If you have caused unintentional harm, or if you are trying to help someone who has, you can find support and encouragement here. Click below and join the conversation. Tell us your story, ask a question, or offer your advice and guidance – we want to hear from you!
In 2022 i hit a cyclist, it was dark i was on my way home from work. I was arrested and the investigation began now im at the point where the police have found it as an accident. 3 years on im waiting to attend and inquest, after having 9 months of investigation and a further year of and appeal which found it as an accident. Im dreading this as i will have to face the family. The cyclist had no lights and no high vis on. How am i going to cope with this? Im trying my best but… Read more »
Laura – Thank you so much for reaching out! What an ordeal – and I am so sorry for you. You have reached a community that ‘gets’ you – I have accidentally killed someone as well and gone through legal proceedings as well – as have much of the rest of our Fellowship. Make no bones about it, this is hard. For many of us it’s the hardest thing we’ve ever had to deal with in our lives. That said: you are doing the right things. Therapy and the advice of professionals is the best place to start. It’s also… Read more »
My wife died due to my inaction. This happened only 2 months ago in Febuary (snowy) in Wisconsin. My wife and I took our children sledding on Sunday. It was a great family day out and about – The perfect weekend day! On Monday everything was normal. I went to work and she went to paint a house we owned 30 minutes away. At dinner that night she said she was feeling run down and was tired and wanted to go to bed early. We ended up going to bed at 8pm Monday Night. Tuesday morning I left for work… Read more »
Hi Adam – Oh my goodness. I am so sorry for you and your loss. I can’t imagine how devastated you are and I am hoping you are arranging for counseling. You are in the throes of trauma, and the number one job ahead of you is getting control over it – which a psychotherapist can help you do, in most cases, faster. Second guessing our steps is common – we all ‘should’ on ourselves. You are in contact with a group of people, like me, who have accidentally killed others. So you are safe here, you are among friends.… Read more »
Hello, My name is Thant Sin and I’m 20 years old living in Myanmar. We, in myanmar, are celebrating Thingyan water festival in which people pour water on one another in hopes of cleaning one’s wrongdoings in the past year. Me and my 3 friends were visiting Mawlamyine and having fun going around the city getting poured by water tho we are not in any way intoxicated. Then at 6 p.m we stopped and we went back to our town which is like 42 miles away. The road is dark and I was doing 70 to 90 in sparsely populated… Read more »
Dear Thant – Thank you so much for taking the time to write! Your story is so heartbreaking and sad, unfortunately, it’s like so many of our stories. Like you, I have accidentally killed somebody. Remember that the pain you are feeling, the emotional distress, is a direct correlation to the amount of love and care you have in your heart. I hope you’re able to find a therapist with whom you can talk. A combination of time and conversation is the best recipe we have for helping you cope with what you’ve done. The good news is that most… Read more »
Hello , I recently made a career change which would be better for myself and my family. I’m a truck driver swapping out trailers for a cold foods company. Going on 3 months with the company. I work overnights which I enjoy. My dispatch called me a couple days prior to my start of the week asking if I’d be willing to work the morning shift since my route was canceled for the night. I said yes of course. It was supposed to be an easy morning . Just routine drop a trailer off and come back .About an hour… Read more »
Hi Frank – I am so sorry. What a traumatic experience to witness this. Please know that you are writing to a community that truly ‘gets’ you – for like you, most of us, myself included, have done the same thing. It’s important to note that the more compassionate we are, the more likely we are to feel guilty, ashamed, and responsible for something that really isn’t our fault at all. However, there is no one who can talk you into this – it may take time and therapy for you to get there. Certainly see a therapist – can… Read more »
Bodhisattva Vow (from Pema Chodron and ChatGPT) ~This brought me some comfort in my grief today so I wanted to share it with this precious community. I am so grateful for Hyacinth (and for all of you) every day. 💕🪻 For someone walking through the fire of guilt, grief, unbearable loss… and still whispering: “May I serve.” This vow is not for saints. It is for the broken-hearted. It is for you — The Bodhisattva Vow for Those Who’ve Caused Harm > Even though I have caused pain— even though my hands are not clean— I vow to stay. >… Read more »
Beautiful!
I killed someone. I think taking responsibility for it has been the easiest part. No part of me needed to wrap my hand around it. It’s a fact. Even though I did not make any conscious decisions that lead to her death, I still am a causing factor. I thought that was going to be the hardest thing to deal with after this. But it’s really the simplest fact. I set in motion a person’s death. I think people still expect me to process things the same way even though I am the world record holder for the longest series… Read more »
sending you love and care Leo, post-traumatic growth like going back to school is a courageous thing!
Leo L.D. Thank you so much for writing to us! It takes a lot of courage to put into words, and you deserve. Thanks for taking this step. The road ahead of you would likely be easier, if you were able to consult a trained therapist. You have been traumatized, perhaps, in many ways, and going through this part of the journey alone is very difficult. As someone who has done what you’ve done, I can somewhat relate to what you were going through, and I can tell you, for sure, that a therapist might be your best investment. More… Read more »
Hi, My accident was a few months ago.. It still feels like yesterday. I dont think im able to share just yet, But i really need to know from peoples experience, How many have gone to jail? I’m so scared about that, and its just another thing to haunt me and more potential trauma thats freaking me out already.. my accident wasn’t my fault in my eyes and my friends and family’s eyes, Something has gone terribly wrong for it to happen. But as a result it has caused a horrific accident leaving multiple people dead. Do you think i… Read more »
Hi There Tim – I am not in Australia – but want you to know you are not alone at all. I would say a minority of us have gone to jail – but that’s not scientific, just anecdotal. Regardless of where you go, you certainly bear the marks of one who has been traumatized. And I am so sorry for what has happened. Are you seeing a therapist? Talking this over with someone trained is extremely important and I hope you are doing this or plan to. Also, do pay attention to this website – it’s chock full of… Read more »
Hey Chris, Thank you or the kind words. Iv only just started seeing a phycologist as they were all booked out in my area for quite some time, Which wasn’t ideal. She’s mentioned E.M.D.R therapy, apparently is really good for trauma? Its good to know there is somewhere to talk to people going through similar stuff.. Although i will say i feel like i cant share my story mainly due to the worry that someone involved in my accident may be on here also, And i would hate to trigger them or say anything that might not sit with them… Read more »
Hi There –
Yes, EMDR has been good for some people.
Also, because of the wealth of people available online – if you can’t find anyone in person, I would not close off tele-health at all.
You don’t want to get into an echo chamber with just yourself – a trained therapist can guide and ground you.
You are better than your worst mistake – you can get better –
Thanks again for sharing your story! And I hope to see you soon at one of our meetings if you choose to attend.
Chris+
Hi Tim I am in Australia. Like you my incident happened a few months ago. I was involved in a traffic accident and my actions caused unintended deah to someone. Even so up to this time I was not charged with it. I only known this group since January. I managed to go to their latest zoom meeting. Most of the people on it were from the USA but even so I found it informative, and see there are people there that been through what we had been through. I highly recommend you to join if you have not done… Read more »
I am angry. When I was 18 (two years ago), about three months into having my license my car hydroplaned on a hairpin turn, and I was in a head on collision with a car in the opposite lane. Everyone walked from the scene just fine and it was ruled an accident. The following week the news was broken to me that someone in the car passed away from related and unrelated injuries. I spent over a year in court proceedings fighting incarceration for a car accident. I understand that the incarceration charge being on the table was political. I’m… Read more »
Hi Leo –
Thanks for sharing this – I am so sorry for your pain.
Like everyone in your group – I have accidentally killed as well and can understand what you’re going through – to a degree.
I hope you’re seeing a therapist – that’s job #1 – and I invite you to order our book and acquaint yourself with the other resources we have here. You are more than your accident! And we stand in solidarity for you and the invaluable nature of your worth.
LMK if we can help in any way.
Chris+
My son accidentally shot and killed his best friend on Friday. We are still in shock. The funeral is Thursday and we have not been able to talk with his best friend’s family to find out how they feel. This is so hard.
Allison – OMG – I am so sorry to hear of this! I can’t imagine your pain and emotion as a parent – but as someone who has done this I can relate to your son… I would buy a copy of our book straightaway – it will give you a lot of good basic info regarding this unique type of trauma. I would, if you haven’t already, get your son to a good therapist asap – step number one in this case is to get control of trauma. Peruse the site as well, if you haven’t already – and… Read more »
My accidents happened over two years ago. I was a family caregiver to my dementia father. His dementia was advanced and so was his cardiovascular disease. After being discharged from hospital due to pneumonia he came back home: weak, pale, full of wounds. At that time I promised myself to never ever put him in hospital. I wanted him to stay home but home hospice was unavailable and his GPs treated him over the phone. In the last week I witnessed his losing and regaining consciousness (once) , (once) throwing up clear mucus, bowel problems. On the last day of… Read more »
Hi Alicja – I am so sorry to hear of your distress over the way your father died. Holding ourselves accountable for tragedies – as warranted as they may or may not be – is a common human characteristic. It betrays the kindness of your heart and the love in your spirit. Looking back at your behavior with regret – and second-guessing your decision-making is so common – please know you are not alone here. A first step for you should be counseling – seeing a therapist – I would do that straight away. With talk and time will likely… Read more »
Thank You Chris. Actually I am not sure what to do. I am writing from Poland and I tried to find counselling but psychotherapists in my country don’t seem prepared to deal with such a serious case. I am all alone feeling I am a coward and a bad daughter, and that I failed my dad. At this point I strongly doubt I will ever find peace or will be able to forgive myself.
Hi Alicja – I am so sorry to hear things are so difficult. It is not an easy road – as a fellow person who has walked down a similar path I can partially relate. Finding help when you’re discouraged is not easy. I liken it, though, to finding a mate. Just because the first or second date did not work out, does not mean anything. Finding the right therapist is a bit like finding a spouse sometimes: it takes a failure – or two, or three, or seven – before the right one comes along. So don’t be discouraged… Read more »
Thank You. I will come to the next meeting.
We will be very happy to see you. If you like you can keep your camera and mic off while you check it out. You can participate as much or as little as you like. You can make it Alicja! You can do it.
Hi Chris. I haven’t yet joined the meeting because I am struggling with what happened. But I have a question to You and maybe others-what is healing? I used to be a very happy person and motivated to helping people. I became a caregiver to my dad out of love. I put on hold my life to be with him and it made me happy. Now after all this my life is shattered- I feel guilty and depressed. Will I ever feel peace and happiness again? Is this healing? Or will I struggle with guilt for the rest of my… Read more »
Hi Alicja – Thank you again for reaching out! I am so sorry this continues to plague to such a debilitating degree. The feelings you are experiencing would likely be helped by a trained counselor – have you been able to secure one yet? To answer your question – each person is different – as we have different ways of processing trauma. At The Fellowship, we steer away from the word ‘healing’ and instead, we prefer the word coping. You have been wounded, deeply, and this has left a scar. And we know that physical scars never quite go away,… Read more »
Thank You Chris! Still looking for a counselor.
Chris, do you thing people which we unintentionally harmed forgave us? Should we also try to forgive ourselves and not give into despair and guilt? Can we try to be happy again? And what sense spiritually has when it comes to nintentionally hurting someone? Why do we have to suffer so much even if we just tried to be good people. Some of us even chose careers to help others, but not to harm.
Two years ago I was working as an ambulance support worker (like a paramedic only less qualified). I went with a paramedic colleague to a man who’d called complaining of chest pains and received no answer at the door. I think it was me who tried the tall side gate and couldn’t gain access so thinking it was locked called the fire service. There was also a large dog barking inside the house. The fire service arrived and with a firm shove, opened the gate giving access to the back door which was also not locked. The patient was found… Read more »
Hi David – I am so sorry this happened to you – and know that you have found a place full of people plagued by ‘stupidity.’ Your compassion and certainly the guilt you carry is emblematic of the kindness and softness of your heart – as we in the Fellowship have discovered – it hurts us to hurt others. That said, another common mantra around here is that ‘we are not our worst mistake.’ In other words, we all do good and bad things – please seek to define yourself more kindly and in keeping with who you really are:… Read more »
Hi David. I only wanted to add that mistakes are unavoidable. If we put ourselves in situations when we are responsible for other people’s lives- you are a paramedic and I was a family caregiver- then this is something really courageous and profoundly good. Not everyone is so courageous and willing to show up for others. But it also means we will sooner or later make a mistake that will affect someone’s life in a negative way. The best you can do is to try to give your best. And don’t forget about all the people’s lives you have saved… Read more »
35 years and 5 days ago, when I was 16, I killed a toddler who ran out in front of my car. He died 10 days later in ICU. When I heard the news from my school counselor, I couldn’t breathe, the horrific despair and pain was visceral. I was institutionalized for suicide watch, placed in a straight jacket and sedated for expressing my despair. It felt like all the pain and grief froze in time in that instant. My parents were silent about it at home, so to survive I chose to keep it inside for decades, although it… Read more »
Hi Stephanie –
Wow – what a story! I am so happy to hear about your transformation! And your encouragement to this community. Yes, these moments come. Yes, people experience profound peace and can move on.
Thanks for sharing this inspiration and encouraging us.
Chris+
I am a mom whose 16 year old daughter caused an accident where the other driver was killed. As a parent, I spent many hours driving with my daughter and placed her in an intensive driving education program before allowing her to drive alone. I thought I did everything right. This was the first time she was allowed to take the car alone to go to a local store she had driven to many times with me in the car. She made an error in judgment and in an instant caused a fatal accident. This happened over four years ago.… Read more »
Hi Marie – Thanks for being so thoughtful and posting this. Yes, it’s a tough, sometimes long process. Of course therapy is the number one recommendation. Also – come to a fellowship meeting – they’re monthly – and you don’t need to turn your camera on (they’re on zoom) – because being with people who’ve done the same thing can have a positive affect. You should get our book too – it’s got a lot of wisdom and can help put things in perspective. We can’t manipulate the future – there are no guarantees – just odds – that this… Read more »
Hi Marie, I caused a fatality the first time I drove alone at 16. I never lost my license either. I got behind the wheel again a few months after it happened. Just little steps, up the street and back, and eventually longer distance, doing my best, fully present, building confidence. Honestly, I still get flashbacks when driving and I am extra alert. That was 35 years ago and now as a parent I can tell you I have struggled with anxiety of my child in the same situation or more that he would be killed in a car accident.… Read more »
Hi Marie, I too am a mother to a son whose accident, 5 years ago, caused the death of his girlfriend. I believe our pain may be similar as we hold the trauma, shame and grief of our children, knowing it will go with them through life. And I agree that his accident, is our family’s accident. We all hold the trauma, sadness and grief alongside him and question how will we ever find real joy again. From time to time I visit the Hyacinth Fellowship meetings and find them a comfort. I have also been to a therapist and… Read more »
A little over 16 years ago, I was driving back from Chicago after attending a wedding. My best friend was in the front seat of the car buckled in, my girlfriend and the woman I planned to marry was laying down in the backseat, unbuckled. The roads were wet from an early morning drizzle. Somehow…I lost control of the vehicle while exiting from one freeway to another. I unfortunately cannot recall how I lost control of the vehicle. Did I reach for the radio or my phone? Did I nod off from a late night at the wedding? Was it… Read more »
Joe – What a journey! I am so heartbroken for you – and so happy you decided to share this with us. As you may know, this happens once every 18 minutes in the U.S. There are a lot of people like you and me. Therapy, talk, time – these play extremely therapeutic roles – and I’m happy to hear it has served you well. But yes – part of our human condition is dealing with these losses and injuries – it’s just the journey the universe has given us. One thing I’ve heard over and over from our members… Read more »
Joe – many of the feelings and experiences you have articulated feel very familiar to me. I was the driver of a fatal car accident almost 11 years ago now. I did the work in therapy, I surrounded myself by a support system, so much time has passed, and I “moved on”. However… I still find ways to sabotage my happiness, because I feel undeserving. I, too, have phrases that I think of almost every day. After court, my friend’s father approached me and said, “I wanted to know you felt remorse.” It is like a broken record in my… Read more »
I am an ordained minister with over 30 years ministry experience (24 years inside prison walls), who recently applied for and received my LCDC-I license. I currently a member of the DWI Treatment team inside a women’s prison. I have only worked there for two months and during that time have counseled with several women convicted of intoxicated manslaughter. The most recent woman does not have a history of alcoholism, however she drank and drove one time and killed a young man ( a husband and father). She is in her early thirties and devastated by result of her choices.… Read more »
Fantastic! Thank you so much for checking in here – may your work of compassion and healing bear much fruit.
Chris+
What a blessing you are to the women under your care. I spent 5 years in a women’s prison for intoxicated manslaughter. My car accident was 25 years ago- I, like the girl you mentioned- had never had a dwi, or anything of the sort prior. I was 25, going through a devastating divorce, and made a horrid mistake. The pain, guilt, and remorse is ever present. I have reoccurring nightmares, all these years later- that I’m still in prison. Just had one last night, actually. In many ways, it’s as though I’m emotionally still in a prison- that’s like… Read more »
I am only beggining my journey to self-recovery but as a psychologist I would also encourage you to include the elements of self-compassion approach.
Last Thursday, I was driving home from work. It was 8.15 at night, and out of nowhere, a young woman ran in front of my car while I was traveling at 35 miles an hour. I did not have time. She was just there. She is in critical condition in the ICU, last I know. The worst part is, is I don’t even know how she’s doing, and I can’t find out. I’ve was cleared of all fault, a complete accident, horrific in every way, and I can’t deal with it. I’ve not gone to work. I can’t eat. I… Read more »
H Jess – Oh my goodness – I am so sorry for what you’ve been through – just one week ago. First – take care of yourself – surround yourself with those who love you – with those who validate your experience. I would purchase our book ‘Accidental Killing’ – and I would do the best I could to take care of myself. I advise a therapist to help sort things out – you have been literally traumatized – and you must take this seriously. Don’t do anything rash. You are deeply, deeply hurt and not yourself. Do take advantage… Read more »
The one year anniversary of the day my husband accidentally hit and killed a young woman is coming up this week. How should I handle it? He doesn’t talk about it much and I don’t want to dredge up the trauma again, but it seems thoughtless to ignore it.
Hi Linda – Thanks for writing – and bless you for being so conscientious and caring – your husband is a lucky man. Much of what you’re asking is contextual: you know your husband better than anyone. As a rule, you want to be careful that you don’t bring up this reminder because YOU want to – but because you perceive HE would want to. So I would play off of his inclinations, ie if he mentions it or you sense that he’s aware and hurting, then go ahead and offer comfort as appropriate. But you do have good instincts… Read more »
I was in a car accident when I was 17 years old and I crashed the car off the side of the road and my friend died. It’s been twenty years and I have sought help from therapists, spiritual teachers, groups, coaches. This still haunts me and I feel kind of hopeless. I want to live a happy life but sometimes it feels like I don’t deserve that
Hey Nolen – Thanks so much for this – As someone who knows what this is like I get it. I totally validate these feelings – whether it’s 2min or 20yrs – Unfortunately there is no magic bullet for everyone – instead it is a weight that might never go away, but that we can manage with help. Do continue to work on yourself – you are worth it – you are invaluable and irreplaceable – you are inspiring, encouraging, and caring for others and the world in ways no one else can’t. You deserve to live the best life… Read more »
A year ago, I shared my experience here: https://hyacinthfellowship.org/blog/join-the-conversation-comments-from-our-community/#comment-50157 The first anniversary is coming up and I’m scared of how that day would go. In fact, I’m still scared of how the accident will affect me and my loved ones in the months/years to come. The shame and guilt is still very much there. I still have flashbacks, panic attacks, low and dark moments from time to time. I just finished reading “Accidental Killing: A Survivor’s Handbook” and I am so grateful for this. It gave me some comfort knowing that what I was, and still am, going through is… Read more »
Avah! You are an angel – thank you so much for your encouraging words – As you well know, we are in this together – you are far from alone – and the good thoughts and prayers of the many around you are present – and may they buoy you during this anniversary.
Chris+
From the UK. Known to a number on zooms, I had the privilege of corresponding with MaryAnn as many others. She helped me hugely in my personal journey as a Mum of a CADI. I have been attending zooms now for a few years, when I can, despite it being at 10 pm on a Sunday night for me! This gift is specifically in memory of my beautiful daughter Kerith Anna, a doctor, aged 27 yrs. One thing I can do in her memory. She died 20 yrs ago on 7 November 2004 this week, so a sad anniversary. But… Read more »
Judy! Thank you so much for your generous and continuing support! We are so happy to be growing and reaching more people thanks to the kindnesses of you and others.
Chris+
I had a terrible car accident in January of this year. I was in a parking lot. Who has an accident in a parking lot where people get hurt! I lost control of my car. It went 75 feet and crashed. The air bags exploded. My friend sitting to my right was hurt. He ended up with a broken bone in his hand and a broken hip. My wife was sitting behind me without a seat belt. She went forward and hit my friend. She was knocked unconscious, had a concussion, broken maxiofacial bone and lost a tooth. I crashed… Read more »
Hi Paul – Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to. You are a healthy, full-hearted, human being – who’s created to feel shame and guilt for mistakes like this. It’s how you’re made – a kind, conscientious man. Make sure and work with a therapist through this who can remind you of your humanity – and that this kind of think happens every 18 minutes in the U.S. And try to be kind to yourself: who has an accident in a parking lot? Don’t know of anyone who keeps these stats but believe me – you are… Read more »
My name is Martina, I write from Italy. My brother, 21 years old, a month ago after an evening spent having fun together and after they had both reached their cars to go home, he hit one of his older friends. My brother is heartbroken, he has stopped leaving the house, he is afraid to even get into the car to travel a few km. We live in a small town, where everyone knows each other and they have not spared accusations and bad comments which are not helping my brother react to the accident. He continues to say that… Read more »
Guilty for having survived is so valid and real and he isn’t alone. People tell me what I did was an accident and it wasn’t intentional at all, but it doesn’t make the surreal pain any less surreal. I know what it feels like to be in excruciating pain and amongst a word of mouth small community. I bought Thick That Khan (sorry spelling) book on when a loved one dies to help me, it’s okay, maybe it’d help? It’s all about being in the present which of course I didn’t want to be, I wanted a time machine to… Read more »
Martina – You are so kind to write on behalf of your beloved brother! What a good sister you are! Please see that he goes to therapy. What he has done happens ALL THE TIME and there are lots of people who learn to cope and to live productive and even happy lives. He should be no different. Of course, he is young – and suffers from a lack of knowledge of the world and the journey through trauma. Tell him this happens every 18 min in the US alone – Have him sit in on a monthly Hyacinth meeting… Read more »
Martina you are a very thoughtful and supportive sister. Just knowing that you are there for him is already helping your brother, but in my case the trauma of my accident did not go away, no matter who tried to help. Thankfully today there are so many more tools available and I’m so glad you were able the find this group. I hope your brother finds a way to connect with others like us and some mental health resources.
Cara Martina, mi dispiace per tuo fratello. Condivido il suo dolore e ti ringrazio per essergli accanto. Non siete soli 🫶🏻 Con tutto il mio affetto, Alexandra (Francia).
Cara Martina, I am sorry for your brother. I share his pain and thank you for being by his side. You are not alone 🫶🏻 With all my affection, Alexandra (France).
It has taken 30 years for me to be able to tell this story. In April of 1994 I had met my best friend at a restaurant then headed home at about ten pm. I was a senior in high school, about to graduate near the top of my class. Heading down a divided four lane road at 55 mph, I saw something ahead of me and slammed the brakes to try to stop. I collided with the rear of a motorcycle that had been stopped on the road. I was in shock and my memory is spotty. Two nurses… Read more »
Hi Natalie, thank you so much for sharing your story! I am so, so sorry about all the pain you’ve endured over the years- especially for something that so clearly wasn’t your fault. I think it’s so beautiful that you are pursuing the field that you are! I feel that those who’ve experienced such difficulties and tragedies are in the best position to help others that are suffering, as well. It’s not easy finishing up a degree years later- as I completed my associates at 48! But, when there’s a will- there’s a way🙂 take care and ‘Don’t give up… Read more »
Thank you, Bekah! I start school Monday. I’m so nervous.
Wow Natalie – You have been so amazing – so strong, genuine, and full-hearted. I am so thankful for your inspiring story of resilience. Yes, as we grow – as time passes – we can make connections that eluded our younger selves – thank you for the courage, bravery, and pure will – to keep at it – and inspire others with your determination. We are here for you – as I – and other Hyacinth members share your experience – often with overlap – and if we can be of any help whatsoever pop into a meeting or drop… Read more »
Thank you so much.
On October 3rd 1990 I killed a man. An elderly man who was just out getting some shopping. I was 18 and he was 83. At approximately 12:30 that day I was the driver of a van that belonged to the company I was working for at the time. In the van along with me was a coworker. We had left the job we were working on just a couple of minutes previously (slightly earlier than we should have I have to add) and we were driving home to get our lunch. I would drop my coworker off at his… Read more »
Hey there Robert, thank you so much for sharing your story. It is essential that people hear how common situations like yours, and mine are. Yes, I am also in accidental killer, and so I know a little bit about the shame and grief that you are feeling. Well, we never fully recover from these things, time and talking about it are two proven, efficacious, strategies. Have had a counselor in the past, it may be helpful. See one now, knowing that, you don’t need to settle for the first one you find, but wait until you find someone that’s… Read more »
Chris. Thank you so much for reading my message. I apologise if it was rambling. I also really appreciate you posting a reply. I feel that by talking about it helps me a lot. Thank you for allowing me to share.
Aw, thanks Robert – you are welcome here!
Hi, I am the adult daughter of an elderly CADI and working through the myriad of emotions. Asking if anyone has resource for Cantonese speakers who have some experience on this. This is ripping us apart and we are still looking for help. We have a therapist now but she is not the right fit. Also Looking for a support group for family members to learn how to empathize and support her healing. She is 3 months post accident and wants to die. I think there was a reason she was spared although the accident and fatalities were horrific. Thank… Read more »
Janice – thank you so much for writing! What your loved one has gone through is as tragic as it is common – and I hope you’ll continue to access THF for all it’s worth. We don’t currently offer Cantonese resources – but perhaps someone reading this may be able to help. Do feel free to get as involved as you’d like with our monthly support group and peer support initiative. And, like dating, finding the right partner is not easy – keep at it regarding a counselor for your parent! Again thanks for writing, we are praying for you… Read more »
I hit a person with my car and she died. I was on my way home about noon I live in the country with narrow winding hilly roads with no shoulders. As I came around a curve that has a steep hill on the left and a drop off on the right the person ran across the road and the person was hit and went down the hill. I was not charged with anything and police investigation showed my speed at 35 as posted snd my car was in excellent condition. I was not distracted. Because the person died and… Read more »
Hi Joyce – Thank you so much for writing and revealing, so candidly, your feelings. If you have not already, please seek out a counselor. What helps us through these events is often a combination of time and talk. And counselors are seasoned at the latter! If you aren’t connecting with your counselor, don’t be afraid to find another. You deserve to get better and a counselor can often provide tools to battle these thoughts and emotions. Do pop into our monthly support meetings – and feel free to get involved in our other initiatives – things can get better… Read more »
Thanks Chris, I have a therapist and seems like I make progress then something happens that sets me back. Therapist is great it’s outside situation Opening the rabbit hole. Will definitely seek out the monthly meetings. Don’t think I have found the tiimes and place. Joyce
Joyce
i am the adult daughter of a CADI. I would like to reach out as I am supporting my mother in her healing. Her occurrence also happened in March. This Hyacinth group has been a huge blessing. Just knowing we are not alone. I am adding you to my prayers and also sending my email in hopes we can help each other. My mother is not fluent in English, so I’ve translated a lot of what I am learning from this resource.
I was 18 years old in 1978 and I was driving my high school sweetheart and I back home at 1am after working a double shift together at a local restaurant on Long Island. The road was dark and curvy and I must not have been paying close enough attention because I went off the road and hit a telephone pole on the passenger side. The car was ripped open and she was thrown out and killed instantly. To say I was devasted and felt completely responsible would be an understatement. Filled with self-loathing and personal doubts, it took me… Read more »
Hi Gregg –
Thank you so much for this thoughtful post – what a tragedy you’ve been through and I’m inspired to hear how you’ve been able to move on productively and with moments of joy in your life!
Do stay in touch with us Gregg – we could use your positivity and good nature here.
Chris+
I work in healthcare. There was a case I was involved in ten years ago that I still think about every single day of my life. My patient was not doing well after an intervention. I stayed over my shift trying to problem solve and troubleshoot. After trying everything I knew to try, I finally handed report over to the next shift, informed the physician of the situation, and clocked out. After my commute and a shower, I called in to check on the patient. She had died. I immediately lost all control of my emotions. I began replaying the… Read more »
Hi Diane – Thanks so much for posting here – What you’re battling, is not stupid or small. The guilt, pain, and shame you feel is all too real – and it appears to have had huge consequences on your overall health. I am so sorry this is such a big battle. Intrusive thoughts of this nature are never idiotic – but they are illogical. I am guessing you’ve sought professional help here, and if not, do so, knowing that finding a good counselor is a bit like finding a spouse: it usually takes more than one date. So don’t… Read more »
My son (35 yo) was driving in a big truck in the rain at 5 am in the morning. He passed a vehicle in the passing zone going 50 mph in a 75 mph zone. As he was passing, a car that was passing in the other directions passing zone suddenly appeared. My son drove to the shoulder. Unfortunately so did the other car. It was purely 2 vehicles in the wrong place at the same time. They hit head-on. Being in a big truck, he actually drove over the other small vehicle, it burst into flames. There was a… Read more »
Hi Tracey – I am so sorry to hear this – what a tragedy for all involved. When the injuring party reaches out to those to whom they have injured it is best to start with an intermediary. Perhaps your lawyer or a clergy person, can make overtures to the injured party for you and get some sort of sense of their receptivity to any message from you. Please realize that any contact you make has the potential to further pain the injured party, something I’m sure you don’t want. You don’t want to alleviate your pain at the expense… Read more »
Hi Tracey,
Going through something similar as your son. I wonder if he would be open to chatting sometime.
I killed one of my best friend by accident shotting her in 1995 Argentina. We were 15 y/o and the gun´s owner was her boyfriend who lied to me about the gun being a toy. I still suffer nightmares, panic attacks and lot of guilt. I´m 44 and I´m figure it out how to live with this pain and shame. All my love for you guys, hug you in distance. GRACIAS.
Gabriela –
Thank you so much for sharing this – you remind us of the frequency of this – once every 18min here in the U-S. We always recommend therapy – talk and time are the best combinations here.
Hugs right back at you.
Chris+
My accident was 38 years ago. I was speeding at 4am on a clear dry road when a pedestrian ran out from behind a sheltered bus stop. Because of the Advertisement panel we did not see each other, I hit him and he died. This was 100% my fault. I was arrested and charged with dangerous driving causing death. I got 3 years probation and lost my license for a year. The Judge said he has never seen anyone with so much remorse and that there is no need to punish this man – he is going to do it… Read more »
Thank you so much for sharing your brave, difficult and amazing story!! I was very moved, and I have no doubt that your story will help others.
Wow Colin-
Thanks so much for this – you are amazing.
These stories, the pain we experience and read about still makes my stomach sink. It’s been almost a year now. A year since the worst day of my life. A year since I accidentally took a young girls life. A year of not knowing if I also took a young boys life. Many questions arise with my accident, some still no one has answers to. What I do know is that I was driving in the middle of the night, on a dark back road, as I blinked I watched a little girls life flash before her eyes, as I… Read more »
Hi Alyssa –
Thank you so much for posting.
I am so sorry for your pain. You sound like such a good person. They say that the amount of our sorrow equates with the bigness of our hearts.
Please know that as you go through this you are not alone. I have also accidentally killed someone – and understand the pain you are feeling. Please know that my prayers – our prayers as an organization – are with you as you navigate your years.
Again, thanks,
Chris+
I was driving home from refereeing a soccer game( still dressed in my ref gear). Did not see 2 people crossing the road (not in a crosswalk) I hit both of them and got out of my car to see them both getting cpr and I just passed out. This was just under 2 years ago had to plea guilty to vehicular homicide and got 5 years probation and 200 hours of community service. The day after my conviction they put up a crosswalk. I have been on the road for work for over 30 years and never had an… Read more »
Stuart – I think we all agree that there is so much that is unfair about how accidental deaths are dealt with in our society. I’m sorry for you. I wish could do more for you than to say “breathe,” and do so intentionally. I have found that deliberate “box breathing” or “4square breathing” helps me to manage the times I become overwhelmed by guilt, shock, and sadness. If professional counseling is available to you I urge you to get it.
Stuart- What a sad story – what a tragedy for you and all concerned – I am so sorry. I’m sure I’m not the first to recommend counseling to you. Heavy burdens are best shared. If you haven’t done it – or have quit – don’t be discouraged – because the world needs you healthy. You are not done yet. You are greater than your worst episode. It need not define you. Do take advantages of the resources on this site and know that you are not alone in your suffering – nor in your ability to get through this.… Read more »
I’m not ready to share my story yet. But yes yes yes unfortunately I understand these feelings. A rollercoaster of survivors guilt and remorse and Shame all rolled into one . It’s been 17 or 18 years and I still feel my stomach churn. I have gone thru so much therapy that there seems to me to be nothing left to mend. I’m simply broken
Hi Tammy. I feel that the best thing about sharing these stories with each other is to know that we are not alone with these feelings. I don’t know anyone else who has been through something like this, but of course, if they have, they probably don’t talk about it. My accident was many years ago and I still feel guilt and shame. I have found that the right therapist can help though. I have also found that helping people also helps me get out of my own head and focus on others. I try to stay busy, I work… Read more »
Hi Tammy –
Thank you so much for reaching out here – your resilience and determination to go on are stunningly inspirational.
We are here when you’re ready. You’re an invaluable and irreplaceable soul, given life and purpose to channel benevolence into the world. Thanks for doing so.
I was driving down a dark 4 lane road coming home from work. The road is unlit and no lighting from anywhere, I encountered a big tall truck with pircercing led lights shined down right into my small car, I could not see a thing. And when he passed I was blinded for about 2-3 seconds. I immediately looked to right curb lane for relief from on coming traffic. I saw only darkness in front and behind. I moved over quickly and when I looked back there was the small red light Of a cycle right in front of me… Read more »
Hi John –
What a heart-wrenching story – thank you so much for sharing it. As someone who has accidentally killed, I get it – and I feel so much the same regarding self-blame and remorse.
Do continue your work – of claiming your place as someone who has done something bad but is not bad. You are more than the worst event you’ve participated in.
Do connect with us more deeply if it can help – so glad you reached out.
I was heading home from my mom’s house at 1:30am July 29th, 2023, and was going up a one way bridge I always take to get to my apartment. It’s not a straight bridge you go up then straight then you go down and around a curve. As i was coming around the curve out of nowhere I saw a flash of a guy on a motorcycle and I saw his shocked face right before he hit me. He was going the wrong way down the one way road. I instinctively put my car in park took my seatbelt off… Read more »
Hi Hannah – What a horrible event. I am so sorry for you and all involved. First off, I do hope you are seeing a counselor, talk and time are the two proven components to arriving at a place of healthy coping. Second, I do hope you are perusing this website to find things that may appeal to you regarding your ongoing support. As someone who has caused accidental death myself I understand a bit of what you are going through and want you to know you are not alone: this happens every 18 minutes in the U.S. and the… Read more »
May 29, 2021. It started out so normal. I got a call from dispatch that they had a couple loads for me. I get in my Peterbilt, drive to the rental yard, load the machine for delivery and drive to the first site. It goes off without a hitch. I load another machine and head off to the second. I was driving down a two lane highway, and I see a Dodge pickup with a welding bed come at me at a high rate of speed. I see him sideswipe the truck in front of me. He goes into a… Read more »
Hey Andy – Thanks so much for sharing this story – it’s the heartbreaking, soul-crushing reality of the transportation world we live in.
I hope you’re getting therapy – you’ve been incredibly traumatized and God bless you for your dedication to your profession.
Please peruse our site and take advantage of any of our offerings. Let us know if there’s anything further we can do to help. We’re here – I’m here – because we’ve gone through the same thing – and know that we can make it through.
Chris+
A week ago exactly, I was driving home with my dog in the car after picking up dinner. I was driving down an intersection less than half a mile from my house, and was turning left on a green light. Out of nowhere it seemed like a man appeared right in front of my car. I braked, but it was too late. The officers stated that I had followed all the rules, drove under the speed limit, called 911, but I still cannot get the image of the incident out of my head. They called me the next day to… Read more »
Hey Harshini – Thanks so much for reaching out – and please know you are not alone! I am hoping you’ve contacted and are seeing a therapist. Many of the question you ask and feelings you’re experiencing are best to share with a trained professional. However we are here! And I’m so happy you’ve reached out. You’ve been through perhaps the worst incident in your life and you need to know that most of us do fine a way through it. Notice I didn’t say ‘over’ it – because it’s like a severe wound with a permanent scar. Do peruse… Read more »
My husband accidentally ran over and killed a young woman. It was not his fault. He’s been trying to find counseling but everything he’s tried they want to go back to his days in Vietnam. What he needs is help with this most recent trauma, not 50 years ago! He thinks he’s fine but he’s not. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Donna- What a terrific wife you are – thank you for your compassion and assertiveness here. By all means, find a counselor. Trauma like this is like buried toxic waste – sometimes it takes 5 months, sometimes 50 years. But in every case, let’s let the experts handle it. Do peruse our site and find what looks good – and is appropriate for your husband. Of course he is welcome at our monthly fellowship meetings – and we do offer ‘Peer Support’ if you think that would be helpful – look around the site and see. And know that… Read more »
I found this website after reading the book Accidental by David Peters. It was super helpful. I read it in two days. One year ago I was involved in a fatal crash. I was turning left on a blinking yellow light. Suddenly my car was stopped with a bang, the airbag had deployed and my passenger said a motorcyclist had hit me. I went to him, he was laying motionless in the street. I began chest compressions as best I could. I couldn’t get his helmet off and he had a protective vest on. 911 operator told me to straighten… Read more »
Hi Susie – Thank you so much for writing! And I am so sorry you’ve had to go through this. The reality is that you are not alone – we live in an accidental world and your trauma is shared (by me and) by millions of people. Do make sure and get a counselor to walk with you through this dark time. Do check out our resources here – we want to help as much as we can. And do the best you can to forgive yourself. We are here for you! Feel free to reach out in any way… Read more »
I agree, this is certainly a fallen world, marred by death and suffering all as a result of sin. Death is guaranteed for all of humanity as we read in Romans 6:23 and Hebrewes 9:27. We see that all are sinners and that none are good as we read in Romans 3:23 and Romans 3:10-12. Death is a consequence of sin and will be experienced by all at some point. Eternal death (eternal seperation from God in the lake of fire) will be experienced by those who die in their sin apart from Christ. The only hope man has in… Read more »
Did his motorcycle have aworking headlight?
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I was in a situation where a motorcycle was going the wrong way down the road and hit me head on coming around a curve at 1:30 am. He died on scene. I’m only 21 yrs old and am now traumatized for the rest of my life. My car was totaled. He had hit my windshield and flew over my car. I hope you can heal from this. Sending hugs to you.
I am so glad that I found this site. My grandson, 16 yrs old, accidentally shot and killed his 18 year old friend. He was arrested for Manslaughter but is out on bond. I can “feel” that he is having a hard time accepting what he did and I realize that he needs someone to talk with and that he may have a hard time discussing his feelings with his family. I will give him this site and hope that he will engage in conversation or at least put in words what he is going through emotionally. Please send me… Read more »
Hi Betty –
You are not alone here – so many good friends/family have been good advocates for their loved ones – like you.
Yes, go ahead and see that he gets counseling – he has been through more than he probably comprehends. And let us know what else we can do – as we have already responded via email!
Chris+
My name is Jay and I was in an accident on Thanksgiving of 2023. I was driving home with my girlfriend (passenger seat), my stepfather (back seat behind driver), sister (in between her dad and boyfriend), and my sister’s boyfriend (back seat behind front passenger side.) On the way home I fell asleep behind the wheel and my girlfriend noticed we were going towards incoming traffic. When she had alerted me I over corrected myself which lead us to swerve. I seen a ditch in front of us and I thought if I skim the edge of the ditch it… Read more »
Hi Jay! Thank you so much for stepping in here and sharing your story. You have been through so much – you have such relatable guilt and regret – both signs that you’re a decent human being and worthy of getting through this. I’m so glad to hear you’re getting therapy and have people around you who love and care for you. You have connected with a community that’s just like you. We’ve harmed seriously, or in my case, killed – all unintentionally. You are invited to not only peruse any relevant resources on our site – but please, do… Read more »
First, congratulations you got back in the car. Small steps, small victories. You are going to see that anger is shared among some of us. I hit my 8th month last week and my story is below, if you feel like reading it. I wish I could tell you that things are better for me right now but at the moment, I am a work in progress. You have a family who loves you and first and foremost, be grateful that everyone survived. Look at how many times you got in a car and got from point A to point… Read more »
I never knew this group existed, and still wish that were true. But Dec 13, 2023 was a day like any other, spent the day working and on my way home.- 8 pm and its pretty dark this time of day in the mid west I was driving home from work, down a road I have driven a million times. When suddenly a dark figure appeared directly in front of me. I slammed on the brakes, but couldn’t stop in time. I saw the vehicle hit the pedestrian and push them into the intersection. I immediately stopped and got out… Read more »
Hi Devin – Thank you so much for sharing your heart here- You are not alone in your struggle! You have found a group that ‘gets’ you – and I hope you will peruse the site and find what works for you. I also commend therapy. Telling a professional what you’re feeling – how you’re doing – etc – can be really helpful. Yes, holidays are tough. The guild, shame, regret… But please know – incidents like yours happen once every 18 minutes in the U-S. You are not the first nor the last who will go through this –… Read more »
Hi Devin, I was in basically a similar situation except that it was 3am I was on my way to work and there was zero visibility. None. See my story below. The what if’s are endless, aren’t they? Being part of this group is not how anyone wants to do things. Trust me, I am at the 8 month mark and all I could think about was how someone was spending their holiday with an empty chair. I wish I didn’t know exactly how you feel but I do. Please remember to keep remembering that you are here because you… Read more »
In my childbearing years, I experienced Big T-trauma and abuse, which started long before that as Little t-trauma growing up (Gabor Mate terms). I had a daughter and then gave birth to three more children in the traumatic conditions with a Vietnam combat Marine veteran. My children suffered greatly, each in their own way. My third born child suffered from addiction and depression and died in 2015 at the age of 38. My business is now helping people with grief, trauma, and loss. There is a short video about my story of loss in my website. In 2016, my grand… Read more »
Shanti –
Thank you for letting us know about your journey. You are a true survivor and I thank you for thinking of others in their pain. May your work of inspiring those who have been harmed in like manner prosper and grow!
Chris+
Has anyone here ever used EMDR therapy to process their guilt, shame, etc. I am seeing a trauma therapist who specializes in this practice of EMDR.
Hi Mary!
Thanks for reaching out.
I have not used EMDR but know that many of our members have. Please send an email to hyacinthfellowship@gmail.com and our office may be able to get you in touch with someone!
Praying for you.
Chris+
November 19, 2023. Just a few days ago I accidentally killed someone. I was driving the car, 2 of my friends were with me. I was driving along Maharlika Highway here in the Philippines, when I saw a motorcycle rider about the enter the highway, fell down and slid towards the car. I braked, but it was too late. I felt him go under the car. The car already stopped but he was still under there. I froze. My friends went outside to help. But I already heard people saying he’s dead. I stayed in the car, crying. Thinking that… Read more »
Hi Avah – Thank you so much for telling us your story – I am SO SORRY for what has happened! Your grief, care, concern, and sorrow are all so raw and real – and I can honestly say that for me – and many others in the Fellowship – we get it. We have done the same thing. You are in the initial stages of trauma – and do the best you can to surround yourself with supportive people. Receive their love and care for you. As the days go by and you can come to a place of… Read more »
I was in an accident where a motorcycle was going the wrong way down the road and hit me head on and died. I know how you feel. It was not your fault and you shouldn’t carry any guilt. Sending hugs.
Hello, I never wanted to be a part of this group. This happened 6 months ago. I am a travel worker and was re-routed by construction, didn’t know where I was in a huge city at 3 am and going to work and it was very very dark I was just going onto a freeway I had never been and just accelerated to freeway speed and out of nowhere a human being on foot became one with my vehicle. It all happened so fast that I didn’t know what happened. I pulled to the shoulder of a 5 lane highway… Read more »
Hi Lynn. I am a nurse also, and my heart goes out to you. My accident was many years ago, but I feel that I have some understanding of where you are coming from. I have also spent some time asking “why me?”, although the crash was my fault. I was 16 at the time. I do get so jealous of other people at times who do not have to wake up with this reality every day. However, after several years of trying to punish myself for what happened, I began the slow journey of healing that I feel never… Read more »
Thank you for responding!! I think its been hard for me because I had no one to go through it with, I am struggling particularly hard right now because I have been around a “trigger person” and my family wants me to be “the bigger person” because this person ” has issues” and its been a very challenging situation. I just wish I could part more details but waking up with this everyday is horrible because I wish this person was not a trigger for me or the situation in general. Im trying but its new and not having a… Read more »
Hi Lynn. I am so sorry this unfortunate accident happened to you. I was involved in a pedestrian accident myself 9 years ago, where an intoxicated male stepped in front of my car when I was coming home from dinner. I am so glad to hear you are trying to get the right help. I also was against medicine for years! I also believe when it comes to therapy it is a great start, as it took me years to also make that step. I am in the medical field as well, and trauma is something I see often with… Read more »
Thank you for responding!! Thank you for caring. I really appreciate it. I feel broken and it’s only been 7 months. I dont understand how to make sense of my “new trauma brain” and its incredibly frustrating. Does that get better? I literally threw trash into an empty dumpster like 3-4 months ago and the crash sound that it made incapacitated me for at least 3 hours and I was in bed unable to function. This is not how I want to live. I learned that I have to avoid these situations.
Thank you again.
Lynn, so many people care about you! Trust me I know what it feels like, and all the questions that go through your head. The worst part is we will never know why us..?? I do believe over time it gets better, and definitely by seeking the right therapy. This accident doesn’t define you as a person! You are more than welcome to email me if you’d like to chat. Brittanymichelle4349@yahoo.com
Lynn! So sorry to hear this – So glad you shared it. Yes, do seek therapy – in person is great. Do join our zoom group if you feel up to it – you can join anonymously – without showing name and video if you like – there’s no pressure – just our attempt to let you know loud and clear that you are not alone! You have been through a significant trauma here – a human life was lost – it hurts to hurt others. You can email us too – we can arrange for a phone conversation. Peruse… Read more »
when is the zoom meeting? I dont need to hide. I just need to talk to other people. Thank you.
Hi Lynn,
Our monthly Fellowship meetings are 3rd Sundays at 5p EST. Hope to see you soon.
Chris+
I didnt get the secure link and I thought I could just join…..
Hey there! Just email us ahead of time and we will email you a link! Use the contact tab to do so.
I recently found out that one of my dearest friends accidentally backed over her infant daughter in 1989. The baby did not survive. I have also experienced the loss of a child to a drowning accident and know how all consuming grief and GUILT are. I lost Jordan in 2000 but with God’s mercy, have healed and forgiven myself for not being there for my son when he needed me the most. My question for you all is… how do I help my friend forgive herself and learn to LIVE again?? She is the most wonderful person and deserves to… Read more »
Hi Rhonda – It is so heartwarming that you have such love and concern for your friend! She is so lucky to have you! There are three things you can do: 1) Validate her feelings. She is rightfully stricken to the core over this – others may brush it off ‘It was an accident, get over it’ – kind of attitude – this does not help. She needs affirmation that her feelings are valid – do this. 2) she needs to know she is cared about/liked/loved – communicate this to her at all times. You can’t send enough cards, texts,… Read more »
I made this post on the “anniversary” and in a mix up it got deleted. While it is quite long, I decided to re-post and leave it as is. While it is quite lengthy, I didn’t want to change it as it was extremely cathartic. If you read it all, thank you for taking the time. It’s been 20 years today. On 10/24/2003 mine and so many other’s lives changed forever. To say these last 20 years has been hard living with the guilt is an enormous understatement. When it happened I didn’t even know or understand what was going… Read more »
Hi Friend-
You have been through much. Be good to yourself.
One of the drawbacks of being a healthy, well-adusted human is that we hurt when we hurt. Your pain is a sign you care.
You are doing the right thing when you seek therapy and reach out to caring people, like you’ve done here. You are so much more than your worst mistake.
I hope the recounting and the posting of this tragic event helps give you clarity – and that you are worthy!
Chris+
Hi. I am now sobbing at your pain because I can only tell you I can identify with it. I read your entire post. Mine just happened 6 months ago. Mine unfortunately has same ending but different circumstances. Im not ok. Heres the difference, I just graduated from Psych Nurse PRactitioner school and Im supposed to help others. I wish I had some words of wisdom. I can tell you its not just the trauma, its the very very very hurtful stuff that people say after the trauma. I will post my story. Please know I am not judging you… Read more »
Hi Lynne, thank you for reading my story and responding. I also read your story above. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m glad you have decided to embrace medication. I hope it has helped.. Im so sorry the people in your life have been so hurtful and insensitive. I (thankfully) cannot relate to that. I wish I had some words of wisdom in regards to that, because of course that just makes the guilt and pain so much worse. PLEASE seek a therapist if you haven’t already. They may be able to help you through that aspect of… Read more »
Thank you for reaching out! Im working on not letting this define me and its shocking to me how little support there is for “us” and more so Im going through trying to grow my skin by the insensitivity of others. I tell people who know me, “you know where my bar is for a bad day” and other things. I refer to it as “the incident”. etc. Im trying to come to grips with it but I have to remind myself not to get angry with myself when I cant think of a “regular” word….Its supremely helpful and upsetting… Read more »
Hi! I am sorry for my grammatical mistakes. English are not my first language. My terrible story occurs one month before. It was morning and i was going to work when i hit with my car a pedestrian in a road turn when i could not see her in time. Yesterday the police officer called me and say that the woman died. I am feeling awful. I feel like i should not continue my life cause i dont diserve it. I am going on a psychologist but I don’t think that it has helped my feelings. I search all the… Read more »
Hi Nina. I also just found this organization and felt that sense of liberation. It’s like on one hand you wouldn’t want anyone else to go through what you’re going through. On the other hand knowing there are others, and there’s actually a place to come together, is a strange but very real relief. All I can say is please continue the therapy. I know you say it hasn’t helped, but it can and will, it just takes some time. Also if you read through some of the comments here by Chris he says multiple times that you must have… Read more »
Thanks you dor your kind words. My people is the only reason why I try to deal with this. Otherwise I would have end my life. The pain is getting worse everyday. I simply can’t find a reason to be happy again. I hope one day to be able. Thanks again for your words. You make me cry knowing that someone cares to make me feel better. I hope you are ok and blessed. Thank you again ❤️❤️
Hi Nina – I’m so happy to hear this very kind response. You are a very special, caring person. This is one reason the pain is so intense – were you a serial killer and not bothered when you cause harm, you would not be experiencing the pain you describe. But you are a precious, fragile soul – thus your intense pain. This, of course, does not lessen he pain, but understanding it can make it easier to carry. Do keep lifting up the people and purposes you have in your life as a way to stay alive. And –… Read more »
Hi Nina! Thank you so much for reaching out with your story! Indeed, you are not alone here. 82 people accidentally kill someone – like you. And many of them are here – to form a group of support that is here for you. I am so happy you have a therapist. If he/she is not able to help properly, go find another. Therapy is a lot like finding a spouse – it often takes a bit of dating around. Therapists know this and are not offended. They will also tell you that the number one factor in making progress… Read more »
Thank you very much. I’m looking forward for the meetings. I hope to be able to participate. Thanks for your kind words. The pain now seems devastating. I really hope to get better in time cause I could not be able to live with this for the rest of my life. Thanks again!
Hi Nina, I just want to applaud you for sharing your story. About a year and a half ago I was in that same deep hole you find yourself now. The one where smiling even feels like it’s wrong. The one where it feels like you’ll never deserve happiness but I am here to tell you that you do and as much as I hate to say it you just have to give it time and you have to seek help. I ended up turning to an IOP program who’s focus was group therapy, individual therapy and much more. I… Read more »
Thank you, Sandra for you kind words. It feels good to know that someone can understand your pain. I don’t know how to reach out in blog but I would really like to have someone to talk. Thank you again for your kind words. I hope you have great time!!
Hi Nina, I’m writing to let you know that I had a very similar accident January of this year and have experienced an unbelievable amount of sadness, guilt and every emotion over the sun. It’s been the worst year of my life, but I want you to know that I’m feeling better now 10 months later and I do truly feel there is hope for you! I’ve seen a trauma therapist since February and she has been very helpful. I suggest finding a trauma specific therapist as they will know what you’re going through and can provide helpful guidance. I… Read more »
Nina, Please do not hurt yourself. I am certain that many people love you and you would cause them significant pain. Adding to the pain is not the answer. You are not alone. If you look at how many people this happens to, it happens more often than you think. As awful as all of this is, its comforting knowing that we are not alone. I have spent 6 months looking for other people to talk to and Im in a major metropolitan area. The VA denied me help. It seemed everywhere I turned there was nothing for me. I… Read more »
Thank you Lynn for your kind words. I am trying to think positive. I have decide to trust my therapist. I hope you are better and have people to talk about it. I hope someday this wont be taboo to talk about it. We also need help.