember that the pain you are feeling, the emotional distress, is a direct correlation to the amount of love and care you have in your heart. I hope you’re able to find a therapist with whom you can talk. A combination of time and conversation is the best recipe we have for helping you cope with what you’ve done. The good news is that most… Read more »
Hello , I recently made a career change which would be better for myself and my family. I’m a truck driver swapping out trailers for a cold foods company. Going on 3 months with the company. I work overnights which I enjoy. My dispatch called me a couple days prior to my start of the week asking if I’d be willing to work the morning shift since my route was canceled for the night. I said yes of course. It was supposed to be an easy morning . Just routine drop a trailer off and come back .About an hour… Read more »
Hi Frank – I am so sorry. What a traumatic experience to witness this. Please know that you are writing to a community that truly ‘gets’ you – for like you, most of us, myself included, have done the same thing. It’s important to note that the more compassionate we are, the more likely we are to feel guilty, ashamed, and responsible for something that really isn’t our fault at all. However, there is no one who can talk you into this – it may take time and therapy for you to get there. Certainly see a therapist – can… Read more »
Bodhisattva Vow (from Pema Chodron and ChatGPT) ~This brought me some comfort in my grief today so I wanted to share it with this precious community. I am so grateful for Hyacinth (and for all of you) every day. 💕🪻 For someone walking through the fire of guilt, grief, unbearable loss… and still whispering: “May I serve.” This vow is not for saints. It is for the broken-hearted. It is for you — The Bodhisattva Vow for Those Who’ve Caused Harm > Even though I have caused pain— even though my hands are not clean— I vow to stay. >… Read more »
Beautiful!
I killed someone. I think taking responsibility for it has been the easiest part. No part of me needed to wrap my hand around it. It’s a fact. Even though I did not make any conscious decisions that lead to her death, I still am a causing factor. I thought that was going to be the hardest thing to deal with after this. But it’s really the simplest fact. I set in motion a person’s death. I think people still expect me to process things the same way even though I am the world record holder for the longest series… Read more »
sending you love and care Leo, post-traumatic growth like going back to school is a courageous thing!
Leo L.D. Thank you so much for writing to us! It takes a lot of courage to put into words, and you deserve. Thanks for taking this step. The road ahead of you would likely be easier, if you were able to consult a trained therapist. You have been traumatized, perhaps, in many ways, and going through this part of the journey alone is very difficult. As someone who has done what you’ve done, I can somewhat relate to what you were going through, and I can tell you, for sure, that a therapist might be your best investment. More… Read more »
Hi, My accident was a few months ago.. It still feels like yesterday. I dont think im able to share just yet, But i really need to know from peoples experience, How many have gone to jail? I’m so scared about that, and its just another thing to haunt me and more potential trauma thats freaking me out already.. my accident wasn’t my fault in my eyes and my friends and family’s eyes, Something has gone terribly wrong for it to happen. But as a result it has caused a horrific accident leaving multiple people dead. Do you think i… Read more »
Hi There Tim – I am not in Australia – but want you to know you are not alone at all. I would say a minority of us have gone to jail – but that’s not scientific, just anecdotal. Regardless of where you go, you certainly bear the marks of one who has been traumatized. And I am so sorry for what has happened. Are you seeing a therapist? Talking this over with someone trained is extremely important and I hope you are doing this or plan to. Also, do pay attention to this website – it’s chock full of… Read more »
Hey Chris, Thank you or the kind words. Iv only just started seeing a phycologist as they were all booked out in my area for quite some time, Which wasn’t ideal. She’s mentioned E.M.D.R therapy, apparently is really good for trauma? Its good to know there is somewhere to talk to people going through similar stuff.. Although i will say i feel like i cant share my story mainly due to the worry that someone involved in my accident may be on here also, And i would hate to trigger them or say anything that might not sit with them… Read more »
Hi There –
Yes, EMDR has been good for some people.
Also, because of the wealth of people available online – if you can’t find anyone in person, I would not close off tele-health at all.
You don’t want to get into an echo chamber with just yourself – a trained therapist can guide and ground you.
You are better than your worst mistake – you can get better –
Thanks again for sharing your story! And I hope to see you soon at one of our meetings if you choose to attend.
Chris+
Hi Tim I am in Australia. Like you my incident happened a few months ago. I was involved in a traffic accident and my actions caused unintended deah to someone. Even so up to this time I was not charged with it. I only known this group since January. I managed to go to their latest zoom meeting. Most of the people on it were from the USA but even so I found it informative, and see there are people there that been through what we had been through. I highly recommend you to join if you have not done… Read more »
I am angry. When I was 18 (two years ago), about three months into having my license my car hydroplaned on a hairpin turn, and I was in a head on collision with a car in the opposite lane. Everyone walked from the scene just fine and it was ruled an accident. The following week the news was broken to me that someone in the car passed away from related and unrelated injuries. I spent over a year in court proceedings fighting incarceration for a car accident. I understand that the incarceration charge being on the table was political. I’m… Read more »
Hi Leo –
Thanks for sharing this – I am so sorry for your pain.
Like everyone in your group – I have accidentally killed as well and can understand what you’re going through – to a degree.
I hope you’re seeing a therapist – that’s job #1 – and I invite you to order our book and acquaint yourself with the other resources we have here. You are more than your accident! And we stand in solidarity for you and the invaluable nature of your worth.
LMK if we can help in any way.
Chris+
My son accidentally shot and killed his best friend on Friday. We are still in shock. The funeral is Thursday and we have not been able to talk with his best friend’s family to find out how they feel. This is so hard.
Allison – OMG – I am so sorry to hear of this! I can’t imagine your pain and emotion as a parent – but as someone who has done this I can relate to your son… I would buy a copy of our book straightaway – it will give you a lot of good basic info regarding this unique type of trauma. I would, if you haven’t already, get your son to a good therapist asap – step number one in this case is to get control of trauma. Peruse the site as well, if you haven’t already – and… Read more »
My accidents happened over two years ago. I was a family caregiver to my dementia father. His dementia was advanced and so was his cardiovascular disease. After being discharged from hospital due to pneumonia he came back home: weak, pale, full of wounds. At that time I promised myself to never ever put him in hospital. I wanted him to stay home but home hospice was unavailable and his GPs treated him over the phone. In the last week I witnessed his losing and regaining consciousness (once) , (once) throwing up clear mucus, bowel problems. On the last day of… Read more »
Hi Alicja – I am so sorry to hear of your distress over the way your father died. Holding ourselves accountable for tragedies – as warranted as they may or may not be – is a common human characteristic. It betrays the kindness of your heart and the love in your spirit. Looking back at your behavior with regret – and second-guessing your decision-making is so common – please know you are not alone here. A first step for you should be counseling – seeing a therapist – I would do that straight away. With talk and time will likely… Read more »
Thank You Chris. Actually I am not sure what to do. I am writing from Poland and I tried to find counselling but psychotherapists in my country don’t seem prepared to deal with such a serious case. I am all alone feeling I am a coward and a bad daughter, and that I failed my dad. At this point I strongly doubt I will ever find peace or will be able to forgive myself.
Hi Alicja – I am so sorry to hear things are so difficult. It is not an easy road – as a fellow person who has walked down a similar path I can partially relate. Finding help when you’re discouraged is not easy. I liken it, though, to finding a mate. Just because the first or second date did not work out, does not mean anything. Finding the right therapist is a bit like finding a spouse sometimes: it takes a failure – or two, or three, or seven – before the right one comes along. So don’t be discouraged… Read more »
Thank You. I will come to the next meeting.
We will be very happy to see you. If you like you can keep your camera and mic off while you check it out. You can participate as much or as little as you like. You can make it Alicja! You can do it.
Hi Chris. I haven’t yet joined the meeting because I am struggling with what happened. But I have a question to You and maybe others-what is healing? I used to be a very happy person and motivated to helping people. I became a caregiver to my dad out of love. I put on hold my life to be with him and it made me happy. Now after all this my life is shattered- I feel guilty and depressed. Will I ever feel peace and happiness again? Is this healing? Or will I struggle with guilt for the rest of my… Read more »
Hi Alicja – Thank you again for reaching out! I am so sorry this continues to plague to such a debilitating degree. The feelings you are experiencing would likely be helped by a trained counselor – have you been able to secure one yet? To answer your question – each person is different – as we have different ways of processing trauma. At The Fellowship, we steer away from the word ‘healing’ and instead, we prefer the word coping. You have been wounded, deeply, and this has left a scar. And we know that physical scars never quite go away,… Read more »
Thank You Chris! Still looking for a counselor.
Chris, do you thing people which we unintentionally harmed forgave us? Should we also try to forgive ourselves and not give into despair and guilt? Can we try to be happy again? And what sense spiritually has when it comes to nintentionally hurting someone? Why do we have to suffer so much even if we just tried to be good people. Some of us even chose careers to help others, but not to harm.
Two years ago I was working as an ambulance support worker (like a paramedic only less qualified). I went with a paramedic colleague to a man who’d called complaining of chest pains and received no answer at the door. I think it was me who tried the tall side gate and couldn’t gain access so thinking it was locked called the fire service. There was also a large dog barking inside the house. The fire service arrived and with a firm shove, opened the gate giving access to the back door which was also not locked. The patient was found… Read more »
Hi David – I am so sorry this happened to you – and know that you have found a place full of people plagued by ‘stupidity.’ Your compassion and certainly the guilt you carry is emblematic of the kindness and softness of your heart – as we in the Fellowship have discovered – it hurts us to hurt others. That said, another common mantra around here is that ‘we are not our worst mistake.’ In other words, we all do good and bad things – please seek to define yourself more kindly and in keeping with who you really are:… Read more »
Hi David. I only wanted to add that mistakes are unavoidable. If we put ourselves in situations when we are responsible for other people’s lives- you are a paramedic and I was a family caregiver- then this is something really courageous and profoundly good. Not everyone is so courageous and willing to show up for others. But it also means we will sooner or later make a mistake that will affect someone’s life in a negative way. The best you can do is to try to give your best. And don’t forget about all the people’s lives you have saved… Read more »
35 years and 5 days ago, when I was 16, I killed a toddler who ran out in front of my car. He died 10 days later in ICU. When I heard the news from my school counselor, I couldn’t breathe, the horrific despair and pain was visceral. I was institutionalized for suicide watch, placed in a straight jacket and sedated for expressing my despair. It felt like all the pain and grief froze in time in that instant. My parents were silent about it at home, so to survive I chose to keep it inside for decades, although it… Read more »
Hi Stephanie –
Wow – what a story! I am so happy to hear about your transformation! And your encouragement to this community. Yes, these moments come. Yes, people experience profound peace and can move on.
Thanks for sharing this inspiration and encouraging us.
Chris+
I am a mom whose 16 year old daughter caused an accident where the other driver was killed. As a parent, I spent many hours driving with my daughter and placed her in an intensive driving education program before allowing her to drive alone. I thought I did everything right. This was the first time she was allowed to take the car alone to go to a local store she had driven to many times with me in the car. She made an error in judgment and in an instant caused a fatal accident. This happened over four years ago.… Read more »
Hi Marie – Thanks for being so thoughtful and posting this. Yes, it’s a tough, sometimes long process. Of course therapy is the number one recommendation. Also – come to a fellowship meeting – they’re monthly – and you don’t need to turn your camera on (they’re on zoom) – because being with people who’ve done the same thing can have a positive affect. You should get our book too – it’s got a lot of wisdom and can help put things in perspective. We can’t manipulate the future – there are no guarantees – just odds – that this… Read more »
Hi Marie, I caused a fatality the first time I drove alone at 16. I never lost my license either. I got behind the wheel again a few months after it happened. Just little steps, up the street and back, and eventually longer distance, doing my best, fully present, building confidence. Honestly, I still get flashbacks when driving and I am extra alert. That was 35 years ago and now as a parent I can tell you I have struggled with anxiety of my child in the same situation or more that he would be killed in a car accident.… Read more »
Hi Marie, I too am a mother to a son whose accident, 5 years ago, caused the death of his girlfriend. I believe our pain may be similar as we hold the trauma, shame and grief of our children, knowing it will go with them through life. And I agree that his accident, is our family’s accident. We all hold the trauma, sadness and grief alongside him and question how will we ever find real joy again. From time to time I visit the Hyacinth Fellowship meetings and find them a comfort. I have also been to a therapist and… Read more »
A little over 16 years ago, I was driving back from Chicago after attending a wedding. My best friend was in the front seat of the car buckled in, my girlfriend and the woman I planned to marry was laying down in the backseat, unbuckled. The roads were wet from an early morning drizzle. Somehow…I lost control of the vehicle while exiting from one freeway to another. I unfortunately cannot recall how I lost control of the vehicle. Did I reach for the radio or my phone? Did I nod off from a late night at the wedding? Was it… Read more »
Joe – What a journey! I am so heartbroken for you – and so happy you decided to share this with us. As you may know, this happens once every 18 minutes in the U.S. There are a lot of people like you and me. Therapy, talk, time – these play extremely therapeutic roles – and I’m happy to hear it has served you well. But yes – part of our human condition is dealing with these losses and injuries – it’s just the journey the universe has given us. One thing I’ve heard over and over from our members… Read more »
Joe – many of the feelings and experiences you have articulated feel very familiar to me. I was the driver of a fatal car accident almost 11 years ago now. I did the work in therapy, I surrounded myself by a support system, so much time has passed, and I “moved on”. However… I still find ways to sabotage my happiness, because I feel undeserving. I, too, have phrases that I think of almost every day. After court, my friend’s father approached me and said, “I wanted to know you felt remorse.” It is like a broken record in my… Read more »
I am an ordained minister with over 30 years ministry experience (24 years inside prison walls), who recently applied for and received my LCDC-I license. I currently a member of the DWI Treatment team inside a women’s prison. I have only worked there for two months and during that time have counseled with several women convicted of intoxicated manslaughter. The most recent woman does not have a history of alcoholism, however she drank and drove one time and killed a young man ( a husband and father). She is in her early thirties and devastated by result of her choices.… Read more »
Fantastic! Thank you so much for checking in here – may your work of compassion and healing bear much fruit.
Chris+
What a blessing you are to the women under your care. I spent 5 years in a women’s prison for intoxicated manslaughter. My car accident was 25 years ago- I, like the girl you mentioned- had never had a dwi, or anything of the sort prior. I was 25, going through a devastating divorce, and made a horrid mistake. The pain, guilt, and remorse is ever present. I have reoccurring nightmares, all these years later- that I’m still in prison. Just had one last night, actually. In many ways, it’s as though I’m emotionally still in a prison- that’s like… Read more »
I am only beggining my journey to self-recovery but as a psychologist I would also encourage you to include the elements of self-compassion approach.
Last Thursday, I was driving home from work. It was 8.15 at night, and out of nowhere, a young woman ran in front of my car while I was traveling at 35 miles an hour. I did not have time. She was just there. She is in critical condition in the ICU, last I know. The worst part is, is I don’t even know how she’s doing, and I can’t find out. I’ve was cleared of all fault, a complete accident, horrific in every way, and I can’t deal with it. I’ve not gone to work. I can’t eat. I… Read more »
H Jess – Oh my goodness – I am so sorry for what you’ve been through – just one week ago. First – take care of yourself – surround yourself with those who love you – with those who validate your experience. I would purchase our book ‘Accidental Killing’ – and I would do the best I could to take care of myself. I advise a therapist to help sort things out – you have been literally traumatized – and you must take this seriously. Don’t do anything rash. You are deeply, deeply hurt and not yourself. Do take advantage… Read more »
The one year anniversary of the day my husband accidentally hit and killed a young woman is coming up this week. How should I handle it? He doesn’t talk about it much and I don’t want to dredge up the trauma again, but it seems thoughtless to ignore it.
Hi Linda – Thanks for writing – and bless you for being so conscientious and caring – your husband is a lucky man. Much of what you’re asking is contextual: you know your husband better than anyone. As a rule, you want to be careful that you don’t bring up this reminder because YOU want to – but because you perceive HE would want to. So I would play off of his inclinations, ie if he mentions it or you sense that he’s aware and hurting, then go ahead and offer comfort as appropriate. But you do have good instincts… Read more »
I was in a car accident when I was 17 years old and I crashed the car off the side of the road and my friend died. It’s been twenty years and I have sought help from therapists, spiritual teachers, groups, coaches. This still haunts me and I feel kind of hopeless. I want to live a happy life but sometimes it feels like I don’t deserve that
Hey Nolen – Thanks so much for this – As someone who knows what this is like I get it. I totally validate these feelings – whether it’s 2min or 20yrs – Unfortunately there is no magic bullet for everyone – instead it is a weight that might never go away, but that we can manage with help. Do continue to work on yourself – you are worth it – you are invaluable and irreplaceable – you are inspiring, encouraging, and caring for others and the world in ways no one else can’t. You deserve to live the best life… Read more »
A year ago, I shared my experience here: https://hyacinthfellowship.org/blog/join-the-conversation-comments-from-our-community/#comment-50157 The first anniversary is coming up and I’m scared of how that day would go. In fact, I’m still scared of how the accident will affect me and my loved ones in the months/years to come. The shame and guilt is still very much there. I still have flashbacks, panic attacks, low and dark moments from time to time. I just finished reading “Accidental Killing: A Survivor’s Handbook” and I am so grateful for this. It gave me some comfort knowing that what I was, and still am, going through is… Read more »
Avah! You are an angel – thank you so much for your encouraging words – As you well know, we are in this together – you are far from alone – and the good thoughts and prayers of the many around you are present – and may they buoy you during this anniversary.
Chris+
From the UK. Known to a number on zooms, I had the privilege of corresponding with MaryAnn as many others. She helped me hugely in my personal journey as a Mum of a CADI. I have been attending zooms now for a few years, when I can, despite it being at 10 pm on a Sunday night for me! This gift is specifically in memory of my beautiful daughter Kerith Anna, a doctor, aged 27 yrs. One thing I can do in her memory. She died 20 yrs ago on 7 November 2004 this week, so a sad anniversary. But… Read more »
Judy! Thank you so much for your generous and continuing support! We are so happy to be growing and reaching more people thanks to the kindnesses of you and others.
Chris+
I had a terrible car accident in January of this year. I was in a parking lot. Who has an accident in a parking lot where people get hurt! I lost control of my car. It went 75 feet and crashed. The air bags exploded. My friend sitting to my right was hurt. He ended up with a broken bone in his hand and a broken hip. My wife was sitting behind me without a seat belt. She went forward and hit my friend. She was knocked unconscious, had a concussion, broken maxiofacial bone and lost a tooth. I crashed… Read more »
Hi Paul – Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to. You are a healthy, full-hearted, human being – who’s created to feel shame and guilt for mistakes like this. It’s how you’re made – a kind, conscientious man. Make sure and work with a therapist through this who can remind you of your humanity – and that this kind of think happens every 18 minutes in the U.S. And try to be kind to yourself: who has an accident in a parking lot? Don’t know of anyone who keeps these stats but believe me – you are… Read more »
My name is Martina, I write from Italy. My brother, 21 years old, a month ago after an evening spent having fun together and after they had both reached their cars to go home, he hit one of his older friends. My brother is heartbroken, he has stopped leaving the house, he is afraid to even get into the car to travel a few km. We live in a small town, where everyone knows each other and they have not spared accusations and bad comments which are not helping my brother react to the accident. He continues to say that… Read more »
Guilty for having survived is so valid and real and he isn’t alone. People tell me what I did was an accident and it wasn’t intentional at all, but it doesn’t make the surreal pain any less surreal. I know what it feels like to be in excruciating pain and amongst a word of mouth small community. I bought Thick That Khan (sorry spelling) book on when a loved one dies to help me, it’s okay, maybe it’d help? It’s all about being in the present which of course I didn’t want to be, I wanted a time machine to… Read more »
Martina – You are so kind to write on behalf of your beloved brother! What a good sister you are! Please see that he goes to therapy. What he has done happens ALL THE TIME and there are lots of people who learn to cope and to live productive and even happy lives. He should be no different. Of course, he is young – and suffers from a lack of knowledge of the world and the journey through trauma. Tell him this happens every 18 min in the US alone – Have him sit in on a monthly Hyacinth meeting… Read more »
Martina you are a very thoughtful and supportive sister. Just knowing that you are there for him is already helping your brother, but in my case the trauma of my accident did not go away, no matter who tried to help. Thankfully today there are so many more tools available and I’m so glad you were able the find this group. I hope your brother finds a way to connect with others like us and some mental health resources.
Cara Martina, mi dispiace per tuo fratello. Condivido il suo dolore e ti ringrazio per essergli accanto. Non siete soli 🫶🏻 Con tutto il mio affetto, Alexandra (Francia).
Cara Martina, I am sorry for your brother. I share his pain and thank you for being by his side. You are not alone 🫶🏻 With all my affection, Alexandra (France).
It has taken 30 years for me to be able to tell this story. In April of 1994 I had met my best friend at a restaurant then headed home at about ten pm. I was a senior in high school, about to graduate near the top of my class. Heading down a divided four lane road at 55 mph, I saw something ahead of me and slammed the brakes to try to stop. I collided with the rear of a motorcycle that had been stopped on the road. I was in shock and my memory is spotty. Two nurses… Read more »
Hi Natalie, thank you so much for sharing your story! I am so, so sorry about all the pain you’ve endured over the years- especially for something that so clearly wasn’t your fault. I think it’s so beautiful that you are pursuing the field that you are! I feel that those who’ve experienced such difficulties and tragedies are in the best position to help others that are suffering, as well. It’s not easy finishing up a degree years later- as I completed my associates at 48! But, when there’s a will- there’s a way🙂 take care and ‘Don’t give up… Read more »
Thank you, Bekah! I start school Monday. I’m so nervous.
Wow Natalie – You have been so amazing – so strong, genuine, and full-hearted. I am so thankful for your inspiring story of resilience. Yes, as we grow – as time passes – we can make connections that eluded our younger selves – thank you for the courage, bravery, and pure will – to keep at it – and inspire others with your determination. We are here for you – as I – and other Hyacinth members share your experience – often with overlap – and if we can be of any help whatsoever pop into a meeting or drop… Read more »
Thank you so much.
On October 3rd 1990 I killed a man. An elderly man who was just out getting some shopping. I was 18 and he was 83. At approximately 12:30 that day I was the driver of a van that belonged to the company I was working for at the time. In the van along with me was a coworker. We had left the job we were working on just a couple of minutes previously (slightly earlier than we should have I have to add) and we were driving home to get our lunch. I would drop my coworker off at his… Read more »
Hey there Robert, thank you so much for sharing your story. It is essential that people hear how common situations like yours, and mine are. Yes, I am also in accidental killer, and so I know a little bit about the shame and grief that you are feeling. Well, we never fully recover from these things, time and talking about it are two proven, efficacious, strategies. Have had a counselor in the past, it may be helpful. See one now, knowing that, you don’t need to settle for the first one you find, but wait until you find someone that’s… Read more »
Chris. Thank you so much for reading my message. I apologise if it was rambling. I also really appreciate you posting a reply. I feel that by talking about it helps me a lot. Thank you for allowing me to share.
Aw, thanks Robert – you are welcome here!
Hi, I am the adult daughter of an elderly CADI and working through the myriad of emotions. Asking if anyone has resource for Cantonese speakers who have some experience on this. This is ripping us apart and we are still looking for help. We have a therapist now but she is not the right fit. Also Looking for a support group for family members to learn how to empathize and support her healing. She is 3 months post accident and wants to die. I think there was a reason she was spared although the accident and fatalities were horrific. Thank… Read more »
Janice – thank you so much for writing! What your loved one has gone through is as tragic as it is common – and I hope you’ll continue to access THF for all it’s worth. We don’t currently offer Cantonese resources – but perhaps someone reading this may be able to help. Do feel free to get as involved as you’d like with our monthly support group and peer support initiative. And, like dating, finding the right partner is not easy – keep at it regarding a counselor for your parent! Again thanks for writing, we are praying for you… Read more »
I hit a person with my car and she died. I was on my way home about noon I live in the country with narrow winding hilly roads with no shoulders. As I came around a curve that has a steep hill on the left and a drop off on the right the person ran across the road and the person was hit and went down the hill. I was not charged with anything and police investigation showed my speed at 35 as posted snd my car was in excellent condition. I was not distracted. Because the person died and… Read more »
Hi Joyce – Thank you so much for writing and revealing, so candidly, your feelings. If you have not already, please seek out a counselor. What helps us through these events is often a combination of time and talk. And counselors are seasoned at the latter! If you aren’t connecting with your counselor, don’t be afraid to find another. You deserve to get better and a counselor can often provide tools to battle these thoughts and emotions. Do pop into our monthly support meetings – and feel free to get involved in our other initiatives – things can get better… Read more »
Thanks Chris, I have a therapist and seems like I make progress then something happens that sets me back. Therapist is great it’s outside situation Opening the rabbit hole. Will definitely seek out the monthly meetings. Don’t think I have found the tiimes and place. Joyce
Joyce
i am the adult daughter of a CADI. I would like to reach out as I am supporting my mother in her healing. Her occurrence also happened in March. This Hyacinth group has been a huge blessing. Just knowing we are not alone. I am adding you to my prayers and also sending my email in hopes we can help each other. My mother is not fluent in English, so I’ve translated a lot of what I am learning from this resource.
I was 18 years old in 1978 and I was driving my high school sweetheart and I back home at 1am after working a double shift together at a local restaurant on Long Island. The road was dark and curvy and I must not have been paying close enough attention because I went off the road and hit a telephone pole on the passenger side. The car was ripped open and she was thrown out and killed instantly. To say I was devasted and felt completely responsible would be an understatement. Filled with self-loathing and personal doubts, it took me… Read more »
Hi Gregg –
Thank you so much for this thoughtful post – what a tragedy you’ve been through and I’m inspired to hear how you’ve been able to move on productively and with moments of joy in your life!
Do stay in touch with us Gregg – we could use your positivity and good nature here.
Chris+
I work in healthcare. There was a case I was involved in ten years ago that I still think about every single day of my life. My patient was not doing well after an intervention. I stayed over my shift trying to problem solve and troubleshoot. After trying everything I knew to try, I finally handed report over to the next shift, informed the physician of the situation, and clocked out. After my commute and a shower, I called in to check on the patient. She had died. I immediately lost all control of my emotions. I began replaying the… Read more »
Hi Diane – Thanks so much for posting here – What you’re battling, is not stupid or small. The guilt, pain, and shame you feel is all too real – and it appears to have had huge consequences on your overall health. I am so sorry this is such a big battle. Intrusive thoughts of this nature are never idiotic – but they are illogical. I am guessing you’ve sought professional help here, and if not, do so, knowing that finding a good counselor is a bit like finding a spouse: it usually takes more than one date. So don’t… Read more »
My son (35 yo) was driving in a big truck in the rain at 5 am in the morning. He passed a vehicle in the passing zone going 50 mph in a 75 mph zone. As he was passing, a car that was passing in the other directions passing zone suddenly appeared. My son drove to the shoulder. Unfortunately so did the other car. It was purely 2 vehicles in the wrong place at the same time. They hit head-on. Being in a big truck, he actually drove over the other small vehicle, it burst into flames. There was a… Read more »
Hi Tracey – I am so sorry to hear this – what a tragedy for all involved. When the injuring party reaches out to those to whom they have injured it is best to start with an intermediary. Perhaps your lawyer or a clergy person, can make overtures to the injured party for you and get some sort of sense of their receptivity to any message from you. Please realize that any contact you make has the potential to further pain the injured party, something I’m sure you don’t want. You don’t want to alleviate your pain at the expense… Read more »
Hi Tracey,
Going through something similar as your son. I wonder if he would be open to chatting sometime.
I killed one of my best friend by accident shotting her in 1995 Argentina. We were 15 y/o and the gun´s owner was her boyfriend who lied to me about the gun being a toy. I still suffer nightmares, panic attacks and lot of guilt. I´m 44 and I´m figure it out how to live with this pain and shame. All my love for you guys, hug you in distance. GRACIAS.
Gabriela –
Thank you so much for sharing this – you remind us of the frequency of this – once every 18min here in the U-S. We always recommend therapy – talk and time are the best combinations here.
Hugs right back at you.
Chris+
My accident was 38 years ago. I was speeding at 4am on a clear dry road when a pedestrian ran out from behind a sheltered bus stop. Because of the Advertisement panel we did not see each other, I hit him and he died. This was 100% my fault. I was arrested and charged with dangerous driving causing death. I got 3 years probation and lost my license for a year. The Judge said he has never seen anyone with so much remorse and that there is no need to punish this man – he is going to do it… Read more »
Thank you so much for sharing your brave, difficult and amazing story!! I was very moved, and I have no doubt that your story will help others.
Wow Colin-
Thanks so much for this – you are amazing.
These stories, the pain we experience and read about still makes my stomach sink. It’s been almost a year now. A year since the worst day of my life. A year since I accidentally took a young girls life. A year of not knowing if I also took a young boys life. Many questions arise with my accident, some still no one has answers to. What I do know is that I was driving in the middle of the night, on a dark back road, as I blinked I watched a little girls life flash before her eyes, as I… Read more »
Hi Alyssa –
Thank you so much for posting.
I am so sorry for your pain. You sound like such a good person. They say that the amount of our sorrow equates with the bigness of our hearts.
Please know that as you go through this you are not alone. I have also accidentally killed someone – and understand the pain you are feeling. Please know that my prayers – our prayers as an organization – are with you as you navigate your years.
Again, thanks,
Chris+
I was driving home from refereeing a soccer game( still dressed in my ref gear). Did not see 2 people crossing the road (not in a crosswalk) I hit both of them and got out of my car to see them both getting cpr and I just passed out. This was just under 2 years ago had to plea guilty to vehicular homicide and got 5 years probation and 200 hours of community service. The day after my conviction they put up a crosswalk. I have been on the road for work for over 30 years and never had an… Read more »
Stuart – I think we all agree that there is so much that is unfair about how accidental deaths are dealt with in our society. I’m sorry for you. I wish could do more for you than to say “breathe,” and do so intentionally. I have found that deliberate “box breathing” or “4square breathing” helps me to manage the times I become overwhelmed by guilt, shock, and sadness. If professional counseling is available to you I urge you to get it.
Stuart- What a sad story – what a tragedy for you and all concerned – I am so sorry. I’m sure I’m not the first to recommend counseling to you. Heavy burdens are best shared. If you haven’t done it – or have quit – don’t be discouraged – because the world needs you healthy. You are not done yet. You are greater than your worst episode. It need not define you. Do take advantages of the resources on this site and know that you are not alone in your suffering – nor in your ability to get through this.… Read more »
I’m not ready to share my story yet. But yes yes yes unfortunately I understand these feelings. A rollercoaster of survivors guilt and remorse and Shame all rolled into one . It’s been 17 or 18 years and I still feel my stomach churn. I have gone thru so much therapy that there seems to me to be nothing left to mend. I’m simply broken
Hi Tammy. I feel that the best thing about sharing these stories with each other is to know that we are not alone with these feelings. I don’t know anyone else who has been through something like this, but of course, if they have, they probably don’t talk about it. My accident was many years ago and I still feel guilt and shame. I have found that the right therapist can help though. I have also found that helping people also helps me get out of my own head and focus on others. I try to stay busy, I work… Read more »
Hi Tammy –
Thank you so much for reaching out here – your resilience and determination to go on are stunningly inspirational.
We are here when you’re ready. You’re an invaluable and irreplaceable soul, given life and purpose to channel benevolence into the world. Thanks for doing so.
I was driving down a dark 4 lane road coming home from work. The road is unlit and no lighting from anywhere, I encountered a big tall truck with pircercing led lights shined down right into my small car, I could not see a thing. And when he passed I was blinded for about 2-3 seconds. I immediately looked to right curb lane for relief from on coming traffic. I saw only darkness in front and behind. I moved over quickly and when I looked back there was the small red light Of a cycle right in front of me… Read more »
Hi John –
What a heart-wrenching story – thank you so much for sharing it. As someone who has accidentally killed, I get it – and I feel so much the same regarding self-blame and remorse.
Do continue your work – of claiming your place as someone who has done something bad but is not bad. You are more than the worst event you’ve participated in.
Do connect with us more deeply if it can help – so glad you reached out.
I was heading home from my mom’s house at 1:30am July 29th, 2023, and was going up a one way bridge I always take to get to my apartment. It’s not a straight bridge you go up then straight then you go down and around a curve. As i was coming around the curve out of nowhere I saw a flash of a guy on a motorcycle and I saw his shocked face right before he hit me. He was going the wrong way down the one way road. I instinctively put my car in park took my seatbelt off… Read more »
Hi Hannah – What a horrible event. I am so sorry for you and all involved. First off, I do hope you are seeing a counselor, talk and time are the two proven components to arriving at a place of healthy coping. Second, I do hope you are perusing this website to find things that may appeal to you regarding your ongoing support. As someone who has caused accidental death myself I understand a bit of what you are going through and want you to know you are not alone: this happens every 18 minutes in the U.S. and the… Read more »
May 29, 2021. It started out so normal. I got a call from dispatch that they had a couple loads for me. I get in my Peterbilt, drive to the rental yard, load the machine for delivery and drive to the first site. It goes off without a hitch. I load another machine and head off to the second. I was driving down a two lane highway, and I see a Dodge pickup with a welding bed come at me at a high rate of speed. I see him sideswipe the truck in front of me. He goes into a… Read more »
Hey Andy – Thanks so much for sharing this story – it’s the heartbreaking, soul-crushing reality of the transportation world we live in.
I hope you’re getting therapy – you’ve been incredibly traumatized and God bless you for your dedication to your profession.
Please peruse our site and take advantage of any of our offerings. Let us know if there’s anything further we can do to help. We’re here – I’m here – because we’ve gone through the same thing – and know that we can make it through.
Chris+
A week ago exactly, I was driving home with my dog in the car after picking up dinner. I was driving down an intersection less than half a mile from my house, and was turning left on a green light. Out of nowhere it seemed like a man appeared right in front of my car. I braked, but it was too late. The officers stated that I had followed all the rules, drove under the speed limit, called 911, but I still cannot get the image of the incident out of my head. They called me the next day to… Read more »
Hey Harshini – Thanks so much for reaching out – and please know you are not alone! I am hoping you’ve contacted and are seeing a therapist. Many of the question you ask and feelings you’re experiencing are best to share with a trained professional. However we are here! And I’m so happy you’ve reached out. You’ve been through perhaps the worst incident in your life and you need to know that most of us do fine a way through it. Notice I didn’t say ‘over’ it – because it’s like a severe wound with a permanent scar. Do peruse… Read more »
My husband accidentally ran over and killed a young woman. It was not his fault. He’s been trying to find counseling but everything he’s tried they want to go back to his days in Vietnam. What he needs is help with this most recent trauma, not 50 years ago! He thinks he’s fine but he’s not. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Donna- What a terrific wife you are – thank you for your compassion and assertiveness here. By all means, find a counselor. Trauma like this is like buried toxic waste – sometimes it takes 5 months, sometimes 50 years. But in every case, let’s let the experts handle it. Do peruse our site and find what looks good – and is appropriate for your husband. Of course he is welcome at our monthly fellowship meetings – and we do offer ‘Peer Support’ if you think that would be helpful – look around the site and see. And know that… Read more »
I found this website after reading the book Accidental by David Peters. It was super helpful. I read it in two days. One year ago I was involved in a fatal crash. I was turning left on a blinking yellow light. Suddenly my car was stopped with a bang, the airbag had deployed and my passenger said a motorcyclist had hit me. I went to him, he was laying motionless in the street. I began chest compressions as best I could. I couldn’t get his helmet off and he had a protective vest on. 911 operator told me to straighten… Read more »
Hi Susie – Thank you so much for writing! And I am so sorry you’ve had to go through this. The reality is that you are not alone – we live in an accidental world and your trauma is shared (by me and) by millions of people. Do make sure and get a counselor to walk with you through this dark time. Do check out our resources here – we want to help as much as we can. And do the best you can to forgive yourself. We are here for you! Feel free to reach out in any way… Read more »
I agree, this is certainly a fallen world, marred by death and suffering all as a result of sin. Death is guaranteed for all of humanity as we read in Romans 6:23 and Hebrewes 9:27. We see that all are sinners and that none are good as we read in Romans 3:23 and Romans 3:10-12. Death is a consequence of sin and will be experienced by all at some point. Eternal death (eternal seperation from God in the lake of fire) will be experienced by those who die in their sin apart from Christ. The only hope man has in… Read more »
Did his motorcycle have aworking headlight?
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I was in a situation where a motorcycle was going the wrong way down the road and hit me head on coming around a curve at 1:30 am. He died on scene. I’m only 21 yrs old and am now traumatized for the rest of my life. My car was totaled. He had hit my windshield and flew over my car. I hope you can heal from this. Sending hugs to you.
I’m 21 and a couple weeks ago killed a woman who emerged in front of my car. Does it get any easier? I feel like I was forced to grow up completely.
I am so glad that I found this site. My grandson, 16 yrs old, accidentally shot and killed his 18 year old friend. He was arrested for Manslaughter but is out on bond. I can “feel” that he is having a hard time accepting what he did and I realize that he needs someone to talk with and that he may have a hard time discussing his feelings with his family. I will give him this site and hope that he will engage in conversation or at least put in words what he is going through emotionally. Please send me… Read more »
Hi Betty –
You are not alone here – so many good friends/family have been good advocates for their loved ones – like you.
Yes, go ahead and see that he gets counseling – he has been through more than he probably comprehends. And let us know what else we can do – as we have already responded via email!
Chris+
My name is Jay and I was in an accident on Thanksgiving of 2023. I was driving home with my girlfriend (passenger seat), my stepfather (back seat behind driver), sister (in between her dad and boyfriend), and my sister’s boyfriend (back seat behind front passenger side.) On the way home I fell asleep behind the wheel and my girlfriend noticed we were going towards incoming traffic. When she had alerted me I over corrected myself which lead us to swerve. I seen a ditch in front of us and I thought if I skim the edge of the ditch it… Read more »
Hi Jay! Thank you so much for stepping in here and sharing your story. You have been through so much – you have such relatable guilt and regret – both signs that you’re a decent human being and worthy of getting through this. I’m so glad to hear you’re getting therapy and have people around you who love and care for you. You have connected with a community that’s just like you. We’ve harmed seriously, or in my case, killed – all unintentionally. You are invited to not only peruse any relevant resources on our site – but please, do… Read more »
First, congratulations you got back in the car. Small steps, small victories. You are going to see that anger is shared among some of us. I hit my 8th month last week and my story is below, if you feel like reading it. I wish I could tell you that things are better for me right now but at the moment, I am a work in progress. You have a family who loves you and first and foremost, be grateful that everyone survived. Look at how many times you got in a car and got from point A to point… Read more »
I never knew this group existed, and still wish that were true. But Dec 13, 2023 was a day like any other, spent the day working and on my way home.- 8 pm and its pretty dark this time of day in the mid west I was driving home from work, down a road I have driven a million times. When suddenly a dark figure appeared directly in front of me. I slammed on the brakes, but couldn’t stop in time. I saw the vehicle hit the pedestrian and push them into the intersection. I immediately stopped and got out… Read more »
Hi Devin – Thank you so much for sharing your heart here- You are not alone in your struggle! You have found a group that ‘gets’ you – and I hope you will peruse the site and find what works for you. I also commend therapy. Telling a professional what you’re feeling – how you’re doing – etc – can be really helpful. Yes, holidays are tough. The guild, shame, regret… But please know – incidents like yours happen once every 18 minutes in the U-S. You are not the first nor the last who will go through this –… Read more »
Hi Devin, I was in basically a similar situation except that it was 3am I was on my way to work and there was zero visibility. None. See my story below. The what if’s are endless, aren’t they? Being part of this group is not how anyone wants to do things. Trust me, I am at the 8 month mark and all I could think about was how someone was spending their holiday with an empty chair. I wish I didn’t know exactly how you feel but I do. Please remember to keep remembering that you are here because you… Read more »