If you have caused unintentional harm, or if you are trying to help someone who has, you can find support and encouragement here. Click below and join the conversation. Tell us your story, ask a question, or offer your advice and guidance – we want to hear from you!
35 years and 5 days ago, when I was 16, I killed a toddler who ran out in front of my car. He died 10 days later in ICU. When I heard the news from my school counselor, I couldn’t breathe, the horrific despair and pain was visceral. I was institutionalized for suicide watch, placed in a straight jacket and sedated for expressing my despair. It felt like all the pain and grief froze in time in that instant. My parents were silent about it at home, so to survive I chose to keep it inside for decades, although it… Read more »
Hi Stephanie –
Wow – what a story! I am so happy to hear about your transformation! And your encouragement to this community. Yes, these moments come. Yes, people experience profound peace and can move on.
Thanks for sharing this inspiration and encouraging us.
Chris+
I am a mom whose 16 year old daughter caused an accident where the other driver was killed. As a parent, I spent many hours driving with my daughter and placed her in an intensive driving education program before allowing her to drive alone. I thought I did everything right. This was the first time she was allowed to take the car alone to go to a local store she had driven to many times with me in the car. She made an error in judgment and in an instant caused a fatal accident. This happened over four years ago.… Read more »
Hi Marie – Thanks for being so thoughtful and posting this. Yes, it’s a tough, sometimes long process. Of course therapy is the number one recommendation. Also – come to a fellowship meeting – they’re monthly – and you don’t need to turn your camera on (they’re on zoom) – because being with people who’ve done the same thing can have a positive affect. You should get our book too – it’s got a lot of wisdom and can help put things in perspective. We can’t manipulate the future – there are no guarantees – just odds – that this… Read more »
Hi Marie, I caused a fatality the first time I drove alone at 16. I never lost my license either. I got behind the wheel again a few months after it happened. Just little steps, up the street and back, and eventually longer distance, doing my best, fully present, building confidence. Honestly, I still get flashbacks when driving and I am extra alert. That was 35 years ago and now as a parent I can tell you I have struggled with anxiety of my child in the same situation or more that he would be killed in a car accident.… Read more »
A little over 16 years ago, I was driving back from Chicago after attending a wedding. My best friend was in the front seat of the car buckled in, my girlfriend and the woman I planned to marry was laying down in the backseat, unbuckled. The roads were wet from an early morning drizzle. Somehow…I lost control of the vehicle while exiting from one freeway to another. I unfortunately cannot recall how I lost control of the vehicle. Did I reach for the radio or my phone? Did I nod off from a late night at the wedding? Was it… Read more »
Joe – What a journey! I am so heartbroken for you – and so happy you decided to share this with us. As you may know, this happens once every 18 minutes in the U.S. There are a lot of people like you and me. Therapy, talk, time – these play extremely therapeutic roles – and I’m happy to hear it has served you well. But yes – part of our human condition is dealing with these losses and injuries – it’s just the journey the universe has given us. One thing I’ve heard over and over from our members… Read more »
I am an ordained minister with over 30 years ministry experience (24 years inside prison walls), who recently applied for and received my LCDC-I license. I currently a member of the DWI Treatment team inside a women’s prison. I have only worked there for two months and during that time have counseled with several women convicted of intoxicated manslaughter. The most recent woman does not have a history of alcoholism, however she drank and drove one time and killed a young man ( a husband and father). She is in her early thirties and devastated by result of her choices.… Read more »
Fantastic! Thank you so much for checking in here – may your work of compassion and healing bear much fruit.
Chris+
Last Thursday, I was driving home from work. It was 8.15 at night, and out of nowhere, a young woman ran in front of my car while I was traveling at 35 miles an hour. I did not have time. She was just there. She is in critical condition in the ICU, last I know. The worst part is, is I don’t even know how she’s doing, and I can’t find out. I’ve was cleared of all fault, a complete accident, horrific in every way, and I can’t deal with it. I’ve not gone to work. I can’t eat. I… Read more »
H Jess – Oh my goodness – I am so sorry for what you’ve been through – just one week ago. First – take care of yourself – surround yourself with those who love you – with those who validate your experience. I would purchase our book ‘Accidental Killing’ – and I would do the best I could to take care of myself. I advise a therapist to help sort things out – you have been literally traumatized – and you must take this seriously. Don’t do anything rash. You are deeply, deeply hurt and not yourself. Do take advantage… Read more »
The one year anniversary of the day my husband accidentally hit and killed a young woman is coming up this week. How should I handle it? He doesn’t talk about it much and I don’t want to dredge up the trauma again, but it seems thoughtless to ignore it.
Hi Linda – Thanks for writing – and bless you for being so conscientious and caring – your husband is a lucky man. Much of what you’re asking is contextual: you know your husband better than anyone. As a rule, you want to be careful that you don’t bring up this reminder because YOU want to – but because you perceive HE would want to. So I would play off of his inclinations, ie if he mentions it or you sense that he’s aware and hurting, then go ahead and offer comfort as appropriate. But you do have good instincts… Read more »
I was in a car accident when I was 17 years old and I crashed the car off the side of the road and my friend died. It’s been twenty years and I have sought help from therapists, spiritual teachers, groups, coaches. This still haunts me and I feel kind of hopeless. I want to live a happy life but sometimes it feels like I don’t deserve that
Hey Nolen – Thanks so much for this – As someone who knows what this is like I get it. I totally validate these feelings – whether it’s 2min or 20yrs – Unfortunately there is no magic bullet for everyone – instead it is a weight that might never go away, but that we can manage with help. Do continue to work on yourself – you are worth it – you are invaluable and irreplaceable – you are inspiring, encouraging, and caring for others and the world in ways no one else can’t. You deserve to live the best life… Read more »
A year ago, I shared my experience here: https://hyacinthfellowship.org/blog/join-the-conversation-comments-from-our-community/#comment-50157 The first anniversary is coming up and I’m scared of how that day would go. In fact, I’m still scared of how the accident will affect me and my loved ones in the months/years to come. The shame and guilt is still very much there. I still have flashbacks, panic attacks, low and dark moments from time to time. I just finished reading “Accidental Killing: A Survivor’s Handbook” and I am so grateful for this. It gave me some comfort knowing that what I was, and still am, going through is… Read more »
Avah! You are an angel – thank you so much for your encouraging words – As you well know, we are in this together – you are far from alone – and the good thoughts and prayers of the many around you are present – and may they buoy you during this anniversary.
Chris+
From the UK. Known to a number on zooms, I had the privilege of corresponding with MaryAnn as many others. She helped me hugely in my personal journey as a Mum of a CADI. I have been attending zooms now for a few years, when I can, despite it being at 10 pm on a Sunday night for me! This gift is specifically in memory of my beautiful daughter Kerith Anna, a doctor, aged 27 yrs. One thing I can do in her memory. She died 20 yrs ago on 7 November 2004 this week, so a sad anniversary. But… Read more »
Judy! Thank you so much for your generous and continuing support! We are so happy to be growing and reaching more people thanks to the kindnesses of you and others.
Chris+
I had a terrible car accident in January of this year. I was in a parking lot. Who has an accident in a parking lot where people get hurt! I lost control of my car. It went 75 feet and crashed. The air bags exploded. My friend sitting to my right was hurt. He ended up with a broken bone in his hand and a broken hip. My wife was sitting behind me without a seat belt. She went forward and hit my friend. She was knocked unconscious, had a concussion, broken maxiofacial bone and lost a tooth. I crashed… Read more »
Hi Paul – Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to. You are a healthy, full-hearted, human being – who’s created to feel shame and guilt for mistakes like this. It’s how you’re made – a kind, conscientious man. Make sure and work with a therapist through this who can remind you of your humanity – and that this kind of think happens every 18 minutes in the U.S. And try to be kind to yourself: who has an accident in a parking lot? Don’t know of anyone who keeps these stats but believe me – you are… Read more »
My name is Martina, I write from Italy. My brother, 21 years old, a month ago after an evening spent having fun together and after they had both reached their cars to go home, he hit one of his older friends. My brother is heartbroken, he has stopped leaving the house, he is afraid to even get into the car to travel a few km. We live in a small town, where everyone knows each other and they have not spared accusations and bad comments which are not helping my brother react to the accident. He continues to say that… Read more »
Guilty for having survived is so valid and real and he isn’t alone. People tell me what I did was an accident and it wasn’t intentional at all, but it doesn’t make the surreal pain any less surreal. I know what it feels like to be in excruciating pain and amongst a word of mouth small community. I bought Thick That Khan (sorry spelling) book on when a loved one dies to help me, it’s okay, maybe it’d help? It’s all about being in the present which of course I didn’t want to be, I wanted a time machine to… Read more »
Martina – You are so kind to write on behalf of your beloved brother! What a good sister you are! Please see that he goes to therapy. What he has done happens ALL THE TIME and there are lots of people who learn to cope and to live productive and even happy lives. He should be no different. Of course, he is young – and suffers from a lack of knowledge of the world and the journey through trauma. Tell him this happens every 18 min in the US alone – Have him sit in on a monthly Hyacinth meeting… Read more »
Martina you are a very thoughtful and supportive sister. Just knowing that you are there for him is already helping your brother, but in my case the trauma of my accident did not go away, no matter who tried to help. Thankfully today there are so many more tools available and I’m so glad you were able the find this group. I hope your brother finds a way to connect with others like us and some mental health resources.
It has taken 30 years for me to be able to tell this story. In April of 1994 I had met my best friend at a restaurant then headed home at about ten pm. I was a senior in high school, about to graduate near the top of my class. Heading down a divided four lane road at 55 mph, I saw something ahead of me and slammed the brakes to try to stop. I collided with the rear of a motorcycle that had been stopped on the road. I was in shock and my memory is spotty. Two nurses… Read more »
Hi Natalie, thank you so much for sharing your story! I am so, so sorry about all the pain you’ve endured over the years- especially for something that so clearly wasn’t your fault. I think it’s so beautiful that you are pursuing the field that you are! I feel that those who’ve experienced such difficulties and tragedies are in the best position to help others that are suffering, as well. It’s not easy finishing up a degree years later- as I completed my associates at 48! But, when there’s a will- there’s a way🙂 take care and ‘Don’t give up… Read more »
Thank you, Bekah! I start school Monday. I’m so nervous.
Wow Natalie – You have been so amazing – so strong, genuine, and full-hearted. I am so thankful for your inspiring story of resilience. Yes, as we grow – as time passes – we can make connections that eluded our younger selves – thank you for the courage, bravery, and pure will – to keep at it – and inspire others with your determination. We are here for you – as I – and other Hyacinth members share your experience – often with overlap – and if we can be of any help whatsoever pop into a meeting or drop… Read more »
Thank you so much.
On October 3rd 1990 I killed a man. An elderly man who was just out getting some shopping. I was 18 and he was 83. At approximately 12:30 that day I was the driver of a van that belonged to the company I was working for at the time. In the van along with me was a coworker. We had left the job we were working on just a couple of minutes previously (slightly earlier than we should have I have to add) and we were driving home to get our lunch. I would drop my coworker off at his… Read more »
Hey there Robert, thank you so much for sharing your story. It is essential that people hear how common situations like yours, and mine are. Yes, I am also in accidental killer, and so I know a little bit about the shame and grief that you are feeling. Well, we never fully recover from these things, time and talking about it are two proven, efficacious, strategies. Have had a counselor in the past, it may be helpful. See one now, knowing that, you don’t need to settle for the first one you find, but wait until you find someone that’s… Read more »
Chris. Thank you so much for reading my message. I apologise if it was rambling. I also really appreciate you posting a reply. I feel that by talking about it helps me a lot. Thank you for allowing me to share.
Aw, thanks Robert – you are welcome here!
Hi, I am the adult daughter of an elderly CADI and working through the myriad of emotions. Asking if anyone has resource for Cantonese speakers who have some experience on this. This is ripping us apart and we are still looking for help. We have a therapist now but she is not the right fit. Also Looking for a support group for family members to learn how to empathize and support her healing. She is 3 months post accident and wants to die. I think there was a reason she was spared although the accident and fatalities were horrific. Thank… Read more »
Janice – thank you so much for writing! What your loved one has gone through is as tragic as it is common – and I hope you’ll continue to access THF for all it’s worth. We don’t currently offer Cantonese resources – but perhaps someone reading this may be able to help. Do feel free to get as involved as you’d like with our monthly support group and peer support initiative. And, like dating, finding the right partner is not easy – keep at it regarding a counselor for your parent! Again thanks for writing, we are praying for you… Read more »
I hit a person with my car and she died. I was on my way home about noon I live in the country with narrow winding hilly roads with no shoulders. As I came around a curve that has a steep hill on the left and a drop off on the right the person ran across the road and the person was hit and went down the hill. I was not charged with anything and police investigation showed my speed at 35 as posted snd my car was in excellent condition. I was not distracted. Because the person died and… Read more »
Hi Joyce – Thank you so much for writing and revealing, so candidly, your feelings. If you have not already, please seek out a counselor. What helps us through these events is often a combination of time and talk. And counselors are seasoned at the latter! If you aren’t connecting with your counselor, don’t be afraid to find another. You deserve to get better and a counselor can often provide tools to battle these thoughts and emotions. Do pop into our monthly support meetings – and feel free to get involved in our other initiatives – things can get better… Read more »
Thanks Chris, I have a therapist and seems like I make progress then something happens that sets me back. Therapist is great it’s outside situation Opening the rabbit hole. Will definitely seek out the monthly meetings. Don’t think I have found the tiimes and place. Joyce
Joyce
i am the adult daughter of a CADI. I would like to reach out as I am supporting my mother in her healing. Her occurrence also happened in March. This Hyacinth group has been a huge blessing. Just knowing we are not alone. I am adding you to my prayers and also sending my email in hopes we can help each other. My mother is not fluent in English, so I’ve translated a lot of what I am learning from this resource.
I was 18 years old in 1978 and I was driving my high school sweetheart and I back home at 1am after working a double shift together at a local restaurant on Long Island. The road was dark and curvy and I must not have been paying close enough attention because I went off the road and hit a telephone pole on the passenger side. The car was ripped open and she was thrown out and killed instantly. To say I was devasted and felt completely responsible would be an understatement. Filled with self-loathing and personal doubts, it took me… Read more »
Hi Gregg –
Thank you so much for this thoughtful post – what a tragedy you’ve been through and I’m inspired to hear how you’ve been able to move on productively and with moments of joy in your life!
Do stay in touch with us Gregg – we could use your positivity and good nature here.
Chris+
I work in healthcare. There was a case I was involved in ten years ago that I still think about every single day of my life. My patient was not doing well after an intervention. I stayed over my shift trying to problem solve and troubleshoot. After trying everything I knew to try, I finally handed report over to the next shift, informed the physician of the situation, and clocked out. After my commute and a shower, I called in to check on the patient. She had died. I immediately lost all control of my emotions. I began replaying the… Read more »
Hi Diane – Thanks so much for posting here – What you’re battling, is not stupid or small. The guilt, pain, and shame you feel is all too real – and it appears to have had huge consequences on your overall health. I am so sorry this is such a big battle. Intrusive thoughts of this nature are never idiotic – but they are illogical. I am guessing you’ve sought professional help here, and if not, do so, knowing that finding a good counselor is a bit like finding a spouse: it usually takes more than one date. So don’t… Read more »
My son (35 yo) was driving in a big truck in the rain at 5 am in the morning. He passed a vehicle in the passing zone going 50 mph in a 75 mph zone. As he was passing, a car that was passing in the other directions passing zone suddenly appeared. My son drove to the shoulder. Unfortunately so did the other car. It was purely 2 vehicles in the wrong place at the same time. They hit head-on. Being in a big truck, he actually drove over the other small vehicle, it burst into flames. There was a… Read more »
Hi Tracey – I am so sorry to hear this – what a tragedy for all involved. When the injuring party reaches out to those to whom they have injured it is best to start with an intermediary. Perhaps your lawyer or a clergy person, can make overtures to the injured party for you and get some sort of sense of their receptivity to any message from you. Please realize that any contact you make has the potential to further pain the injured party, something I’m sure you don’t want. You don’t want to alleviate your pain at the expense… Read more »
I killed one of my best friend by accident shotting her in 1995 Argentina. We were 15 y/o and the gun´s owner was her boyfriend who lied to me about the gun being a toy. I still suffer nightmares, panic attacks and lot of guilt. I´m 44 and I´m figure it out how to live with this pain and shame. All my love for you guys, hug you in distance. GRACIAS.
Gabriela –
Thank you so much for sharing this – you remind us of the frequency of this – once every 18min here in the U-S. We always recommend therapy – talk and time are the best combinations here.
Hugs right back at you.
Chris+
My accident was 38 years ago. I was speeding at 4am on a clear dry road when a pedestrian ran out from behind a sheltered bus stop. Because of the Advertisement panel we did not see each other, I hit him and he died. This was 100% my fault. I was arrested and charged with dangerous driving causing death. I got 3 years probation and lost my license for a year. The Judge said he has never seen anyone with so much remorse and that there is no need to punish this man – he is going to do it… Read more »
Thank you so much for sharing your brave, difficult and amazing story!! I was very moved, and I have no doubt that your story will help others.
Wow Colin-
Thanks so much for this – you are amazing.
These stories, the pain we experience and read about still makes my stomach sink. It’s been almost a year now. A year since the worst day of my life. A year since I accidentally took a young girls life. A year of not knowing if I also took a young boys life. Many questions arise with my accident, some still no one has answers to. What I do know is that I was driving in the middle of the night, on a dark back road, as I blinked I watched a little girls life flash before her eyes, as I… Read more »
Hi Alyssa –
Thank you so much for posting.
I am so sorry for your pain. You sound like such a good person. They say that the amount of our sorrow equates with the bigness of our hearts.
Please know that as you go through this you are not alone. I have also accidentally killed someone – and understand the pain you are feeling. Please know that my prayers – our prayers as an organization – are with you as you navigate your years.
Again, thanks,
Chris+
I was driving home from refereeing a soccer game( still dressed in my ref gear). Did not see 2 people crossing the road (not in a crosswalk) I hit both of them and got out of my car to see them both getting cpr and I just passed out. This was just under 2 years ago had to plea guilty to vehicular homicide and got 5 years probation and 200 hours of community service. The day after my conviction they put up a crosswalk. I have been on the road for work for over 30 years and never had an… Read more »
Stuart – I think we all agree that there is so much that is unfair about how accidental deaths are dealt with in our society. I’m sorry for you. I wish could do more for you than to say “breathe,” and do so intentionally. I have found that deliberate “box breathing” or “4square breathing” helps me to manage the times I become overwhelmed by guilt, shock, and sadness. If professional counseling is available to you I urge you to get it.
Stuart- What a sad story – what a tragedy for you and all concerned – I am so sorry. I’m sure I’m not the first to recommend counseling to you. Heavy burdens are best shared. If you haven’t done it – or have quit – don’t be discouraged – because the world needs you healthy. You are not done yet. You are greater than your worst episode. It need not define you. Do take advantages of the resources on this site and know that you are not alone in your suffering – nor in your ability to get through this.… Read more »
I’m not ready to share my story yet. But yes yes yes unfortunately I understand these feelings. A rollercoaster of survivors guilt and remorse and Shame all rolled into one . It’s been 17 or 18 years and I still feel my stomach churn. I have gone thru so much therapy that there seems to me to be nothing left to mend. I’m simply broken
Hi Tammy. I feel that the best thing about sharing these stories with each other is to know that we are not alone with these feelings. I don’t know anyone else who has been through something like this, but of course, if they have, they probably don’t talk about it. My accident was many years ago and I still feel guilt and shame. I have found that the right therapist can help though. I have also found that helping people also helps me get out of my own head and focus on others. I try to stay busy, I work… Read more »
Hi Tammy –
Thank you so much for reaching out here – your resilience and determination to go on are stunningly inspirational.
We are here when you’re ready. You’re an invaluable and irreplaceable soul, given life and purpose to channel benevolence into the world. Thanks for doing so.
I was driving down a dark 4 lane road coming home from work. The road is unlit and no lighting from anywhere, I encountered a big tall truck with pircercing led lights shined down right into my small car, I could not see a thing. And when he passed I was blinded for about 2-3 seconds. I immediately looked to right curb lane for relief from on coming traffic. I saw only darkness in front and behind. I moved over quickly and when I looked back there was the small red light Of a cycle right in front of me… Read more »
Hi John –
What a heart-wrenching story – thank you so much for sharing it. As someone who has accidentally killed, I get it – and I feel so much the same regarding self-blame and remorse.
Do continue your work – of claiming your place as someone who has done something bad but is not bad. You are more than the worst event you’ve participated in.
Do connect with us more deeply if it can help – so glad you reached out.
I was heading home from my mom’s house at 1:30am July 29th, 2023, and was going up a one way bridge I always take to get to my apartment. It’s not a straight bridge you go up then straight then you go down and around a curve. As i was coming around the curve out of nowhere I saw a flash of a guy on a motorcycle and I saw his shocked face right before he hit me. He was going the wrong way down the one way road. I instinctively put my car in park took my seatbelt off… Read more »
Hi Hannah – What a horrible event. I am so sorry for you and all involved. First off, I do hope you are seeing a counselor, talk and time are the two proven components to arriving at a place of healthy coping. Second, I do hope you are perusing this website to find things that may appeal to you regarding your ongoing support. As someone who has caused accidental death myself I understand a bit of what you are going through and want you to know you are not alone: this happens every 18 minutes in the U.S. and the… Read more »
May 29, 2021. It started out so normal. I got a call from dispatch that they had a couple loads for me. I get in my Peterbilt, drive to the rental yard, load the machine for delivery and drive to the first site. It goes off without a hitch. I load another machine and head off to the second. I was driving down a two lane highway, and I see a Dodge pickup with a welding bed come at me at a high rate of speed. I see him sideswipe the truck in front of me. He goes into a… Read more »
Hey Andy – Thanks so much for sharing this story – it’s the heartbreaking, soul-crushing reality of the transportation world we live in.
I hope you’re getting therapy – you’ve been incredibly traumatized and God bless you for your dedication to your profession.
Please peruse our site and take advantage of any of our offerings. Let us know if there’s anything further we can do to help. We’re here – I’m here – because we’ve gone through the same thing – and know that we can make it through.
Chris+
A week ago exactly, I was driving home with my dog in the car after picking up dinner. I was driving down an intersection less than half a mile from my house, and was turning left on a green light. Out of nowhere it seemed like a man appeared right in front of my car. I braked, but it was too late. The officers stated that I had followed all the rules, drove under the speed limit, called 911, but I still cannot get the image of the incident out of my head. They called me the next day to… Read more »
Hey Harshini – Thanks so much for reaching out – and please know you are not alone! I am hoping you’ve contacted and are seeing a therapist. Many of the question you ask and feelings you’re experiencing are best to share with a trained professional. However we are here! And I’m so happy you’ve reached out. You’ve been through perhaps the worst incident in your life and you need to know that most of us do fine a way through it. Notice I didn’t say ‘over’ it – because it’s like a severe wound with a permanent scar. Do peruse… Read more »
My husband accidentally ran over and killed a young woman. It was not his fault. He’s been trying to find counseling but everything he’s tried they want to go back to his days in Vietnam. What he needs is help with this most recent trauma, not 50 years ago! He thinks he’s fine but he’s not. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Donna- What a terrific wife you are – thank you for your compassion and assertiveness here. By all means, find a counselor. Trauma like this is like buried toxic waste – sometimes it takes 5 months, sometimes 50 years. But in every case, let’s let the experts handle it. Do peruse our site and find what looks good – and is appropriate for your husband. Of course he is welcome at our monthly fellowship meetings – and we do offer ‘Peer Support’ if you think that would be helpful – look around the site and see. And know that… Read more »
I found this website after reading the book Accidental by David Peters. It was super helpful. I read it in two days. One year ago I was involved in a fatal crash. I was turning left on a blinking yellow light. Suddenly my car was stopped with a bang, the airbag had deployed and my passenger said a motorcyclist had hit me. I went to him, he was laying motionless in the street. I began chest compressions as best I could. I couldn’t get his helmet off and he had a protective vest on. 911 operator told me to straighten… Read more »
Hi Susie – Thank you so much for writing! And I am so sorry you’ve had to go through this. The reality is that you are not alone – we live in an accidental world and your trauma is shared (by me and) by millions of people. Do make sure and get a counselor to walk with you through this dark time. Do check out our resources here – we want to help as much as we can. And do the best you can to forgive yourself. We are here for you! Feel free to reach out in any way… Read more »
I agree, this is certainly a fallen world, marred by death and suffering all as a result of sin. Death is guaranteed for all of humanity as we read in Romans 6:23 and Hebrewes 9:27. We see that all are sinners and that none are good as we read in Romans 3:23 and Romans 3:10-12. Death is a consequence of sin and will be experienced by all at some point. Eternal death (eternal seperation from God in the lake of fire) will be experienced by those who die in their sin apart from Christ. The only hope man has in… Read more »
Did his motorcycle have aworking headlight?
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I was in a situation where a motorcycle was going the wrong way down the road and hit me head on coming around a curve at 1:30 am. He died on scene. I’m only 21 yrs old and am now traumatized for the rest of my life. My car was totaled. He had hit my windshield and flew over my car. I hope you can heal from this. Sending hugs to you.
I am so glad that I found this site. My grandson, 16 yrs old, accidentally shot and killed his 18 year old friend. He was arrested for Manslaughter but is out on bond. I can “feel” that he is having a hard time accepting what he did and I realize that he needs someone to talk with and that he may have a hard time discussing his feelings with his family. I will give him this site and hope that he will engage in conversation or at least put in words what he is going through emotionally. Please send me… Read more »
Hi Betty –
You are not alone here – so many good friends/family have been good advocates for their loved ones – like you.
Yes, go ahead and see that he gets counseling – he has been through more than he probably comprehends. And let us know what else we can do – as we have already responded via email!
Chris+
My name is Jay and I was in an accident on Thanksgiving of 2023. I was driving home with my girlfriend (passenger seat), my stepfather (back seat behind driver), sister (in between her dad and boyfriend), and my sister’s boyfriend (back seat behind front passenger side.) On the way home I fell asleep behind the wheel and my girlfriend noticed we were going towards incoming traffic. When she had alerted me I over corrected myself which lead us to swerve. I seen a ditch in front of us and I thought if I skim the edge of the ditch it… Read more »
Hi Jay! Thank you so much for stepping in here and sharing your story. You have been through so much – you have such relatable guilt and regret – both signs that you’re a decent human being and worthy of getting through this. I’m so glad to hear you’re getting therapy and have people around you who love and care for you. You have connected with a community that’s just like you. We’ve harmed seriously, or in my case, killed – all unintentionally. You are invited to not only peruse any relevant resources on our site – but please, do… Read more »
First, congratulations you got back in the car. Small steps, small victories. You are going to see that anger is shared among some of us. I hit my 8th month last week and my story is below, if you feel like reading it. I wish I could tell you that things are better for me right now but at the moment, I am a work in progress. You have a family who loves you and first and foremost, be grateful that everyone survived. Look at how many times you got in a car and got from point A to point… Read more »
I never knew this group existed, and still wish that were true. But Dec 13, 2023 was a day like any other, spent the day working and on my way home.- 8 pm and its pretty dark this time of day in the mid west I was driving home from work, down a road I have driven a million times. When suddenly a dark figure appeared directly in front of me. I slammed on the brakes, but couldn’t stop in time. I saw the vehicle hit the pedestrian and push them into the intersection. I immediately stopped and got out… Read more »
Hi Devin – Thank you so much for sharing your heart here- You are not alone in your struggle! You have found a group that ‘gets’ you – and I hope you will peruse the site and find what works for you. I also commend therapy. Telling a professional what you’re feeling – how you’re doing – etc – can be really helpful. Yes, holidays are tough. The guild, shame, regret… But please know – incidents like yours happen once every 18 minutes in the U-S. You are not the first nor the last who will go through this –… Read more »
Hi Devin, I was in basically a similar situation except that it was 3am I was on my way to work and there was zero visibility. None. See my story below. The what if’s are endless, aren’t they? Being part of this group is not how anyone wants to do things. Trust me, I am at the 8 month mark and all I could think about was how someone was spending their holiday with an empty chair. I wish I didn’t know exactly how you feel but I do. Please remember to keep remembering that you are here because you… Read more »
In my childbearing years, I experienced Big T-trauma and abuse, which started long before that as Little t-trauma growing up (Gabor Mate terms). I had a daughter and then gave birth to three more children in the traumatic conditions with a Vietnam combat Marine veteran. My children suffered greatly, each in their own way. My third born child suffered from addiction and depression and died in 2015 at the age of 38. My business is now helping people with grief, trauma, and loss. There is a short video about my story of loss in my website. In 2016, my grand… Read more »
Shanti –
Thank you for letting us know about your journey. You are a true survivor and I thank you for thinking of others in their pain. May your work of inspiring those who have been harmed in like manner prosper and grow!
Chris+
Has anyone here ever used EMDR therapy to process their guilt, shame, etc. I am seeing a trauma therapist who specializes in this practice of EMDR.
Hi Mary!
Thanks for reaching out.
I have not used EMDR but know that many of our members have. Please send an email to hyacinthfellowship@gmail.com and our office may be able to get you in touch with someone!
Praying for you.
Chris+
November 19, 2023. Just a few days ago I accidentally killed someone. I was driving the car, 2 of my friends were with me. I was driving along Maharlika Highway here in the Philippines, when I saw a motorcycle rider about the enter the highway, fell down and slid towards the car. I braked, but it was too late. I felt him go under the car. The car already stopped but he was still under there. I froze. My friends went outside to help. But I already heard people saying he’s dead. I stayed in the car, crying. Thinking that… Read more »
Hi Avah – Thank you so much for telling us your story – I am SO SORRY for what has happened! Your grief, care, concern, and sorrow are all so raw and real – and I can honestly say that for me – and many others in the Fellowship – we get it. We have done the same thing. You are in the initial stages of trauma – and do the best you can to surround yourself with supportive people. Receive their love and care for you. As the days go by and you can come to a place of… Read more »
I was in an accident where a motorcycle was going the wrong way down the road and hit me head on and died. I know how you feel. It was not your fault and you shouldn’t carry any guilt. Sending hugs.
Hello, I never wanted to be a part of this group. This happened 6 months ago. I am a travel worker and was re-routed by construction, didn’t know where I was in a huge city at 3 am and going to work and it was very very dark I was just going onto a freeway I had never been and just accelerated to freeway speed and out of nowhere a human being on foot became one with my vehicle. It all happened so fast that I didn’t know what happened. I pulled to the shoulder of a 5 lane highway… Read more »
Hi Lynn. I am a nurse also, and my heart goes out to you. My accident was many years ago, but I feel that I have some understanding of where you are coming from. I have also spent some time asking “why me?”, although the crash was my fault. I was 16 at the time. I do get so jealous of other people at times who do not have to wake up with this reality every day. However, after several years of trying to punish myself for what happened, I began the slow journey of healing that I feel never… Read more »
Thank you for responding!! I think its been hard for me because I had no one to go through it with, I am struggling particularly hard right now because I have been around a “trigger person” and my family wants me to be “the bigger person” because this person ” has issues” and its been a very challenging situation. I just wish I could part more details but waking up with this everyday is horrible because I wish this person was not a trigger for me or the situation in general. Im trying but its new and not having a… Read more »
Hi Lynn. I am so sorry this unfortunate accident happened to you. I was involved in a pedestrian accident myself 9 years ago, where an intoxicated male stepped in front of my car when I was coming home from dinner. I am so glad to hear you are trying to get the right help. I also was against medicine for years! I also believe when it comes to therapy it is a great start, as it took me years to also make that step. I am in the medical field as well, and trauma is something I see often with… Read more »
Thank you for responding!! Thank you for caring. I really appreciate it. I feel broken and it’s only been 7 months. I dont understand how to make sense of my “new trauma brain” and its incredibly frustrating. Does that get better? I literally threw trash into an empty dumpster like 3-4 months ago and the crash sound that it made incapacitated me for at least 3 hours and I was in bed unable to function. This is not how I want to live. I learned that I have to avoid these situations.
Thank you again.
Lynn, so many people care about you! Trust me I know what it feels like, and all the questions that go through your head. The worst part is we will never know why us..?? I do believe over time it gets better, and definitely by seeking the right therapy. This accident doesn’t define you as a person! You are more than welcome to email me if you’d like to chat. Brittanymichelle4349@yahoo.com
Lynn! So sorry to hear this – So glad you shared it. Yes, do seek therapy – in person is great. Do join our zoom group if you feel up to it – you can join anonymously – without showing name and video if you like – there’s no pressure – just our attempt to let you know loud and clear that you are not alone! You have been through a significant trauma here – a human life was lost – it hurts to hurt others. You can email us too – we can arrange for a phone conversation. Peruse… Read more »
when is the zoom meeting? I dont need to hide. I just need to talk to other people. Thank you.
Hi Lynn,
Our monthly Fellowship meetings are 3rd Sundays at 5p EST. Hope to see you soon.
Chris+
I didnt get the secure link and I thought I could just join…..
Hey there! Just email us ahead of time and we will email you a link! Use the contact tab to do so.
I recently found out that one of my dearest friends accidentally backed over her infant daughter in 1989. The baby did not survive. I have also experienced the loss of a child to a drowning accident and know how all consuming grief and GUILT are. I lost Jordan in 2000 but with God’s mercy, have healed and forgiven myself for not being there for my son when he needed me the most. My question for you all is… how do I help my friend forgive herself and learn to LIVE again?? She is the most wonderful person and deserves to… Read more »
Hi Rhonda – It is so heartwarming that you have such love and concern for your friend! She is so lucky to have you! There are three things you can do: 1) Validate her feelings. She is rightfully stricken to the core over this – others may brush it off ‘It was an accident, get over it’ – kind of attitude – this does not help. She needs affirmation that her feelings are valid – do this. 2) she needs to know she is cared about/liked/loved – communicate this to her at all times. You can’t send enough cards, texts,… Read more »
I made this post on the “anniversary” and in a mix up it got deleted. While it is quite long, I decided to re-post and leave it as is. While it is quite lengthy, I didn’t want to change it as it was extremely cathartic. If you read it all, thank you for taking the time. It’s been 20 years today. On 10/24/2003 mine and so many other’s lives changed forever. To say these last 20 years has been hard living with the guilt is an enormous understatement. When it happened I didn’t even know or understand what was going… Read more »
Hi Friend-
You have been through much. Be good to yourself.
One of the drawbacks of being a healthy, well-adusted human is that we hurt when we hurt. Your pain is a sign you care.
You are doing the right thing when you seek therapy and reach out to caring people, like you’ve done here. You are so much more than your worst mistake.
I hope the recounting and the posting of this tragic event helps give you clarity – and that you are worthy!
Chris+
Hi. I am now sobbing at your pain because I can only tell you I can identify with it. I read your entire post. Mine just happened 6 months ago. Mine unfortunately has same ending but different circumstances. Im not ok. Heres the difference, I just graduated from Psych Nurse PRactitioner school and Im supposed to help others. I wish I had some words of wisdom. I can tell you its not just the trauma, its the very very very hurtful stuff that people say after the trauma. I will post my story. Please know I am not judging you… Read more »
Hi Lynne, thank you for reading my story and responding. I also read your story above. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m glad you have decided to embrace medication. I hope it has helped.. Im so sorry the people in your life have been so hurtful and insensitive. I (thankfully) cannot relate to that. I wish I had some words of wisdom in regards to that, because of course that just makes the guilt and pain so much worse. PLEASE seek a therapist if you haven’t already. They may be able to help you through that aspect of… Read more »
Thank you for reaching out! Im working on not letting this define me and its shocking to me how little support there is for “us” and more so Im going through trying to grow my skin by the insensitivity of others. I tell people who know me, “you know where my bar is for a bad day” and other things. I refer to it as “the incident”. etc. Im trying to come to grips with it but I have to remind myself not to get angry with myself when I cant think of a “regular” word….Its supremely helpful and upsetting… Read more »
Hi! I am sorry for my grammatical mistakes. English are not my first language. My terrible story occurs one month before. It was morning and i was going to work when i hit with my car a pedestrian in a road turn when i could not see her in time. Yesterday the police officer called me and say that the woman died. I am feeling awful. I feel like i should not continue my life cause i dont diserve it. I am going on a psychologist but I don’t think that it has helped my feelings. I search all the… Read more »
Hi Nina. I also just found this organization and felt that sense of liberation. It’s like on one hand you wouldn’t want anyone else to go through what you’re going through. On the other hand knowing there are others, and there’s actually a place to come together, is a strange but very real relief. All I can say is please continue the therapy. I know you say it hasn’t helped, but it can and will, it just takes some time. Also if you read through some of the comments here by Chris he says multiple times that you must have… Read more »
Thanks you dor your kind words. My people is the only reason why I try to deal with this. Otherwise I would have end my life. The pain is getting worse everyday. I simply can’t find a reason to be happy again. I hope one day to be able. Thanks again for your words. You make me cry knowing that someone cares to make me feel better. I hope you are ok and blessed. Thank you again ❤️❤️
Hi Nina – I’m so happy to hear this very kind response. You are a very special, caring person. This is one reason the pain is so intense – were you a serial killer and not bothered when you cause harm, you would not be experiencing the pain you describe. But you are a precious, fragile soul – thus your intense pain. This, of course, does not lessen he pain, but understanding it can make it easier to carry. Do keep lifting up the people and purposes you have in your life as a way to stay alive. And –… Read more »
Hi Nina! Thank you so much for reaching out with your story! Indeed, you are not alone here. 82 people accidentally kill someone – like you. And many of them are here – to form a group of support that is here for you. I am so happy you have a therapist. If he/she is not able to help properly, go find another. Therapy is a lot like finding a spouse – it often takes a bit of dating around. Therapists know this and are not offended. They will also tell you that the number one factor in making progress… Read more »
Thank you very much. I’m looking forward for the meetings. I hope to be able to participate. Thanks for your kind words. The pain now seems devastating. I really hope to get better in time cause I could not be able to live with this for the rest of my life. Thanks again!
Hi Nina, I just want to applaud you for sharing your story. About a year and a half ago I was in that same deep hole you find yourself now. The one where smiling even feels like it’s wrong. The one where it feels like you’ll never deserve happiness but I am here to tell you that you do and as much as I hate to say it you just have to give it time and you have to seek help. I ended up turning to an IOP program who’s focus was group therapy, individual therapy and much more. I… Read more »
Thank you, Sandra for you kind words. It feels good to know that someone can understand your pain. I don’t know how to reach out in blog but I would really like to have someone to talk. Thank you again for your kind words. I hope you have great time!!
Hi Nina, I’m writing to let you know that I had a very similar accident January of this year and have experienced an unbelievable amount of sadness, guilt and every emotion over the sun. It’s been the worst year of my life, but I want you to know that I’m feeling better now 10 months later and I do truly feel there is hope for you! I’ve seen a trauma therapist since February and she has been very helpful. I suggest finding a trauma specific therapist as they will know what you’re going through and can provide helpful guidance. I… Read more »
Nina, Please do not hurt yourself. I am certain that many people love you and you would cause them significant pain. Adding to the pain is not the answer. You are not alone. If you look at how many people this happens to, it happens more often than you think. As awful as all of this is, its comforting knowing that we are not alone. I have spent 6 months looking for other people to talk to and Im in a major metropolitan area. The VA denied me help. It seemed everywhere I turned there was nothing for me. I… Read more »
Thank you Lynn for your kind words. I am trying to think positive. I have decide to trust my therapist. I hope you are better and have people to talk about it. I hope someday this wont be taboo to talk about it. We also need help.
Almost 4 years ago now, I was driving home from the supermarket with my children. It was dark and I didn’t see an elderly pedestrian who was crossing the road until it was too late to stop. Two weeks later the police came to tell me she had died in the hospital. I used to be a hospice nurse and I am still so devastated to have caused another family such suffering. I got an 18 month driving ban and community service order, I got my licence back last year, but find it so hard to get behind the steering… Read more »
Hi Miranda – I can only imagine the difficulty you face having to drive following such a harrowing experience! I am so sorry for your pain. Having to live with such a fatal mistake is usually made easier with psychotherapy – so if you haven’t availed yourself to that yet I recommend that. Most people respond to opportunities to talk about or listen to those who have done the same thing – which is why this blog and website are here. Do take advantage of our offerings in ways that are comfortable to you. Harm like this is such a… Read more »
Hi Miranda
I am so sorry to hear about your accident. I want you to know you’re not alone! I had a similar accident 9 years ago, that I know I will always carry with me. One things I’ve learned over the years is that bad things happen to good people unfortunately. Because a horrific tragedy happened to us, doesn’t mean we’re bad people. Id love to connect with you, and share our stories. Take care!
Brittany
My car unintentionally accelerated in reverse, while backing up to pick up flowers at a small, family owned garden center. The break did not respond, and my car ran into the small cashier stand, killing the woman running the garden center, and injuring a child and her dad. The woman left behind her mom, dad, 4 sisters, brother, new husband, stepchildren, and was beloved in her town.
Heartbreaking! I was unanle to show that it was sudden acceleration, pleading guilty to negligent homicide.
I am devastated for this family!
Hi Janet – Thank you so much for posting this! As you know, your story is not unique – as once every 18 minutes someone is killed unintentionally in the U.S. – and many times that number are seriously harmed – causing many of us to feel exactly as you do. I am so sorry for your pain and want you to know you are not alone. I am guessing you have heard the advice to seek a therapist. This is key! You have suffered serious trauma and getting back to center is a weighty task. I hope you’re able… Read more »
Two weeks ago I was driving through eastern New Mexico. I turned left and was broadsided on the passenger side by a motorcyclist coming from the opposite direction. He was not wearing a helmet or leathers and his motorcycle did not have a headlamp. I did not see him until he hit me. He died while being transported by ambulance. The police are conducting an investigation. I have no idea what my level of culpability is or will be determined to be. My partner, who was with me at the time (I was driving his car), has been wonderful and… Read more »
Dear Jane – What a horrible event! I am so sorry for you and your partner! You are doing the right thing out of the gate: getting therapy! This kind of wound tends to be analogous to a physical injury: it will likely get better with time though the scars will always be with you. The kinds of support we offer are outlined elsewhere in the site – under the Support tab – and I invite you to become involved as much as you’d like. Regarding your question – this is a unique event you are sharing with your partner… Read more »
Im just thinking about you. Wanted you to know.
I’ve sat here and tried to write something profound or intelligent and keep erasing every line.
So I’ll just say that I am happy to find a community that I will hopefully feel comfortable enough to share my story with at some point. It’s been 20 years for me.
I’m thankful to have finally found this avenue to help facilitate my own ongoing healing and to possibly help others who have walked in these lonely shoes of mine.
Christine! Thank you for sitting through the awkward silence and posting this. It doesn’t matter if it was 20 days or 20 years – we’re wired to feel this pain. And when it’s something as irreversible as death – well, it won’t go away. But yes, Christine, you have found a wonderfully caring and loving community to come alongside you – reminding you that there is hope – there is a modicum of healing – and yes, to use the overused phrase, it gets better. Do make yourself available to the resources and opportunities for growth found on this site… Read more »
Hi my name is Lora. I’ve been married to such a great and genuine soul for about 10 years. My husband is selfless. He is kind hearted. He is amazing. My husband is afflicted. When my husband was 15 he was in his room with his best friend (16) enjoying a night of video game play. We are southerners. It’s normal for southern children to have weapons but not usually have unlimited access to them. However my husband was failed and was allowed to have a pistol LOADED in his room. On the tragic night he and his best friend… Read more »
Hi Lora – Your post is as alarming as it is tragic. Please do all you can to hook him up with a therapist, a clergy person, even us – to help him break this wicked cycle of self-blame and self-harm (yes, alcoholism/binging is self-harm!). I am so inspired by your faithfulness and care for your husband – and the wisdom you have to look beyond his cutting words – and see the pain that’s motivating him, Good on YOU for seeking his health and well-being! He needs serious help and I trust you are doing all in your power… Read more »
Haunted? My accident was July 14th, 1998 So we’re coming up on the 25th anniversary. Seems crazy that it was that long ago. I have been struggling as of late, not so much with guilt, but the feeling that I never really dealt with what happened. A month after my accident I returned to work as a way to “keep my mind occupied”. 3 months later I was charged with Vehicular Manslaughter, and ultimately pled no contest. Received 3 years of summary probation (basically, stay out of trouble). My life basically carried on as normal, and I kept working. Had… Read more »
Hi Byron – I heard a story recently about a chemical company that, in the 1930’s, had generated toxic waste. Instead of disposing of it as the law required, the company cut corners. Years later, people around the disposal site began to come down with unexplained illnesses and diseases. Some people actually died. This was traced to the water, and to the buried toxic waste that had started leaking. When we fail to deal with the toxic things in our lives in an appropriate manner, we cannot be surprised that it eventually leaks out and causes problems – sometimes even… Read more »
What to do on the anniversary? It’s 12 years today. Every year on this day I avoid making plans, and tend to withhold good things from myself. Some kind of penitence, I guess. I never know what to do. If feels wrong to enjoy things today. On most days, I try to avoid falling down the rabbit hole of my experience. Of course, it persists: in the back of my mind, in shadows of nothing on sidewalks and 2-lane highways, in news headlines and street-side memorials and movie plot twists. But I try not to let it take over. But… Read more »
Hey There – I am so glad you posted this! So many of us have the EXACT SAME THOUGHTS – and you’re the first person in a long time to really hit this nail on the head. The truth is, if we’re decent humans, feelings of guilt and shame are harmful – we hurt. We hurt for our victims, we hurt in our frustration at not forgiving ourselves, we hurt in our inability to find some way to mark these anniversaries that are not painful. And this pain is a result of the goodness of our humanity. Only well-meaning, thoughtful,… Read more »
I’m not sure how to heal. In 2020 I was involved in a car crash that killed a girl who was a year younger than me. I had glanced away from the roadway and ended up crashing into her on the interstate. When I went to the hospital they did a tox screen the night before I had used and it was in my system still so I was arrested on OWI causing death, currently on house arrest while I wait for plea deal or trial date. Mentally it has been really hard on me, for the first year after… Read more »
Hi Jessi – Thank you so much for your post! Yes, welcome to a club no one wants to belong to… you have found many people like you (and me) here. I always, first suggest, psychotherapy. These folks are trained to assist in this manner – most of them – you may have to try more than one therapist – most of us have – before you find one with whom you can really connect. Don’t be discouraged. The biggest predictor of success with a therapist is the degree with which you connect. I would also sign up to come… Read more »
I have been aware of this organization for several years, but have been hesitant to share my story. One reason for this is that my accident happened almost 39 years ago in June of 1984 and I did not want to scare anyone into thinking that whatever happened will, in fact, effect them for the rest of life. I have certainly gone through many “stages” of healing and truly believe that keeping the lessons close to heart have made my overall living comfortable, peacefull and dare I say, fullfilled, even though most of these effects are internal and spiritual. I… Read more »
Hi Cliff –
Your carrying this for so long is indicative of the wonderful heart you have.
I wish you peace and solace as the journey continues. Do let us know if we can help in any way we can.
Thank you for being so brave to share.
Chris+
I was in an accident 8 years ago at the age of 19 where a homeless heavily intoxicated man stepped in front of my vehicle and was never seen until he was going through my windshield. Later to find out the man passed away a few days later in the hospital. I was told over and over again that this accident wasn’t my fault and the man passed away from alcohol withdrawals due to being a heavy alcoholic. This accident has completely changed my life and is something I think about daily. It has made me think so negatively about… Read more »
Hi Brittany. I hope you’re doing ok. I know all about the what-ifs, BELIEVE me. It’s been 20 years and even still to this day I think about those what-ifs; especially on the “anniversary” which for me just passed. I hope you have been able to seek some therapy. I suffered greatly for 10 years before I finally sought some help. And help it did. Of course my life will never be the same, but time and therapy does make it easier. I’m actually at the point now where I need to go back. I haven’t gone in some time,… Read more »
Hi Deana! Thank you so much for the kind words. I have seeked therapy in the past, but it has been awhile. I believe that’s one of the hardest parts, trying to find one to connect with. Unfortunately my anniversary just passed as well on 10/25. I believe it definitely hits even harder around that time. I hope you are doing okay, and I’m here if you’d ever like to connect. Stay strong 😊
Brittany, Im so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story. I cant imagine getting that phone call. The last thing you want to hear is, “it wasnt your fault”…..because it doesnt change what goes on in your mind and body. I have heard that one before and its useless. Everyone who is on this site….can attest to that fact. Im hoping that I can become mostly functioning human being again. I believe in progress not perfection. Reading each of these posts and knowing that I am not alone has helped tremendously. My analogy is this….once someone has open heart surgery… Read more »
Brittany, its bittersweet relations but I find myself with a similar accident. A man with meth and fentanyl (toxicology report) carrying a puppy (unleashed) crossing over two lanes with the man’s friend directly standing to the left of me… unintentionally died as he impacted my vehicle. He didn’t pass away immediately and was able to donate his kidneys due to life-saving efforts. The family contacts me and wants to me to move forward and recognizes their family members role. I would like to connect if possible.
I was in an accident where a pedestrian was killed. I wasnt at fault but I think that makes it worse. If I had done something wrong, I could avoid doing that thing moving forward. I dont have that. Also, I find myself afraid of everything! Im staying home more and more because going outside is just always so much. Its a lot to wade through. I feel myself falling into a deep depression and lying to myself about having it under control. I’m a mess.
Hi Jamie –
Thank you for sharing this – I can only imagine your pain and I’m really sorry.
If you haven’t already, do seek out a therapist. We humans are not programmed to hurt members of our own species with impunity. The thoughts and feelings you are experiencing are totally normal and it is your body’s natural response.
Do go ahead and peruse our site – even come to a Fellowship meeting – there is a way through this. You are not your accident. You can find a way to cope in a healthy and life-giving way!
Chris+