If you have caused unintentional harm, or if you are trying to help someone who has, you can find support and encouragement here. Click below and join the conversation. Tell us your story, ask a question, or offer your advice and guidance – we want to hear from you!
My car unintentionally accelerated in reverse, while backing up to pick up flowers at a small, family owned garden center. The break did not respond, and my car ran into the small cashier stand, killing the woman running the garden center, and injuring a child and her dad. The woman left behind her mom, dad, 4 sisters, brother, new husband, stepchildren, and was beloved in her town.
Heartbreaking! I was unanle to show that it was sudden acceleration, pleading guilty to negligent homicide.
I am devastated for this family!
Hi Janet – Thank you so much for posting this! As you know, your story is not unique – as once every 18 minutes someone is killed unintentionally in the U.S. – and many times that number are seriously harmed – causing many of us to feel exactly as you do. I am so sorry for your pain and want you to know you are not alone. I am guessing you have heard the advice to seek a therapist. This is key! You have suffered serious trauma and getting back to center is a weighty task. I hope you’re able… Read more »
Two weeks ago I was driving through eastern New Mexico. I turned left and was broadsided on the passenger side by a motorcyclist coming from the opposite direction. He was not wearing a helmet or leathers and his motorcycle did not have a headlamp. I did not see him until he hit me. He died while being transported by ambulance. The police are conducting an investigation. I have no idea what my level of culpability is or will be determined to be. My partner, who was with me at the time (I was driving his car), has been wonderful and… Read more »
Dear Jane – What a horrible event! I am so sorry for you and your partner! You are doing the right thing out of the gate: getting therapy! This kind of wound tends to be analogous to a physical injury: it will likely get better with time though the scars will always be with you. The kinds of support we offer are outlined elsewhere in the site – under the Support tab – and I invite you to become involved as much as you’d like. Regarding your question – this is a unique event you are sharing with your partner… Read more »
I’ve sat here and tried to write something profound or intelligent and keep erasing every line.
So I’ll just say that I am happy to find a community that I will hopefully feel comfortable enough to share my story with at some point. It’s been 20 years for me.
I’m thankful to have finally found this avenue to help facilitate my own ongoing healing and to possibly help others who have walked in these lonely shoes of mine.
Christine! Thank you for sitting through the awkward silence and posting this. It doesn’t matter if it was 20 days or 20 years – we’re wired to feel this pain. And when it’s something as irreversible as death – well, it won’t go away. But yes, Christine, you have found a wonderfully caring and loving community to come alongside you – reminding you that there is hope – there is a modicum of healing – and yes, to use the overused phrase, it gets better. Do make yourself available to the resources and opportunities for growth found on this site… Read more »
Hi my name is Lora. I’ve been married to such a great and genuine soul for about 10 years. My husband is selfless. He is kind hearted. He is amazing. My husband is afflicted. When my husband was 15 he was in his room with his best friend (16) enjoying a night of video game play. We are southerners. It’s normal for southern children to have weapons but not usually have unlimited access to them. However my husband was failed and was allowed to have a pistol LOADED in his room. On the tragic night he and his best friend… Read more »
Hi Lora – Your post is as alarming as it is tragic. Please do all you can to hook him up with a therapist, a clergy person, even us – to help him break this wicked cycle of self-blame and self-harm (yes, alcoholism/binging is self-harm!). I am so inspired by your faithfulness and care for your husband – and the wisdom you have to look beyond his cutting words – and see the pain that’s motivating him, Good on YOU for seeking his health and well-being! He needs serious help and I trust you are doing all in your power… Read more »
Haunted? My accident was July 14th, 1998 So we’re coming up on the 25th anniversary. Seems crazy that it was that long ago. I have been struggling as of late, not so much with guilt, but the feeling that I never really dealt with what happened. A month after my accident I returned to work as a way to “keep my mind occupied”. 3 months later I was charged with Vehicular Manslaughter, and ultimately pled no contest. Received 3 years of summary probation (basically, stay out of trouble). My life basically carried on as normal, and I kept working. Had… Read more »
Hi Byron – I heard a story recently about a chemical company that, in the 1930’s, had generated toxic waste. Instead of disposing of it as the law required, the company cut corners. Years later, people around the disposal site began to come down with unexplained illnesses and diseases. Some people actually died. This was traced to the water, and to the buried toxic waste that had started leaking. When we fail to deal with the toxic things in our lives in an appropriate manner, we cannot be surprised that it eventually leaks out and causes problems – sometimes even… Read more »
What to do on the anniversary? It’s 12 years today. Every year on this day I avoid making plans, and tend to withhold good things from myself. Some kind of penitence, I guess. I never know what to do. If feels wrong to enjoy things today. On most days, I try to avoid falling down the rabbit hole of my experience. Of course, it persists: in the back of my mind, in shadows of nothing on sidewalks and 2-lane highways, in news headlines and street-side memorials and movie plot twists. But I try not to let it take over. But… Read more »
Hey There – I am so glad you posted this! So many of us have the EXACT SAME THOUGHTS – and you’re the first person in a long time to really hit this nail on the head. The truth is, if we’re decent humans, feelings of guilt and shame are harmful – we hurt. We hurt for our victims, we hurt in our frustration at not forgiving ourselves, we hurt in our inability to find some way to mark these anniversaries that are not painful. And this pain is a result of the goodness of our humanity. Only well-meaning, thoughtful,… Read more »
I’m not sure how to heal. In 2020 I was involved in a car crash that killed a girl who was a year younger than me. I had glanced away from the roadway and ended up crashing into her on the interstate. When I went to the hospital they did a tox screen the night before I had used and it was in my system still so I was arrested on OWI causing death, currently on house arrest while I wait for plea deal or trial date. Mentally it has been really hard on me, for the first year after… Read more »
Hi Jessi – Thank you so much for your post! Yes, welcome to a club no one wants to belong to… you have found many people like you (and me) here. I always, first suggest, psychotherapy. These folks are trained to assist in this manner – most of them – you may have to try more than one therapist – most of us have – before you find one with whom you can really connect. Don’t be discouraged. The biggest predictor of success with a therapist is the degree with which you connect. I would also sign up to come… Read more »
I have been aware of this organization for several years, but have been hesitant to share my story. One reason for this is that my accident happened almost 39 years ago in June of 1984 and I did not want to scare anyone into thinking that whatever happened will, in fact, effect them for the rest of life. I have certainly gone through many “stages” of healing and truly believe that keeping the lessons close to heart have made my overall living comfortable, peacefull and dare I say, fullfilled, even though most of these effects are internal and spiritual. I… Read more »
Hi Cliff –
Your carrying this for so long is indicative of the wonderful heart you have.
I wish you peace and solace as the journey continues. Do let us know if we can help in any way we can.
Thank you for being so brave to share.
Chris+
I was in an accident 8 years ago at the age of 19 where a homeless heavily intoxicated man stepped in front of my vehicle and was never seen until he was going through my windshield. Later to find out the man passed away a few days later in the hospital. I was told over and over again that this accident wasn’t my fault and the man passed away from alcohol withdrawals due to being a heavy alcoholic. This accident has completely changed my life and is something I think about daily. It has made me think so negatively about… Read more »
I was in an accident where a pedestrian was killed. I wasnt at fault but I think that makes it worse. If I had done something wrong, I could avoid doing that thing moving forward. I dont have that. Also, I find myself afraid of everything! Im staying home more and more because going outside is just always so much. Its a lot to wade through. I feel myself falling into a deep depression and lying to myself about having it under control. I’m a mess.
Hi Jamie –
Thank you for sharing this – I can only imagine your pain and I’m really sorry.
If you haven’t already, do seek out a therapist. We humans are not programmed to hurt members of our own species with impunity. The thoughts and feelings you are experiencing are totally normal and it is your body’s natural response.
Do go ahead and peruse our site – even come to a Fellowship meeting – there is a way through this. You are not your accident. You can find a way to cope in a healthy and life-giving way!
Chris+
I know all to well, as many do- the unending pain that comes along with unintentionally harming another, most especially when the injury turns fatal. What helped me most, most especially early on, was the Serenity Prayer- ‘God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’. Early on, and still today, when the broken record starts playing in my head of how horrible and worthless I am – I try to remember the serenity prayer and replace the self loathing broken record… Read more »
I have not been able to speak about the tragedy to anyone who understands. I stumbled upon this site and I feel this might be a safe place to find guidance. I am so lost. It’s hard to tell my story but it’s gotta come out somehow. On July 4th, 2021 in Bedford, Virginia after a fireworks show my life changed forever. I was celebrating and drinking enjoying the holiday with my girlfriend and our beautiful children, it was a wonderful evening until the end of the night. Me, my girlfriend, and kids got in the car and I was… Read more »
God can and will bring you peace, turn to him. Bring Jesus all your sorrows. I’ve seen others healed from these same kind of situations. They say time heals all pain but it is truly, time with God. Bring it to him.
My husband (also named daniel) would understand. At 15 years old he shot and killed his best friend while pretending to rob him. They was in his room hanging out and my husband unloaded his gun but forgot to clear the chamber. He pointed the gun at his best friend and pulled the trigger thinking nothing would happen..to his shock, he Shot him in the head and killed him. His best friends mom wrote him a letter stating she forgives him and encouraged him to go on and live a full life and to seek God. However to this day… Read more »
I was just trying to offer solace. I think 5 years in prison is ample accountability along with the loss of your daughter. Or was your comment aimed at me? I refer you to Dr Brian Goldman’s TED talk, Doctors Make MIstakes. He is more eloquent than I could ever be
Hi Julie! Just saw this post of yours, I didn’t get a notification (I don’t think…). Typed messages can get misunderstood at times… But, please be assured- I meant my earlier reply in the best possible way. I truly appreciated what you said and was just attempting to express that I agreed on a personal level. I look forward to listening to the TED Talk you referenced, thank you much!
Love, peace, and gratitude- to all, always🌻
I was driving and lost consciousness, we think there was a carbon monoxide leak in my car I had just gotten. I ran off the road flipped my car before slamming into an electric pole. My 5 year old son was killed he was asleep before accident and I don’t know how to not hate myself because he was my savior, after my second rape I was drinking extremely hard and ended up pregnant, he gave me reason to live and knowing I killed him is breaking me
I can imagine this must be hard to deal with. I encourage you to please seek help. I will pray for you.
I want to correct something in my last post. When I said that making mistakes as nurse is “worse” than hitting someone accidentally in your car I meant that I think it seems morally worse. I may be wrong. A car accident would be horrifying and traumatising and I apologise if I seemed to minimise anyones experience.
J. I was a nurse and I made more than one fatal error. It was at a time when these things were swept under the carpet and not properly addressed. I tried to persevere in my profession because I thought if I could help other people it would make up for my errors. I did leave nursing as I was totally devastated and now in my 60s remain unsupported. Every aspect of my life has been affected and I will grieve to the end of my days. I feel my story is so much worse than someone who accidentally hit… Read more »
One of the most compassionate and extremely insightful posts I’ve read. I often feel the need to explain my life and circumstances and upbringing when I share my tragic experience- but, many times don’t- in fear that it will sound as though I’m making excuses for my bad behavior- but, nothing could be further from the truth… I appreciate background when an experience is shared with me- as I feel it helps me to get a full sense of things and to really understand and fully relate to the person sharing . Thank you so much for your wise words-… Read more »
Thank you Bekah. You have helped me with your story also. I think that background does matter. It is extremely relevant to what happens. And I don’t think that it’s an excuse but an explanation. And yes I think it is mitigating of guilt. Some would say that such extreme determinism leads to nihilism and abdication of responsibility but I think with grace it leads to great compassion. Much love Bekah and thank you too 🙂
“If there was no intent how can there be blame?” Legal culpability exists for a very good reason. A drunk or distracted driver (i.e texting,) may not have had intent to cause the “accident”, yet their negligence resulted in the accident. I’m not trying to sound harsh so please do not take it this way, it’s just that this statement seems to negate accountability.
This comment raises an important issue for our community. As this website indicates, we consider accountability to be an integral component of healing. By accountability, we mean that we look at ourselves with integrity and courage and conduct an honest appraisal of our responsibility, if any, for a tragic accident. It is also important to bring compassion for ourselves and others to this process. Accountability without compassion is harsh; compassion without accountability is empty. In my experience, the members of The Hyacinth Fellowship feel a tremendous sense of accountability and responsibility, while recognizing that they did not intend harm. Our… Read more »
Here to re-add my story. On 10/24/09 I hit and killed a pedestrian that was attempting to cross a freeway. It turned out, she left the nearby hospital before being discharged and was trying to get home. She had no idea what she was doing, as she was inebriated, had been beat up by her boyfriend and was being treated for pain in the hospital. Somehow, I knew when it happened that she didn’t know what was going on. Our eyes met for a split second before the accident. It was like she came out of nowhere. The accident was… Read more »
HI Melissa! Thank you so much for telling your story. Those of us who have done similarly can experience great solace knowing others have learned to get on with life. I like to think of this ongoing pain as a sign of my humanity – even God-given compassion. Our pain, guilt, sadness, etc. are signs of our care for others – we don’t feel badly about doing things like this unless we are somewhat loving and caring toward others. 13 years after the fact, as you’ve mentioned, you’ve been changed to your core, reminds me that we are always changing… Read more »
The holidays can be a difficult and lonely time for CADIs. Please share with us how you are coping and what your experience has been like. The Hyacinth Fellowship is here for support.
Hello, i so appreciate that there’s a place where i can connect with others that can relate to my pain… My car accident was nearly 24 years ago. At the time, I was 25 and the woman whose life I accidentally ended was 51. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of her. Though I served 5 years in prison for my actions, the true sentence is life long- as the pain is never ending. It was was completely my fault. I fell asleep at the wheel after I had been drinking. Now that I am close… Read more »
Hi Bekah,
Your story is so tragic for both families. People makes mistakes. Sometimes nothing comes of them, and sometimes something terrible results. You unfortunately experienced the latter, but you’ve suffered enough. I wish you peace and self-forgiveness.
Bekah my heart goes out to you. I have had a drink and driven. I was lucky. You weren’t. You have paid more than enough for your error. I wish you peace and joy. If it helps you to know, you have dragged me out of a deep hole today. Thank you and much love. Your courage is inspiring 💕
Julie, your words help me more than you can imagine… for the last 24 years, it’s been by sharing my story, in hopes of it maybe helping someone else- that i find any sort of solace or sense of salvation from my demons of the past. Thank you and much love back to you! Your kindness is inspiring to keep on sharing. It’s not always so easy- but, if I can in some small, itsy- bitsy way help someone else- it’s MORE than worth it💕
Bekah and Julie. I found this website as I’m going through personal trauma. I read your story and felt “ oh god I’ve been so near and just barely passed the hardships you have faced.” I’ve so narrowly missed tragic occurrences as a mother. When one missed second of watching out could have and nearly cost some tragic occurrence that would devastate me and others. As a baby my son escaped from my flat while I slept. The door was off the latch when the boy I babysat left. My baby son crawled in the early hours along a busy… Read more »
Michelle, words cannot fully express how much I appreciate- not only your post, but, the tremendous love, compassion, honesty, and empathy behind it. I pray daily for peace and comfort for all those I’ve harmed and for my daughter to recognize how much I love her and that my past mistakes in no way were a result of not loving her enough but, rather, not loving myself, at all. One day at a time, I find myself inching closer to acceptance of what is, rather than lamenting over what isn’t. A lot of times it’s 1 inch forward, 2 inches… Read more »
I found the comment and reply sections, where people shared their stories and received support from other commenters, to be the most helpful part of the old website. I hope this will continue in its original form. It is a relief like no other to know that you truly are not alone, and all of the comments give that gift.
Thank you for this comment, and I think many people would agree. Although we are unable to bring over comments from the old website we are eager to encourage our community to share new stories, comments, and questions.
Thank you for sharing with us. Sharing and support are important elements of healing after we unintentionally harm someone.